30+ Best Comebacks to Leave Everyone Speechless Instantly
1. No Returns
Whenever my mom and I walk into any store she never fails to roast me if the employee asks, “Can I help you?” My mom always says, “No, he was born that way.”
It was funny the first few times she said it, but at this point I’m like mom can you give it a rest. Come up with some new material.
2. Quick Shot
Our boss was late to work so one of my colleagues called him to ask when we could expect him in the office. He said that he’d be there but he’d be a little while. He said his wife and him were trying for a baby, and they wanted to time things up properly with her cycle.
My colleague said, “That’s fine, we don’t mind if you’re 30 seconds late. Best of luck.”
3. Gas Leak
In basic training there was a saying that was drilled into us by our superior officers: “Suck that smile.” If anyone was about to laugh or smile, they would yell, “Suck that smile!
Suck it so it goes all the way in your stomach and it disappears.” We had a bed check one morning, and out of the blue we heard a sound that sounded suspiciously like a fart.
The fart was so loud that everyone in the dorm heard it. We were all about to burst when one of the trainers yelled, “Do not laugh! Suck those smiles!” He then walked up to the person who tooted. You could tell he was fuming.
He yelled, “Private, What just happened?” The trainee answered, “Sir I sucked too hard, Sir!” Everyone burst out laughing including the trainer and all the superior officers. We ended up laughing for a whole minute straight.
4. Super Comeback
While in college, I ran into someone I knew on campus. I happen to be holding my Superman graphic novel. He happened to be with his girlfriend and when he introduced me to her, the very first thing she said was, “Aren’t comic books for little kids?” I still don’t know how I came up with this response.
Without even taking a second to think, I said, “Aren’t those A-cups for kids?” I was just so befuddled that someone I just met would say that to me. Still the greatest comeback of my life. Oh, and that guy I knew, we never spoke again. I guess I shouldn't’ be surprised.
5. Oooh Burn
I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and happened to stumble upon a fight between some people I knew. A girl wrote, “Taken but not appreciated,” in response to someone who was trying to give her some advice.
That same person fired back, “I didn’t ask for the title of your autobiography.” I actually made a noise when I saw that comment. I’ve never been so taken aback by a comment I’ve read on the internet.
6. A Perfect Match
Let me tell you about how my grandparents went on their first ever date. It also included a crazy comeback which thankfully didn’t derail their courtship. My grandpa was working the register at Mcdonalds and my grandma was in line waiting to order.
They’d met a few times before but never had a real conversation.
My grandpa decided that today was going to be the day where he manned up and talked to her. When she reached the front of the line my grandpa said, "How've you managed to get through life looking so ugly?” My grandma immediately responded, I’m not sure, but you’ve been doing it a lot longer than me.
My grandpa later admits that it wasn’t his best pickup line. Thankfully everything worked out and they've been happily married for over sixty years.
7. Double Chin
Our art teacher was telling us about this boy in her 6th grade class whoo everyone called Turtle because he had a receding chin. One day, he was talking quite loudly in class when a girl on the larger side said, “Shut up, Turtle.
Why don’t you go and grow a chin, no one can find yours.” Turtle pounced, “How about you just give me one of yours?” The girl started bawling and it took 30 minutes to get her to stop.
8. Workplace Seduction
At every workplace I’ve been in I’ve always sat next to the door. Our office is in the same building as a company that gives out visas, and they used to be our office neighbor until they recently moved one floor above us.
I was just sharpening pencils at my desk when I heard some noise coming from near the door. There was this extremely attractive woman standing right there.
She said, "I'm looking for someone.” She seemed to be Eastern-European and the way she sounded had me swooning. I didn’t even think when I replied, “You’ve found someone.”
I’ve never been able to forget that day as everyone in the office makes fun of me. What can I say, sometimes love makes you do crazy things.
9. Hold Your Lunch
Marcus, who acted like a creep towards attractive women, said to my friend, “Hey cutie, why don’t you sit on my lap and we can talk about the next thing that comes up.” My friend responded, “Marcus, if I sit on your lap, the next thing that comes up will be the burrito I ate for lunch.”
10. Man Up
My chemistry teacher would often make jokes that he directed at the students. One of my classmates always took the jokes and never said anything back.
Finally, my teacher called him out and said that he needed to stand up for himself. He ended his little lecture with, “You need to be a man. You need to be more like me.”
The student was finally ready to take his revenge. “Which one? Do you want me to be a man or do you want me to be more like you?” The teacher applauded him and said, “That’s what I’m talking about. I’m glad you finally stood up for yourself.” I never saw someone take a burn so well.
11. Drop The Mic
My art history professor said to one of her students, “You’ve pretty close to being a fool.” The student replied, “You’re right, miss, I’m only 4 rows of chairs and 2 desks away.” He then stood up and left the lecture hall. He must’ve dropped the class because we never saw him again. Talk about ending on a high note.
12. Here Comes The Bride
A couple of years ago the topic of gender roles at weddings was brought about. A woman asked, “If the groom gets to give a speech, then what about the bride?” Someone replied, “Just sit there and look pretty,” in an attempt to be funny.
She responded, “But what if the bride isn’t pretty?” Someone answered back, “Well then you’re just going to have to give a speech.”
13. Walk In The Park
I’ve been working a mundane desk job since I’ve graduated college in order to save up money to pay for grad school. My boss has an amazing dog that I’ll sometimes walk during the lunch break, because she gets tired of being cooped up all day.
I had a couple of acquaintances from college visit me who let’s just say I’m not the biggest fans of.
One girl asked, “Hey how’s your job as a dog poop picker going?” She must’ve seen me post a story on one of my socials. I was a little taken aback by her comment.
Mind you, I was never really close to this girl during college. She didn’t have a job, because she was working on her “acting career”.
I replied with, “Great. Speaking of dog poop, how’s your acting career going?” That one still makes my chuckle. Her acting is terrible.
14. Unexpected Compliment
I’m a guy and I was walking down the sidewalk with a few of my friends who all happen to be women. A car with three guys and its windows rolled down drove by us.
They started to catcall my friends. Calling them sexy and beautiful, while also shouting and whistling. I yelled back to them, “Awww, thank you! I never get compliments.” My friends all started laughing. The guys drove away with puzzled expressions on their faces.
15. Man Of Few Words
Many people told me that my comeback was legendary. Whether it was because it was actually legendary or because I was the quiet kid is something I’ll never know.
Since I was quiet, many kids would try to insult me to get under my skin or try to blame me for things that I never did. I never got in trouble though because the teacher never believed the “quiet kid” did it.
I walked into Spanish one day and the teacher must’ve been in the bathroom. My classmate, Jessica, was up at the board writing out some long winded joke about our teacher.
We took our seats and the teacher entered the classroom and noticed what was written. He asked who wrote it. Jessica and her friends all pointed to me as the culprit.
For some reason, I got up and went to the board and fixed all the grammar and spelling errors in her joke. I still don’t know what possessed me to do this.
Then I turned to Jessica and said, “It wasn’t me; I actually have standards.” The classroom went berserk, including Jessica’s friends. Even the teacher was crying from laughter.
It was obviously an awesome diss, but I think the fact I never really spoke made it that much sweeter.
16. Good Terms
I was riding the train when I asked this woman who looked to be in her 40s if I could borrow her pencil. I said, “May I please borrow your pencil, ma’am?” She looked right in my eyes and said, “Please don’t call me ma’am.
Didn’t anyone ever teach you how unacceptable that is to say to a woman?” I replied, “My apologies…sir.” This just made her even more upset. It’s safe to say that I had to look elsewhere for my pen.
17. Age = Wisdom
I was at a nightclub when I saw a lady say to a stranger, “Inhaling that stuff is bad for you. It’lll kill you quick.” The stranger replied, “My grandpa lived until the age of 105!” The lady responded, “Doing that?” The stranger said, “No, by minding her goddamn business.”
18. Entitled Customer
I worked at a high-end chocolate shop when I was in college. We sold a variety of items such as: brownies, truffles, cookies, and drinks. We also had vegan, dairy free, and nut-free options available as well.
A man walked in and demanded to speak to our boss because we didn’t have a “dairy-free, vegan, sugar-free, and nut-free” option all rolled into one item. My guess is that if you have that many restrictions that chocolate shops just aren’t for you.
The owner just chuckled and said, “We have one option that fits your requirements. It’s called water.” The man became so furious that he stomped out of the shop.
19. Retail Drama
A retail worker who worked at the customer information desk at Walmart was dealing with an extremely rude customer and told her, “I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are.” The customer exploded and demanded to see a manager ASAP.
The manager came out and the customer told him that, “Your employee was so rude, she should never work with customers again and should be fired immediately.”
The manager asked the customer what exactly was said to her. The customer repeated the line for the manager. The manager was befuddled. He asked why that would be offensive. In fact, he thought that it would be a nice thing to say to someone.
Talk about a catch 22. Either the customer had to admit she was being rude or she had to accept that what the employee said was nice. She just decided to walk away instead. Based on what we know, I’m sure she was fuming.
20. Not Pretty
When I was about fifteen, I asked my mom why she would wear makeup all the time. I said, “You’re only in your 40s mom, you look so young.” She said, “I wear makeup to avoid looking like you,”
I was destroyed. Maybe this is why I have self-esteem issues and am insecure about my looks.
In student government class my senior year, there was a girl who sat next to me who thought she was all that. She said she would only date guys who were good looking, athletic and smart.
She then said, “I’m just a girl who is hard to obtain.” I replied with, “Yeah right. More like a girl who is hard to want.”
Everyone who sat within a few seats of me started to cackle. It caused so much commotion that the teacher even came over to ask what was going on. Most people were happy that I put this girl in her place.
21. Taste Of Your Own Medicine
The head cheerleader asked me out to prom in front of the entire class in an attempt to embarrass me. Thankfully, I’d been through my fair share of pranks and I was able to sniff this one out in the moment. I decided to flip the script.
Without even thinking I said, “No thanks Karen, I have standards.” The entire class including the teacher started hooting and hollering.
22. Entitled Customer
I went out to eat at an Italian restaurant, and I noticed that there was this lady in her 20s a couple tables over who was acting horribly towards the restaurant staff. The people at her table were quite embarrassed by her.
Suddenly, this older lady spoke up and said, “Oh sweetie, “you’re not pretty enough to be throwing a tantrum like that.” I think the whole restaurant wanted to secretly give this woman a standing ovation.
23. Insult Backfire
My mom was in a heated argument with my brother and called him a “son of a [bleep].” He responded, “You’ve got that right.” My mom quickly got the comeback and started to crack up.
24. Work Hard, Play Hard
I’ve worked in construction for about a decade, and a lot of my fellow construction workers are exactly how you’d expect. On this job, there was one who stuck out because he was really loud and loved to tell stories. He talked about how he loved to drink and how much trouble it would often get him in.
He said that in his entire life he has never been able to sell any of his cars. He says that he always ends up totaling them when he’s drunk.
I recently bought my first home and one of the other workers on the job was asking me questions about it. The storyteller overheard us and said, “How’s that possible? I’ve been working longer than you and can only afford a basement.
You’ve only been in construction for a few years, how can you afford a house?” My response was concise and ruthless. I replied, “I don’t have any drinking stories, that’s how.”
25. Karma Comes Back
In high school I took drama all four years because I really liked the teacher. She basically just let us do whatever we wanted as long as we were being productive.
She would often rant to the class about her failed marriages and her relationship issues.
Throughout high school I had always tried to date her daughter. Her daughter and her mother were both aware of this. Every time I did something embarrassing or dumb she (my teacher) would say, “And this is why you can’t get a girlfriend.” She would frequently take jabs like this at me. Finally, I had had enough.
I replied back with, “And that’s why you’ve never been able to keep a man.” She turned red as soon as I said that, and the whole class looked at me with looks of disgust. I could tell everyone thought that was a low blow.
26. Big Talker
I was watching Fast And Furious during lunch break and another kid was watching with me. He seemed to particularly enjoy the movie. One of his friends tried to be a smart alec and said, “Small minds are amused by small things.” The kid immediately got his revenge.
He replied, “Why do you think I’m always hanging out with you.” The whole cafeteria went nuts. I gained a lot of respect for that kid.
27. Going Out Strong
During one of the earlier jobs in my career, I had a boss who was not only rude but also a notorious micromanager. She came up behind me and looked at my screen from over my shoulder. She said, “Can I ask you a stupid question?” Since I was going to quit next week I decided to give her a spicy response.
“You seem qualified for that”. I was proud of myself, but it ended up being my last day.
28. Mother of Insults
My mom and I have a great relationship now, but we’d constantly argue when I was a teenager. She would often say things to me like, “You’re just like your dad.” I was sick of her saying this and I said, “I’m not like him. I’m way more intelligent.”
She said, “Yeah, and why’s that?” “I had a girlfriend like you and I broke up with her.” I could tell that one really hurt her. She didn’t speak to me for a week. I have to admit, I feel a little bad for saying that.
29. Take Out The Trash
I work in construction and we’ve been working on the interstate during the night when there is less traffic. There was some trash and debris in the middle of the lanes and my crew and I were working to clear it.
Another crew was also in the vicinity and they were doing some work with machines.
These guys were seriously obnoxious. They thought they were the best of the best.
I asked them if they could move out of the way so we could get by. The head of their crew said, “Let’s get out of this little lady’s way so she can pick up the trash.
You’re so slow and you didn’t even pick up all the trash.” I replied back, “Oh my bad, I don’t think you’re going to fit in this bag. Let me go get a bigger dumpster that we can put you in.” The guy’s jaw dropped. I don’t think anyone had ever stood up to him before.
30. Shopping Transgressions
I generally don’t like to toot my own horn, but I think this comeback warrants it. You know how some people ride those little motorized carts in grocery stores to get around. Well there was this one lady who was parked in an aisle horizontally.
This meant that there was no room for anyone to pass. I waited for nearly a whole minute for her to move, but she stayed put. I was a bit peeved, and I squeezed past in this little sliver of space that was available.
She yells to me, “Patience is a virtue.” Now you decide to finally wake up and be present. I replied without missing a beat, “And being lazy like a sloth is a vice.”
31. Mirror, Mirror On The Wall
I was spending time at a buddy’s house and his parents were arguing. This was nothing new. They were always arguing. His mom is screaming loud enough for all of us to hear (me, my friend, and his little brother). “Oh so you think you’re such a big tough man.
Why don’t you go and tell the boys why you aren’t able to get it up!” My dad came back with a quick witted response, “I don’t need to tell them. They already know why.
Go look in a mirror and you’ll know why too.” We started laughing so loudly that my mom heard us and kicked us out of the house. It was well worth it.
32. Run, Kid, Run!
We were watching Forrest Gump in English class. One of the greatest movies made in my opinion. Anyways, we got to the part of the movie where Forrest and Jenny get together.
This prompted someone to say, “I wonder how she felt sleeping with such a dummy!” The teacher quickly replied, “I’m not sure, why don’t we ask your girlfriend.”
The kid was so embarrassed that he slumped down in his chair and didn’t make a sound the rest of class.
33. Stand Up For Yourself
One of my female colleagues is someone who I don’t particularly like, and this morning she was in a mood. My male coworker is chatting with her for a bit and she is being short with him. He then says, “Seems like you’re on your period.”
She looks at him with a death-glare and replies, "I woke up in a pool of my own blood, and if you don’t shut your mouth, you’re going to end up the same way.” Wow. She gained my respect that day.
