SLAM DUNK: THESE 40+ SAVAGE COMEBACKS SHUT IT DOWN
When someone is rude to you most of us have a tendency to say nothing and just let it happen. However, it’s super fulfilling when we dish out some of what they’re serving back to them. These comebacks were thoughtful, funny, and biting. A bunch of meanies were definitely put in their place.
Take out a notebook and pen so you can write some of these down for the next time you need to clap back at someone.
1. A Biting Comment
My grandparents used to fight all the time. My grandma usually won the argument as she was a more passionate debater. However, one time my grandpa got her back good. She had asked him to do a bunch of chores around the house and he responded that “If you were less heavy you could do the chores yourself.”
Her face turned red and she turned back to him and said, “I’m about to get rid of 175 pounds of dead weight.” He countered, “Oh so you’re going to get rid of your arm then?”
2. The Fast And The Funny
I was in the car with one of my friends and we were going well over the speed limit on an empty rural highway. He was going about 95 mph in a 65 mph zone.
We hear the sounds of a police siren and I know exactly what time it is. He is about to get a ticket for speeding. The officer walks up to the driver’s side window and my friend rolls it down. There’s a big smile on the officer’s face as he says “I’ve been waiting to pull someone over all day.”
My friend said, “Sorry to keep you waiting, I was trying to get here as fast as I could.” The officer burst out laughing at my friend’s joke.
We ended up only getting a warning even though we were going well over the speed limit. Normally something like this is a pretty hefty fine. The officer said that because that was the funniest thing he’d ever heard on the job that he was going to let us off easy.
3. Sweet Melodies
In high school I was in the band and we would often take a couple of trips to various cities around the country for competitions. During my sophomore year, a group of seniors got in trouble for drinking in their hotel room.
The whole group got suspended and were banned from attending any more out of town trips. However, one student was able to get out of it. As they were in the midst of getting caught, he ran into the bathroom and acted like he was showering the whole time and had nothing to do with the drinking.
About two weeks later the band is practicing when the teacher walks into the room. He says in front of everyone, “Mark, your friends gave you up. I’m upset, you played me like a fiddle.”
Mark replied, “Well that’s the instrument that I play.” He proceeded to show his violin to the whole class.
4. Get Schooled
When I was in eleventh grade, our regular English teacher was out on maternity leave so we ended up having a long term substitute. He looked to be in his early 20s so he wasn’t that much older than the boys in the class. The male students in the class thought this gave them license to bust his chops as if he were one of the boys.
They would poke fun at him and even made remarks about his girlfriend.
One random Friday some kid in class said something about putting his head into the teacher’s wife’s chest. Our teacher had reached his wit’s end and said, “The only Ds you’re going to see are going to be on your midterm and final.” The whole class started cheering.
No one ever tried making fun of the teacher again. I think he won the class’ respect with his comeback.
5. Rude Family
This was one comeback that has stuck with me for a long time. It was my dad’s birthday and we were at a restaurant to celebrate. For context, some of the extended family was there as well as my two younger brothers.
My dad, middle brother, and I had all attended the same college. I was an alum like my father, while my middle brother was currently a sophomore. My youngest brother who was a freshman had decided to go to a local state school instead.
My uncle randomly said, “How does your dad feel about breaking the family tradition of men going to the alma mater?” My little brother immediately fired back at him. “I don’t think he cares too much, especially considering that I also broke the tradition of people in this family not being able to achieve higher than a 2.5.” The whole table went insane, people were whooping and hollering while pounding the table.
My middle brother and I exchanged a glance across the table. We just got roasted. My little brother had really grown up. Before college he was socially awkward and under confident. Now he’s coming up with amazing clapbacks.
I’m not going to lie, that one hurt.
6. A Haughty Queen
I once saw this drunk lady throw a fit because the butcher wasn’t treating her like a queen.
She yelled at him: “You shouldn’t start anything with a 50-year-old woman!” The butcher retorted: “What does your daughter have to do with any of this?”
The woman immediately got quiet and shuffled away. I think she was really embarrassed.
7. Packing On The Pounds
One of the clubs I participated in during college had a secret santa gift exchange every year. One of the members received British currency which he loved because he enjoyed collecting foreign currency.
Some girl made a really rude comment saying that it was such a dumb present. Maybe I should’ve held my tongue, but I just couldn’t help myself.
Without even thinking about it, I came up with a great burn. “Sara, don't be mean. He didn’t want you to be the only person who gained 30 pounds this quarter!” Her boyfriend immediately got in my face and was ready to get into a fight. Sarah ran out of the room with tears streaming down her face.
Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything as our club dynamic was never the same after that.
8. No Pay, No Sub
When I worked at a sandwich shop, a tricky customer was trying to use multiple coupons even though the policy is one coupon per purchase. He tried asking every employee in the restaurant for help in the hopes that one of us was unaware of the policy. Every single person turned him down. He then started ranting about how his aunt was a lawyer and he was going to sue us for every penny we were worth.
As he was leaving he said, “You can’t afford to play games with me.” I yelled back, “You can’t even afford a footlong sub!”.
9. Class Clowned
When I was in high school there was a guy named J who was considered the class clown. He would get under the teacher's skin with his crude and insulting jokes. One day he asked our math teacher who was in her early 30s a question. He asked, “Have you ever had a baby?” She replied, “No I have not.”
The story, however, did not end here.
J then remarked, “Well I could be the one to give you one!” A couple of people in the class quietly snickered.
The teacher calmly absorbed the joke and then walked over to J’s desk. She said, "No thank you, J. I’m not interested in adopting you.” The entire class went crazy.
J never again made a joke in math class for the rest of the year. My math teacher gained my respect with that comeback. One of the best ones I’ve heard to date.
10. Name Calling
I once had a boss who was making fun of his employee’s name. The employee just took it in stride and didn’t say anything back. My boss then asked him to send him an email with some documentation. The employee wanted to make sure he had the correct spelling of my boss’ last name which was James.
He said, “Your name doesn't have a D in it, right?” My boss was puzzled because how could James have a d in it. He replied no. The employee said, “So it’s just douchebag then.” He then just calmly walked away. The rest of us sat there stunned. I think we all wanted to laugh, but none of us wanted to face the wrath of our boss who was fuming.
11. Student To Master
During my junior year, I took AP English since I loved reading and writing. The teacher was amazing as we both had similar worldviews and sense of humor.
He was in his early 30s and had grown up in Alabama but moved to Montana, because he was sick of the weather. He had become a buddhist and had a wife and child. He also happened to be bald. I know this sounds like a weird detail, but this context will prove important later.
About a month into the school year we were discussing the book Metamorphosis and I was the only student in class who made the argument that helping people was bad, because it caused other people to be dependent on you. I really enjoyed playing devil’s advocate.
My teacher made fun of me for my stance, but it was all good natured and I didn’t mind. He still apologized to me and said that I could make fun of him once to get even.
Now it’s June and school is about to end in a couple of days. The AP test was over so we were just messing around at this point. Our teacher had assigned us the option of giving speeches in front of the class if we wanted extra credit. It was my turn to go.
Even though I wasn’t nervous, I was having trouble getting my words out, and I could tell I was bombing it. My teacher says, “It's not so easy to speak in front of the entire class”. My moment had finally come. I retorted back, “Yeah I’d probably go bald too.”
12. Rigid Opinion
My best friend just found out that he was being cheated on by his wife of five years. He was heartbroken to say the least. She decided to move in with her new boyfriend. I’ve always been suspicious of her since day one, and unfortunately my worst fears have manifested themselves. I asked him if he wanted me to install some new locks so she couldn’t just stop by and take whatever she wanted.
My buddy and I then went to play a round of golf to take his mind off of things. During the round she called him over a dozen times leaving a bunch of nasty voicemails about how it was so childish of him to change the locks. After we finished, he called her back and said that we were coming to the house so she could get rid of her stuff.
I ended up sitting outside with her because my friend didn’t want her near any of his stuff. We were sitting in silence until she said, “You must think that I’m a terrible person.” I replied, “Actually my opinion of you hasn’t changed at all.”
13. Time To Land
A guy that I grew up with was really into history. So much so that he’d build fighter planes and jets in order to recreate previous wars and battles. Even though he was quiet and a bit nerdy, he was also good-looking and hung out with the popular kids.
He was a rare breed. An athlete who was extremely social but who also liked playing with action figures.
We were at a party and he got into an argument with the head cheerleader who as you can imagine was quite popular and attractive. She said to him, “John, why don’t you go and play with your toy airplanes.” John immediately came back with, “That’s a fantastic idea. I can land them on your flat chest!”
Since we were in high school, the whole crowd went nuts like after someone hits a game winning jumper. What a savage comeback.
After that, no one dared pick a fight with John because they were afraid of getting burned.
14. Can’t Have It All
I once dated this girl for a little over a year who was a bit toxic. Granted, she had grown up her entire life in the foster care system and had no contact with her biological family.
She ended up being extremely abusive and cheated on me with a guy that we’ll call Samuel. A few months after we broke up, she reached out to me.
“I wanted to let you know that I’m about to sleep with Samuel again. He’s a much better lover than you’ve ever thought about being.” I replied, “Good for you. I’m actually about to have dinner with a family that loves me so I guess we both have a reason to be jealous.” I never heard a peep out of her again.
15. Stock Stereo
One of my former boss’ had the best story about his dad. He was a janitor and didn’t make a lot of money, but he saved tirelessly for years so he could afford to buy a Corvette without having a car note.
He told the dealership that he was willing to pay in cash but only if they upgraded the sound system for him. He did not want the standard issue stuff.
When he went to pick up his car he noticed that the speakers were not what he had requested. He came back to the dealership a few hours later to confront the salesperson who sold him the car.
The salesperson got defensive and said that he never asked for a higher quality sound system. He had an amazing response.
Showing no emotion he says, “Go and get me your boss. I know you must have a boss.” He returned the vehicle and took his business elsewhere.
16. Like Mother, Like Daughter
Before you continue reading, just know that my relationship with my 16-year-old daughter is based upon us playfully teasing and roasting each other. It’s just the relationship we have. There was this one time that I accidentally said a curse word.
I don’t have all the details about why I said it or what exactly I said, but my daughter immediately reacted. She said, you’re a terrible parent for swearing around your kid.”
I said, “If I’m such a horrible dad, then how did you end up so great?” Without even taking a moment to think, she came back with: “I spend a lot of time with Mom!” Zinger.
What a line. I’m not gonna lie, even though I got roasted I was super proud of my daughter for her comeback.
17. Fun With Richard
You have to be really talented if you accidentally burn yourself. Let me explain what I mean. During high school, there was this nerdy guy in my history class named Richard. The class jerk was this guy named Jack. Jack refuses to call Richard by his name and instead calls him Dick. He would say things like, “Dick, did you do the essay?” Richard tried many times to explain to him that his name was Richard. One day the teacher asks, “Richard, what name would you like to be called by?”
Richard replies, “I prefer to go by Richard.” Jack says, “Well, I prefer Dick.” The class burst out into laughter. It took a few seconds for Jack to register what he’d just said. Jack slumped down in his chair and never bothered Richard again.
We were teenagers during the 90s, so you better believe that Jack never heard the end of all the jokes.
18. Gun Show
I worked for a defense contractor and I was posted in Iraq along with a few coworkers. We were on the way to a party that was being hosted by a wealthy security company at one of their compounds. As we entered, our credentials were checked and we were asked if we were carrying any weapons.
Tina, this girl who barely weighed 100 pounds, flexed her arms and said, “Just these guns.” Without even taking a pause, the guy at the door said, “The small arms repair shop is across the street.”
19. Self-Awareness Is Key
I had a friend who was about a decade older than me and she was super into herself. She was a lowkey narcissist. While she was attractive, she wasn’t that attractive.
She did not dress her age. She would always wear clothes that the younger generation would wear in an attempt to hang onto her youth. She one time pointed out that I was getting a little heavy and that compared to her I wasn’t looking that great.
I was done with her mean comments since this is something that she did frequently. I said, “Well, look at yourself.” She snapped, “Excuse you? I have the body of a 25-year-old!”
I had to burn her. “Well the 25-year-old is asking for it back, you’re stretching it out.” The mean comments towards me stopped after this.
20. Jokes Can Hurt
I went to high school with this jock who also happened to be a big jerk. He was the typical star athlete who was cool and picked on anyone who wasn’t popular. He wasn’t actually that funny, but people would laugh because when someone popular makes a joke the socially acceptable thing to do is laugh. For example, he would say things like, “My 95 year old grandpa called, he wants his strength back!” I know, the jokes aren’t very funny.
The sport he excelled at most was swimming. He badly wanted to go to Harvard on a swimming scholarship. He didn’t end up getting into Harvard or getting a scholarship to attend.
One day during lunch, when he was in the middle of making fun of people, I decided to step in. I knew what to say that’d hurt him the most.
I called over to him, “Hey Harvard called. Oh wait, no they didn’t. They don’t want you!”
21. Who’s Your Daddy?
Even though I’m my father’s only daughter, he’ll jokingly say that I’m his favorite daughter. One day I was feeling kind of spicy and decided to fire back. I said, “Hmmm that’s nice.
You’re only my third favorite dad though.” He asked, “Who’s your favorite dad then?” I replied, “Dunno you’ll have to ask mom.”
22. Long Lines
I recall this one story that a friend told me when he was waiting in line at a department store. He was behind this lady who was giving the cashier a hard time.
She was being really rude to the cashier who looked to be just a teenager. He was tired of her attitude and told her that she needed to calm down and stop holding up the rest of the line.
She ignored him and continued to berate the cashier who was just trying to quietly do her job. My friend is still yapping at her to lay off. She turns around and tells my friend, “Butt out, this is none of your business.”
He responds with: “Lady, I’m a veterinarian. Female dogs are my business!” The rest of the line started cheering. The lady's face turned bright red. Hopefully she learned her lesson.
23. Dance Party
When I was 11 years old, I was on a dance team with some girls who, let's just say, weren't the nicest bunch. One of the older girls was constantly picking on me and it was super annoying. She had said, “Bite me” and I replied with, “Thanks for the offer but I’m on a low-fat diet right now.” The whole studio fell silent and then the other members of the team told me I was super mean for saying that for her.
I didn’t care if I was mean, someone had to put her in her place.
24. Don’t Make Assumptions
It was Saturday night, and my friend Shane had just arrived at our mutual friend James’ place to hang out. We were hanging out outside because we were about to unload Shane’s car since he would be crashing a few nights at James’.
Suddenly, James came out of his house and slid across the hood of Shane’s car. James said, “Did you see that? I’ve been working on that move.”
We paid him no mind as James looks to do fun stunts like that from time to time, but a police car that was passing by just witnessed what James had done. The officers asked what we were up to and for James to provide identification.
We told them that it was Shane’s car and that James was just messing around. Not sure why they needed to check our IDs, but they did anyway. Everything was fine, but we wanted to mess with the officers a little bit.
The officer said, “Even if it’s your friend’s car you shouldn’t do stuff like that because someone could get hurt. Besides, you wouldn’t like it if someone jumped on your car.” James replied, “Well I don’t own a car.” The officer said, “Well you wouldn’t be happy if someone jumped on your Xbox.” “I don’t have an Xbox either,” James said.
The officer was clearly getting annoyed. “So what do you own then?” James said, “I have a trampoline.” The officer wasn’t paying attention and said, “I’m guessing you wouldn’t like it if he jumped on your…” He stopped himself just short of saying the punchline. He sulked back to his car and drove away.
The three of us just laughed. This is a story we’ll never forget.
25. The Main Attraction
I once went with my friends to the movies and we must’ve been seeing an animated or kids movie, because we were the oldest ones in the theater.
While we were watching the previews, someone in the row behind us made a noise, then someone else did the same, until it got out of control and dozens of people were making the noise.
I was getting irritated so I turned around and said “This is getting old. Cut it out!” The noise finally stopped. A moment later one of the kids said, “Yeah and so are you!” I set myself up for that one.
A kid half my age had burned me. What a little jerk.
26. Need Childcare
The best comeback of my life had to have been when I was fifteen years old. A ten year old boy approached me to try and ask me on a date.
I responded with the greatest comeback in history. He said, “Hey baby, let me get your number.” I said, “Why, are you looking for a babysitter?” He ran away clearly embarrassed.
27. Forget The Haters
One of my favorite teachers in high school was the one who taught ceramics. He was really witty and funny, but for some reason our principal couldn’t stand him. We’re in class one day working on a project and most of us have our headphones in. Some of us worked better with music so he allowed us to use our headphones. He was sitting at his desk reading a magazine.
If we had any questions we could just go up to his desk to chat or call out from our seats.
The principal happened to walk into the room and she blew a gasket. She said “How can you let them just sit there with headphones in? You’re not even teaching them, you’re just reading a magazine and wasting time.” My teacher was as calm as a cucumber. He put down his magazine and clapped his hands together three times at a volume that was loud enough for us to hear through our headphones. This was something he’d do when he needed to get our attention.
We didn’t overhear any of the prior conversation between the principal and my teacher so we had no context about the situation. He said, “Listen up everyone. I have an exercise for you.
This will only take a few seconds. First, everyone needs to stand up.” The whole class stood up as a group. “Good job.”
“Now I want all of you to go stand in the hallway and under no circumstances are you to enter this room unless directly instructed by me.”
“Go!” We all exited the room and waited in the hallway. The teacher then told the principal, “All right, call them back inside.” None of us moved.
What a great way to show the principal that our teacher was in control of his classroom even if it didn’t look like it.
28. Don’t Throw The Stone
When I was in high school I had this friend who had really horrible acne. My older sister had these three friends who were all sisters. They were a couple of years older than us.
These girls thought they were too cool for school. They believed they were the most popular and pretty girls at our high school. My friend and I came from school one day and my sister and her friend’s were doing their nails.
One of the girls, who had a speech impediment, looked at my friend and said, “Wow, Martha, I have words for you: acne remover.” Martha replied, “That’s cool but I have two words for you Jane: speech therapy.” She jumped off the couch, and nail polish spilled everywhere. You could tell she was really hurt by what Marthe said.
After that, there was always this tension between Martha and Jane but we just decided to ignore it.
29. A Weight Was Lifted
Even though it’s been a couple of decades since this happened I’m still really proud of myself. I was walking into biology class while a boy was walking out. We crossed paths at the doorway and we were standing right next to each other. He looked me dead in the eye and said, “When are you going to grow some breasts?” Without even hesitating I said, “Maybe you can donate yours.” I walked to my lab station with a huge grin on my face.
30. That’s A Big Mac
When my wife’s had a couple of drinks she tends to become a bit nasty. She isn’t going to start a fight or anything, but let’s just say that there are some bruised egos by the end of the night. We were at a party that was about to finish and my wife was just winding everyone up.
I don’t remember how the conversation got started, but we ended up at a point where one of my heavier-set friends was insulting the size of my wife's chest. To be more accurate the lack thereof.
His implication was that she should go out and buy some implants. My replies, “Implants are super expensive and don’t always look natural.” My friend agrees and says, “My chest cost me a lot.” My wife ends the night with a banger. She says, “Just how much did you spend at McDonalds for a chest like that?” That has got to hurt.
31. You Go Little Sister
My sister was fourteen years old when she was fighting with older brother who was seventeen. He had the tendency to be a little bit mean and aggressive.
They were in one of their usual arguments when she screams, “I’d call you a dick but you’re so fake you’re a dildo!” My mom and I heard her in the kitchen and were completely dumbfounded.
My mom screams, “Go to your room now. We don’t tolerate that kind of language in this house.” My sister storms up the stairs. I could tell me mom thought it was funny as she let out a little chuckle. We wondered where she could've learned that from. It was such a good comeback that I told everyone I knew.
It became a legend in our small town. She was officially the burn queen.
32. Called Out By Boss?
My boss was letting our team know that the company that fulfills our orders was having supply chain issues which was leading to increased shipping times. He told us that we should inform our customers of what is happening and adjust the ETAs accordingly.
This one employee who was always running his mouth said, “When are things going to get back to the way they are supposed to be?”
My boss replied, “I’m not sure. When are you going to be like how you were in your interview?” The whole conference room erupted in laughs and screams.
33. Get Your Head Checked
I was at a party with a friend of mine in rural Iowa about an hour from where we grew up. It was a large party and there were some people there who played on the rival football teams.
The party was fun, but it was getting late so I had my girlfriend pick me up. My buddy decided to stay behind.
Shortly after I left, I received the worst phone call. A fight broke out after I left and someone had punched my friend. He hit his head on the floor and suffered a skull fracture. He had to be medevaced to the nearest trauma center for immediate surgery.
The road to recovery was tough, and he spent the next year in physical therapy.
The doctors weren’t sure if he’d ever play sports again, yet alone a high contact one like football. However, even though everything was stacked against him, he was cleared to play two years after sustaining the injury. He ended up missing his sophomore and junior seasons, but he would be ready to play senior year.
Their homecoming game happened to be against the team who rostered the guy who punched my friend in the head. Let’s call him Punchy. My friend’s team ended up beating them 48-21 and he even caught a touchdown. What a sweet feeling that must’ve been.
We hit the bar after the game and were drinking like fish.
We were hyped about the big win and about my friend’s triumphant return to the gridiron. A few hours later we noticed that Punchy and his boys had entered the bar.
The three of us (our friend on the D-line was there too) stood up ready to mix it up with Punchy’s crew if need be.
There was some back and forth banter before Punchy finally said, “How’s that head of yours?” He did it with such a dirty little smile too. My buddy charged forward and headbutted Punchy right in his face.
A huge cracking noise was heard, and Punchy hit the deck and had started to bleed.
An all-out brawl ended up ensuing but before that my friend stood right over Punchy and said, “You tell me.”
34. Guy Trouble
I want to highlight an exchange between two of my co-works that occurred about five years ago. Sean had only slept with one person, who was his ex-girlfriend that he still held a candle for.
Sean was also super judgmental. Kathleen was the total opposite and would practically sleep with someone new every week. Sean said, “I just can’t understand how you’ve been with so many people. How can you make love to someone that you’re not in love with?”
Kathleen replied, “Your ex-girlfriend seemed fine with it.” Sean was stunned. He didn’t say another word.
35. No Holes Barred
I was a camp counselor at a summer camp during college and I was overseeing the ten to twelve year olds. We had gone on a hike and had found a large rock where we were going to stop for lunch.
One of the kids who we’ll call Rick kept bugging another kid who we’ll call Joe to check out this rock. Rick said, “Look at the hole, it looks to be about six inches deep.”
Joe is clearly getting annoyed with Rick. He just wants to enjoy his sandwich and chips. Meanwhile, Rick has found some sticks and is putting it in the hole in the hopes of getting the other boys’ attention. Joe is done with Rick’s antics.
His words left me in disbelief. Joe says, “If you don’t stop talking I'll be six inches deep in your mom later.” As a camp counselor I did my best to scold Joe for saying a mean thing, but as a human being I thought what he said was absolutely hilarious.
36. Worthy Of A Banner
I was a high school teacher working my first job out of college, when our principal was caught having an affair. He ended up divorcing his wife in order to be with the new woman. It was big news as all the staff and students knew about it. About a month later, one student hung a banner in the main courtyard that said, “I’m not allowed to cheat in school but Mr. Blank can cheat on his wife. That seems fair, right?” I have to hand it to that 17 year–old, that’s a pretty darn good comeback.
37. A Regular Jokester
I used to work the front desk at a hotel. A couple of years ago, this guest got into a fight with our security officer. I’m not sure what the fight was about, but it was clear she was unsatisfied since the arguing persisted. She told him that he was full of poop (she used the more adult version of that word). The security officer said, “Actually I’m not. I took care of that this morning.
I appreciate you being concerned about my gut health.” That wasn’t the end of it.
I overheard this from the front desk and I started to laugh. Before I could roll on the floor from laughter I excused myself to the back office so I wouldn’t make a scene. The officer continued, “I eat a diet filled with fiber to help keep me regular.
It’s really sweet that you’re so concerned with my bowel movements. The next time I’m having trouble going, I’ll think of you and use that as motivation.”
He keeps going on and on and this is just making the lady more and more upset. I’m dying from laughter in the back office. A couple of tears have streamed down my face from how much I’m laughing.
The lady realizes that this guy was a lost cause and eventually just goes back to her room. We don’t hear any more complaints for the rest of her stay.
38. Sing Granny, Sing
Good ole granny. She was quick witted and could sometimes be ruthless. My fiance’s family was going to meet my family for the very first time at my house. His father and my grandmother had never met before.
His father was an extremely tall and large man with a massive beer belly. He started to tell my grandma about how my fiance was a troublemaker during his childhood.
He told my grandma that he would have to take off his belt and whip his son for being such a little deviant. My grandma takes a look at my fiance’s father's huge belly and says, “Your belt?
How did you ever find it?” My future father-in-law was stunned. He did not expect this little old lady to hit him with such a zinger.
39. Stinky Feet
A couple years back, when I was around 20 two of my friends were arguing with each other. One of them was trying to be tough and intimidating.
He said, “My feet are registered weapons.” Immediately my friend replies, “Where? The department of health and sanitation?” I still laugh when this story is retold years later.
40. Natural Habitat
My favorite teacher in high school had a sense of humor and wit about him which made the class really enjoyable. One day, about two minutes after the period had started a girl had to use the bathroom. They argued for a bit as my teacher asked why she didn’t go before class. Eventually, he let her use the restroom.
She returned about 15 minutes later and started creating a ruckus.
She yelled, “You’re never going to guess what I saw out in the hallway.” She then told us some dumb story that was so unmemorable I can’t even recall what it was. Our teacher was upset and was just staring her down for rudely interrupting the class.
She stopped halfway through the story and said, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
He quickly responded, “Why do people visit the zoo?” I, along with the rest of the class burst out laughing. Most of us disliked her, so we were glad to see someone finally put her in her place.
41. Momma’s Boy
Back in middle school, there was a bully who used to tease this one nerdy/awkward guy about not being able to get girls. He even sometimes called him gay.
Someone else came to his defense and said, “You haven’t had a woman since a woman had you.” The entire class including the teacher couldn’t help but laugh. The bully immediately stopped talking.
42. Tough Situation
One of the funnier comebacks I can remember happened when I was in 8th grade. An important thing to note is that in 8th grade I made the volleyball team but in 7th grade I didn’t.
There was another classmate of mine who made the team in 7th grade but didn’t make it in 8th grade. He was super butthurt about it and would frequently tell me that I sucked and didn’t deserve to make the team over him.
I told him that if he was better than me, then why wasn’t he on the team? He said, "My grades are too low, so I was ineligible.” I quickly replied, “Oh, so I guess you’re just dumb then.” He walked away fuming. Either he was dumb or I was better than him at volleyball. Either way, he was a loser.
43. Book Drop
When I was 14 years old, I was carrying a large stack of textbooks as a favor to my Spanish teacher. Some prankster thought it would be hilarious to fall down in my path.
I said, “Don’t fall for me dude.” My friends and all of his friends started laughing. I didn’t realize what I’d said until much later.
44. Enough is Enough
My brother happened to be in the math class that had all the students who were troublemakers. Most of them had no interest in actually learning and spent most of their time disrupting class. At some point the teacher had given up trying to retain control. It was pointless.
One girl, who was a usual suspect, was derailing the class like usual. My brother had enough and decided to speak up.
He told her to be quiet because some people actually were trying to learn and cared about their grade. The teacher intervened and told my brother to be nicer because she may work for him one day.
My brother tells the teacher, “I have no intentions of becoming a pimp.” The class went bananas. The teacher was laughing so hard that he had to step out to contain himself. That girl gave my brother no problems the rest of the year.
45. Family Blessings
During Christmas, my extended family and I were sitting around the dinner table when the topic of winning contests came up. One of my sisters looked at me and snarkily replied, “When have you ever won anything?” I scanned the room looking at all my relatives and said, “It looks like I won the genetic lottery.”
46. Audio Problems
I witnessed an older woman (presumably a grandma) complaining about a young child’s behavior (I’m guessing her grandson). She said he was way too rowdy and needed to act more civilized. She said, “Back in my day children were seen but not heard!” He quickly replied back, “So were the movies and tv shows!” I nearly peed myself from how hard I was laughing.
47. Mile High Problems
A plane was about to land at JFK but was having some issues because the people in the air traffic control tower weren’t doing their jobs properly. The captain said, “We’re too high in the air, we can’t quite make the approach. The person in the tower replied, “Don’t you have brakes?” The pilot pondered the question for a moment. He said, “Yeah, but those are meant for my mistakes, not yours.” Everyone on the radio frequency went silent.
48. The Winner Is
A friend of mine who was a woman said that she wanted to be a trophy wife. Her hope was to meet some rich doctor or lawyer and just get taken care of for the rest of her life. A friend of mine said, “I didn’t know they gave out trophies for coming in last place!.” Everyone’s jaws hit the floor and we all started laughing.
Definitely one of the top 10 comebacks I’ve heard in my life.
49. Family Resemblance
I didn’t witness this story, but a close friend told me about it. This happened between two colleagues at his office. He just happened to overhear the exchange. One guy came in and saw the other guy and said, “Hey.
How’s your wife and my son?” Without even taking a beat, the other guy replied, “My wife is doing great, but that kid is a total dummy. I wonder where he got it from?” Wow! What a burn.
50. Not Getting Younger
This was a good comeback by my ten-year-old son. We were finally moving from our cramped two bedroom apartment to a nice and large four bedroom house. I explained to him that because the house was going to be a lot bigger, that everyone was going to have increased responsibilities. Essentially, he was going to have to do more chores.
I said, “Let’s make a list of the potential chores you can do in the new house. When I was little my chores were…” He interrupted me to say, “What? Churning the butter? Milking the cows?” I started laughing. In my head I thought, I’m not that old am I?
51. Language Barrier
I worked super hard to try and learn French when I was in high school, but I was having a tough time. This wasn’t surprising considering that even English was quite difficult for me to get a grasp on. My teacher even told my parents that she thought I wasn’t capable of learning the language.
My dad’s reply left me shook. My dad took off his glasses and said, “Ma’am there are mentally disabled kids in France who are capable of learning French. My son is capable of learning, I think you’re just incapable of teaching.” My teacher started treating me a whole lot better after this was said.
52. Road Rage
My boss was giving me a lift home when we ran into an unruly driver. This guy cut us off and my boss had to abruptly brake in order to avoid hitting him.
He (my boss) honks his horn and keeps it pressed to make sure his message is received. The guy in the other car rolls down his window and leans out. He says, “You’re a fattie.” My boss yells back, “I’m only big because everytime I get with your mom she bakes me brownies.”
53. Smelly Wind
When I was five, I was at a Burger King that was super crowded. I was trying to weave my way through a crowd of people so I could get to the back of the line. I mistakenly bumped into a mom and her three children.
She turned and looked down at me. She said in an extremely condescending tone, “Well excuse me”. I was only five so I gave the response that only a five-year-old could.
“Why did you fart?” Some of the adults laughed and I made my way to my spot in line. She looked quite distressed. I have no idea why I said that, but sometimes adults need to be put in their place.
54. Grandpa’s Still Sharp
My grandpa asked my older cousin who by this point in his life had a son and a myriad of partners if he was ever going to settle down. My cousin replied, “Things aren’t the same as they were in your time grandpa.
We don’t buy cars without test-driving them first.” Grandpa responded, “Yeah, but they also don’t let you put two hundred thousand miles on them, either.” Oooh burn. That was a good one grandpa.
