Oh boy, Karens are everywhere, and they just seem to get worse and worse! These entitled divas take it to the next level with their antics, from berating customer service reps to throwing a full-blown hissy fit for the smallest thing. It's absolutely ridiculous - but you can't help but watch the sheer ridiculousness of it all. Karens are like a train wreck - you just can't look away.
1. At the tipping point
My mom is a bona fide Karen. She's always scouring the newspaper for coupons at restaurants, and that decides where we have dinner. Now, my family wasn't exactly struggling, but that didn't stop my mom from living life to the coupon-est. One time, when I was about 15, my mom and I went to a Tex-Mex joint that had a buy one, get one coupon. After we ate, the total bill came out to just over eleven bucks. So, of course my mom tips a whole dollar. But karma came back to bite her in the butt. As we were leaving, the server ran out to our car and handed my mom the dollar, saying, “You must need this more than me!” I'm sure she was embarrassed, but I still laugh about it.
2. All yolked up
Once, when I was working at this ridiculously famous breakfast joint, this seemingly lovely old couple came sauntering in. After I narrated a few of our amazing specials at their request, the woman ordered the duck hash, and the man ordered two plain poached eggs on toast. All seemed to be going well...until I brought them their food. The guy went totally bonkers, and when I asked him what the problem was, his response made my head spin.
Apparently, he was upset that I didn't bring him a tablespoon for his eggs. Granted, he never requested one, but according to him, all humans on the face of the earth should know that poached eggs must be served with a tablespoon. I've been a waitress for almost a decade, and I've served countless poached eggs—yet never heard this rule. Nevertheless, I went all out apologizing, making him feel better, and informed him I would go get him a spoon.
I thought that would be the end of it, but I was very wrong. He proceeded to shout, “No! My breakfast is now ruined!” Then, he threw his plate of food at me and ran off. His wife gave me a sorrowful look as she followed him. I had to work the next eight hours with egg yolk splattered all over me.
3. Clinging to the wine
Ah, the joys of working at a vineyard! Sure, it's a great place to work, but you never know what you might encounter. Like the time I encountered the infamous 'Karen of all Karens'! She and her gang of wannabe wine connoisseurs had clearly had too much to drink and decided to attempt to crash our establishment, even though we are not a bar and do not serve 'trashed people'.
When I politely told her that her party had to leave, she had the nerve to reply with, "I'm not going anywhere." I knew there was no way I could reason with her, so I resorted to calling the local officer on-call to come and escort her out.
I warned her that if she didn't leave within five minutes, she would have to deal with the officer. She didn't believe me, so I decided to prove it to her. I started to make my way out the side door to get a look at the limo's plate number so I could give it to the officer, but she followed me into the back office and pushed me into a filing cabinet! Talk about her audacity, I had nearly lost it.
Luckily, her group came back, grabbed her, and sped off in their limo before the officer arrived. I gave the officer the plate number so he could have a little chat with them, and that was the end of that. All this for a glass of wine! It's something I have to deal with at least three to five times a year, but I'm sure I can handle it.
4. Border brouhaha
My mom is a Karen but is a very special woman - not only is she a Karen, but she is also incredibly fluent in Spanish! Once when we were at the Mexico City airport, on our way to Juarez, and she had a huge box filled with plates and other souvenirs she got while we were in Mexico.
When we got to the check-in counter, the guy said that she needed to get the box wrapped, which made my mom so mad she could hardly contain herself. She yelled, "WELL, I'VE NEVER HAD TO DO THAT BEFORE!! I BRING STUFF FROM MEXICO CITY ALL THE TIME, AND I'VE NEVER HAD TO DO THAT"! Everyone around us was shocked to hear a white woman screaming in perfect Spanish. The guy insisted that she needed to go get the box taped up for an extra charge of about 200 pesos (around $10). In a fit of rage, she stormed off, leaving the box unattended - something that airport announcements had specifically told us NEVER to do! My dad and I had already gone through check-in and security, so we were left to watch Karen's epic tantrum.
We made it to our gate and my mother was still fuming, telling us all about how she had been wronged by the airport officials. Just as she finished her story, karma came back to bite her! Five security officers approached her, with AR-15s in hand, and asked her to confirm her name.
Before we knew it, they were dragging her away! My dad, an attorney, had a "holy cow" moment, and we ran after her. Thankfully, my dad's lawyer skills saved my mother from being taken in for terroristic threats and we made it to our flight! We also managed to get the box home safe and sound. Every time we use the plates, I can't help but make fun of her for the whole experience!
5. Getting the vapors
I am a pregnant cocktail waitress, and I have had the pleasure of being confronted by a 'Karen' who was adamant that I must be fired from my job due to my condition. She and her family were in for lunch, and I was serving them the menu when she said,
"But, wait, do you work here?" she asked.
"Yep," I replied, chuckling to try and lighten the mood.
"But you're pregnant, you can't work here if you're pregnant," she continues.
"I work here; I don't drink here," I explained, still attempting to keep things light.
Karen scans me up and down and says, "Have you taken any prenatal courses? Do you really think that's responsible for having your unborn baby in here?"
At this point, I should have known to keep my mouth shut, but I was feeling defensive and so I blurted it all out, "Well, you've brought your kids in here."
"Yes, and what kind of example do you think you're setting for them?" she fired back.
I was speechless.
Karen then demanded to speak to the manager, even though we hadn't even gotten to the drinks yet. I asked if there was anything I could help them with, and Mr. Karen said sternly, "No, just a manager. Didn't you hear my wife?"
I had to get the owner off the phone, so I reluctantly did. And when my manager arrived, Karen informs her, like it was some breaking news, "Your server is pregnant." The owner calmly explains that she is aware and that none of her employees drink on the clock.
Mr. Karen then exclaims, "I don't want my kids seeing this!"
The owner and I both ask, "Seeing what, exactly?"
"A pregnant woman around all this alcohol," Mr. Karen says in a patronizing tone.
I explain that I would never drink while pregnant, but then Karen comes out with the most outrageous statement I have ever heard.
"Look, honey, didn't you take a health class in junior high? With a drink right under you half the time, the vapor is absorbed into your blood through the air, and then that blood goes to the fetus and poisons it."
The owner and I look at each other in disbelief.
The owner offers to have Ella serve them instead, but Mr. Karen insists that I must be placed on maternity leave or, better yet, fired.
The owner calmly explains that there is no child endangerment to speak of and that they must leave.
Karen then decides to push her luck and starts to preach about Jesus, saying, "Jesus is love, and Jesus said this is not okay. Just because you think it's okay to harm a child if it's small enough..."
The owner, a devout Catholic, had had enough and quickly put an end to the conversation, "I don't need anyone to tell me what Jesus said. I need you to please leave."
And with that, the Karen family was escorted out of the pub.
Mr. Karen was determined to get his message across and made sure the authorities knew about the pregnancy-related law he thought was being broken. He called the police, and when they arrived, everyone in the bar was waiting to see what would happen. Officer 1 and Officer 2 stepped in and asked if there was a Mr. Karen in the room, to which he proudly answered, "Right here, officers!"
Karen was adamant that the pregnant woman was drinking and that it was a huge crime. Officer 2 calmly explained that it was not against the law to work in a pub while pregnant. Karen was in disbelief and demanded that the bar's license be revoked. Officer 1 suggested that he talk to the woman, but the other patrons came to my defense and told the officers that the owner had asked the Karens to leave, but they were still causing a ruckus.
The officers then escorted the Karens out of the bar, and a regular who left around the same time told me that they were ticketed for parking in a handicapped space. Karen made a complaint to the liquor authority, claiming that minors were being served. After an investigation, the authorities concluded that this was not the case. It was quite a wild night! But they got what they deserved.
6. DIY Karen
When I was working at the Home Depot, Karen told me that she didn't want any Black men to install her flooring. What a racist. I was the one who had to take care of her order, so I kindly told her that we don't exactly pick which individuals will do the installation and that she'll get whoever is assigned to do it. She got so mad that I thought she was about to have a meltdown. She started screaming and yelling at me, demanding to speak to my manager.
And I'm so glad she did because, guess what: my manager is a huge black guy named Dwayne. I think her face said it all when she saw him; it was like she had seen a ghost! It was pretty obvious that she didn't want to talk to the manager anymore. She probably regretted ever asking for one!
7. Tossed out of Target
When I had just graduated college, I decided to take a job as a manager at Starbucks. Unfortunately, my first customer didn't turn out to be too pleasant. We made a small mistake in her iced tea and all it would have taken was a mere thirty seconds to fix it. But instead of being understanding, her reaction was something out of a horror movie. She threw the drink back across the counter, turned to her daughter, and said in the most condescending, never-worked-a-day-in-her-life, soccer mom, "trophy" wife voice: “See, this is why we finish high school.”
Being the manager, I wasn't about to put up with her insidious behavior. I told her she wouldn't be receiving any further service from me. To my surprise, she thought she could get away with her antics by having her store manager from Target come and back her story. Little did she know, the Starbucks I was working in was inside the Target I had previously worked in. Thankfully, the other customers backed up my story, and the woman was removed from the store before she could cause any more trouble.
8. She was an endless stream of problems
As I was manning the ice stand, I had the pleasure of meeting a lovely family. The mother and her two children stepped up to the window, and the daughter gave her order, but then the son said he had to pee. Now, there was a perfectly good tree about a few feet away and a bathroom that we allowed kids to use, but instead of taking him to either of those places, the mother took him to the side of our building and had him pee there!
The line was getting longer and longer, so I decided to take the next customer's order while the mother and son were still...watering the wall. When she finally returned, she stepped in front of the lady and said she was ready. I asked her to give me a minute as I was almost done with the other person, and that's when the mother went into a deep, fiery rage. She started shouting about how unprofessional I was and how I had terrible customer service, and I simply explained that while she was busy relieving her son, I was trying to help the next person.
At this point, she demanded to speak to the manager, so I gave her his number and wrote down my name for her to tell him. This only made her angrier, and she waited while I made her stuff, screaming the entire time. She eventually huffed off, leaving behind her trail of...pee. The people behind her were all very apologetic, and they told me I was doing a great job - despite the pee!
9. For Karen and the country
Right after I finished school and said 'goodbye' to my textbooks, I thought, 'what better way to start my adult life than by joining the army?' I was so excited to be a part of something meaningful and noble. Little did I know that I would be signing up for Basic Training and then volunteering for a unit known as The Old Guard. That's right - I was ready to take on the world - or at least the DC area - and show them what I was made of.
The Old Guard is no joke. They are responsible for ceremonies in the DC area, funerals in the prestigious Arlington National Cemetery, and other important duties. It's not just any unit, though - it's made up of some incredibly impressive units, like the US Army Drill Team and the Sentinels of the Tomb of the Unknowns. I was honored and humbled to be a part of such a prestigious group.
It's the 4th of July in the nation's capital, Washington DC, and the party is in full swing! All kinds of festivities are going on throughout the city, but the most exciting celebration is taking place right in front of the Capitol building on the National Mall. My unit, the Presidential Guns Salute Battery, has the honor of providing the low boom for the performance of the 1812 overture. Only the platoon's most experienced members are selected to participate in this prestigious task, so the rest of us were given a special spot at the very front of the crowd - the best seats in the house!
We arrived at the show prepared with our bag of goodies - hot dogs, hamburgers, potato chips, and more. We had a couple of fold-up chairs, our families in tow, and a portable BBQ to do the grilling. It was a beautiful day, and the atmosphere was perfect for a delicious cookout. Initially, it wasn't too crowded, and we had plenty of room to set up our own little area near the front that was garden off from the masses. But, as the day went on, more and more people showed up, and it was practically shoulder-to-shoulder before the show even started! But, thanks to our clever pre-planning and roped-off area, we were still able to enjoy our cookout without being too squished.
Throughout the day, we had people come up to us and be all like, 'Excuse me, can we join you?' and we would be like, 'No way, Jose!' We weren't rocking the army uniforms, but we had our unit T-shirts on, you know, to show off our army pride. Then Karen comes along, and she's like, 'Hey guys! What's up?'. We were totally taking advantage of the afternoon, chillin' in the sunshine and all that stuff. But Karen had other plans, and we were just like, 'Well, here we go...'.
I was chillin' at the edge of our hood when I heard a voice coming from behind me. I spun around and saw Karen with a face as if she'd just eaten a lemon and a hairdo that said, "I'm gonna have a word with your boss's BOSS." She said, "Yo, sonny, can you ask your dad to take this rope down? This is a public area, and my little ones can't see the Capitol Building". I was like, "Umm...can't you just ask HIM yourself???" I mean, it's not like I'm the rope whisperer or anything.
Me: (while desperately trying to contain my laughter) Well, ma'am, The Old Guard is an exclusive club for veteran rope-makers who are quite serious about their craft. You see, these signs hanging on the rope every five feet? Those have been prepared and placed there by the Old Guard to remind everyone of the importance of rope-making. Karen: (with a look of confusion) Rope-making? That sounds like a strange hobby. Me: (smiling) Oh, it's not a hobby, ma'am. It's a way of life. The Old Guard takes it very seriously, which is why they chose to reserve this area for their members and families. So if you'd like to come back a little closer to dusk, we'll be taking the rope down around then.
Me: (with an excited grin) Ma'am, we are the U.S. Army's official ceremonial unit, and our primary responsibility is escorting the President of the United States of America around the country!
Karen: (giving me a skeptical look) I don't see the President here, so shouldn't you be escorting him somewhere? *rolls eyes*
Me: (stunned into silence and desperately searching for an answer) Uhh... (Before I can blurt out something ridiculous, I'm rescued by the platoon sergeant!)
Platoon Sergeant: (affably putting a hand on my shoulder) Good afternoon, ma'am. I'm Sergeant First Class Guy in charge. How can I help you?
As I knew that it was my time to beat it, I hurried back to my chair like a scaredy-cat and watched their interaction with curiosity. I couldn't hear a word they were saying, but Karen eventually walked away, looking like a pickle that had been left in the sun too long. I didn't give it a second thought…until two hours later when we were clearing up the mess, taking down the chairs and tables and such. Suddenly, I spotted Karen coming near us again, and I almost swallowed my tongue!
This time, she had two Capitol Officers in tow, and my Sergeant must have noticed too because I heard him mumble, "What the heck?" as he strolled over to chat with them. I didn't quite get the entire exchange, but we all got the gist of it later. The Sergeant said, "Officers, what seems to be the problem here?" They replied, looking obviously flustered, "Sergeant, we got a report that you and your crew were making some inappropriate hand gestures and remarks towards this lady's family. Is there any truth to this?" My Sergeant must have been taken aback because I heard him gasp audibly!
Sergeant: Hahahahahahahahahah! Absolutely not! I've been babysitting these kids all day and haven't seen anything close to that kind of shenanigan. Offices: (nodding sagely, like they were expecting the answer they got) We figured that would be the case, but we had to come to check up on ya. Sorry for being a nuisance. Karen: You mean you're just gonna let them sit there and hog up all the space!? I drove my kids nine hours to get here, and this is what I get!? Hahaha, oh, dear.
Officers: Ma'am, these men have been granted permission from the District of Columbia to hang around here; it's kinda like a VIP pass (points to a sign not three feet away) that explicitly states that. Sergeant: (trying to lighten the mood) Ma'am, we're tidying up the place right now, and in about 20 minutes, we'll have it all nice and neat, and then we'll take away the rope, and you and your family can be first in line! So just sit tight. We'll be done in no time!
Karen stared at us with an expression that was eerily reminiscent of a cow looking at a speeding locomotive. Without so much as a "moo," she did an about-face and sashayed away. Thinking the drama was done and dusted, we returned to our task of de-roping and stacking the pylons in the arms of one of our comrades. Little did we know that this was only the beginning of the bovine-induced escapades that were to come.
Suddenly, Karen and her entourage of four children, plus her frazzled-looking husband, came hurtling into view. In a loud, demanding voice, Karen bellowed: "Move aside! I'm here! Finally!" She plowed right through poor Private Another guy - who, we must remember, had to be between 5'10" and 6'4" and remain in peak physical condition to be part of The Old Guard, an infantry unit. Poor Private Another guy didn't stand a chance!
If you weren't in the know, the infantry is basically the first line of battle, and we were all equipped and ready for it. So, it goes without saying that none of us were puny or feeble. Karen was probably about 180 pounds, so when I tell you that she knocked this guy over, I'm not kidding! She really put some power into it. The other chap ended up on the floor, and steel pylons were scattered everywhere. It was quite a sight!
It was a scene straight out of a bad dream. One moment, another guy was standing there, minding his own business. The next moment, he had a chipped tooth and a split eyebrow, courtesy of a couple who had just hit him in the face! Things got even worse when, as if in slow motion, one of the pylons, which had been carelessly kicked around, decided to show its disdain by bouncing off the ground and hitting one of Karen's kids in the leg. The poor kid, who was probably around 12 or 13, started wailing so loudly you'd think he had lost a limb!
The whole thing was enough to send Karen over the edge. She was red-faced and screaming at the top of her lungs, threatening to sue us for assault and claiming that we had ruined her family vacation. Blah blah blah...
At this point, the sergeant had had enough. If Karen thought her voice was loud, she soon discovered that there was no sound louder than a raging senior NCO. With a single bellow, he silenced everyone in the vicinity. Sergeant: SILENCE! (paused for dramatic effect) THAT IS IT. YOU HAVE BEEN BOTHERING ME ALL DAY. WE HAVE TRIED TO BE COURTEOUS; WE HAVE TRIED TO BE POLITE. YOU HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT IMPOLITE. NOW YOU'VE HURT ONE OF MY SOLDIERS. THIS. STOPS. RIGHT NOW!
Karen was standing there like a deer caught in headlights. Her mouth was gaping open, but no words were coming out. It was like a scene from a movie! All of a sudden, here come two Capitol officers, as if they were summoned by the gods! It was almost like they were waiting for something like this to happen and were just around the corner. Karen's eyes widened in shock as the first officer pulled out a pair of cuffs and said, "Ma'am, turn around and put your hands behind your back. You are under arrest for assault and harassment." It was like a comedy sketch comes to life!
She attempted to come up with every possible pretense she could muster. However, the cops were having none of it. They conversed with another bloke, and he was determined to bring charges. Consequently, they escorted Karen away. I do not know what the father did with the kids; they vanished into thin air when the police officers took Karen. It was discovered after another fellow returned from the court hearing that Karen had been bringing three containers of pills that were not hers, in addition to two credit cards that weren't hers either. Aye, Karen was in quite a pickle!
She gave it her all, but it just wasn't enough! We all commiserated with her and then had a good chuckle about poor Karen for days on end. When it was all said and done, we were graced with the 1812 overture and were lucky to have walked away with only a chipped tooth and a few bruises for another guy. Who said miracles didn't exist?
10. Don’t mind me
When I was in college, a student came in and sat in their chair, leaning back, taking that standard “don’t care” posture. Meanwhile, another woman in her mid-50s came in and sat next to him. No one took any notice at first because, again this was college, and everyone could attend at different times in their lives. But it got weird fast.
Usually attendance wasn’t taken, but it was the first day of a 101 class, so the professor wanted to make sure everyone who was supposed to be there was. The woman had a notebook out but wasn’t on the class roster, nor was she someone who was waitlisted. The professor asked her if she missed the waitlist announcement, to which she replied, “No, Don’t mind me”.
The professor frowned and asked, “Why not? What are you doing here?” Her answer really threw us for a loop. The woman replied, “Taking notes for my son. Like I said, don’t mind me”. The professor was dumbfounded and asked, “But he's in college! Why can't he take his own notes?” The woman answered, “Yes, but notes are hard for him”.
The professor asked, “Does he have an IEP? If so, we have a program for that”. The woman said, “No. Like I said, Don’t mind me”. The professor told her, “I do mind. You have to pay to be in this class”. The woman then said in a rather cheeky tone, “I’m not learning anything. Just taking notes”. The professor was left utterly baffled. He pointed her to the exit at that point.
He just said, “No. You’re gonna leave the classroom because your son isn’t twelve anymore and can darn well take his own notes. You didn’t pay for classes, so you’re not allowed to be here. Goodbye”! The woman, who still had the audacity, had the nerve to say, “Well! I will complain to the head of your department”. But the professor still had one more trick up his sleeve.
He told her in a stern voice, “I am the head; now leave”. We all laughed at the woman as she left, feeling embarrassed and defeated. What an amusing day indeed!
11. A recipe for disaster
I worked part-time as a busboy when I was in high school, and boy was it an experience! It seemed like this one family had decided to sign up for a mission to create as much of a mess as humanly possible. They were like a tornado of destruction, leaving a trail of chaos and destruction in their wake. Fries were scattered all over the floor, and I watched in disbelief as one of the kids filled the salt and pepper shakers into a glass of milk.
I was already exhausted from the sheer pandemonium that was ensuing, so when the dad called me over, I almost lost my mind. "Hey," he said casually as if nothing was amiss, "Can junior have new milk? He had a little accident." I wanted to scream, "LITTLE ACCIDENT?! This is absolute madness!" But I held my tongue, instead just standing there in stunned silence as the screaming continued, with zero reaction from the parents. They were there for an entire hour, and I had to clean up after them over a dozen times before the hostess finally had the guts to tell them not to return. To be honest, I was relieved when they threw a fit and left, and I never had to see them again!
12. Karen Versus Carl Jr.
My mom is a real Karen! She's convinced that the world revolves around her and that everyone else is wrong. We once went to Carl's Jr. and she ordered four burgers for the four of us, but as soon as the guy handed us the bag, she started to pull out the burgers one by one, counting them in front of him. He kept insisting that he had put four burgers in the bag, but she wasn't having any of it - she threatened to call his manager if he didn't get her another one! I was absolutely speechless, but before I could say anything, she had already gotten her free burger and was laughing as we drove away. I just stared at her in shock as she opened the burger to eat it on the way home as if the fifth burger never existed!
And don't even get me started on how she behaves in the hospital. She acts like it's a five-star hotel or something, demanding whatever she wants and expecting everyone else to jump at her command! I just can't even.
13. Let the music play
I couldn't believe my eyes when the most outrageous thing happened to me on the bus ride to college. I was listening to some punk rock tunes from a band called Frei. Wild, which is from a German-speaking region in South Tyrol, Italy. All of a sudden, a woman with a stroller hops onto the bus and takes the only seat next to me. She looks down at my phone and sees a song called "Sieger Stehen Da Auf, Wo Verlier Liegen Bleiben" (which loosely translates to "Winners Stand Where Losers Fall"). That's when she yanks one of my earphones out and scolds me for listening to "awful Polish music" and not being a "decent citizen" by speaking English.
I was absolutely baffled because I'm actually Scottish and have never been to Poland or Germany. So I tell her that I was born and raised in Scotland and that she should mind her own business because I'm wearing headphones, so she can't hear the music anyway. She then accuses me of listening to "sinful, demonic music in public" and scaring her child. I look in the stroller and see that her kid is sound asleep. I then give her a piece of my mind and explain that I have my headphones in and she can't hear it, so she should just leave me alone.
Well, let's just say she didn't take too kindly to my words and immediately hit the stop button and hopped off the bus with her stroller. I was relieved, to say the least! I guess Karen learned the hard way that maybe Polish people aren't the problem in this country – maybe it's stuck-up judgmental witches like her!
14. The joys of motherhood
My boyfriend's cousin has four children who are the living embodiment of all that is bratty. She refuses to discipline them and makes excuses for their terrible behavior, and then has the audacity to judge us for our decision not to have any children. She has also made snide comments towards me, attempting to make me feel guilty for not providing my boyfriend with the 'joys of parenting.' These are the reasons why my boyfriend had chosen to cut all ties with her.
However, when we visited his parent's home for his parents' anniversary celebration three days ago, we had the misfortune of running into her once again. My boyfriend's dad had urged him to use the occasion to patch things up with the cousin, so we both decided to make an effort and engage in small talk. What a mistake that was!
During the conversation, my boyfriend mentioned that we were leaving for Melbourne for a much-needed vacation in a few days. On hearing this, the cousin's eyes lit up, and she started crying about how they haven't gone anywhere since their honeymoon and how hard it was for them with four kids. It was obvious where this was headed. My boyfriend, being the kind-hearted soul that he is, offered to buy them a weekend in a resort in Mt. Abu, a hill station in the Indian state of Rajasthan.
But the cousin wasn't satisfied. She whined, "That's nice, but why can't you just take us to Melbourne with you? You two don't have any responsibilities. You can afford this trip; why won't you share with family?" My boyfriend, who was already getting a bit annoyed, tried to reason with her and explain that we wanted to spend some time alone together and that the kids would love Mt. Abu. But she just wouldn't take no for an answer.
At this point, my boyfriend's mom interjected and told the cousin that he was making a very generous offer and that she should either take it or leave it. To which the cousin replied, with her typical 'Karen' attitude, "Oh, I know! Why don't my husband and I go to Mt. Abu, and you can take our kids to Melbourne? That way, the kids can have fun in Melbourne with you two, and my hubby and I can enjoy a peaceful weekend. You two don't make time for them!"
My boyfriend got even more annoyed and said, "I'm offering for the last time. It's either the weekend in Mt. Abu or nothing at all. And why the heck would we ruin our vacation taking care of your kids?" On hearing this, the cousin finally shut up. We all had dinner together, and she was absolutely quiet. If only her kids had followed her example.
But we were wrong to think that this was the end of it. The next morning, the cousin showed up at my apartment with the kids in tow. I asked if something was wrong and she said, "I'm just here to drop the kids off. You're leaving tonight, right?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I called my boyfriend and put him on speaker. He immediately started scolding her and told her that he would no longer pay for their weekend getaway and that this is exactly the kind of behavior that had made him cut ties with her.
The cousin took her kids and stormed off, leaving us in a fit of laughter. We still can't believe what made her think that her ridiculous plan would work!
15. This Karen comes with baggage
After eight long years of dating a cruel older man who was twice my age, I was young, naive, and utterly dumb. This Karen was a semi-successful business owner who constantly tried to control every area of my life, like ordering my food at restaurants and not allowing me to try something new. If I had a problem, he wouldn't listen, but if he had a problem, he'd demand to speak to the manager. I was so used to this behavior that I even copied some of his annoying tendencies, like speaking up when I felt I wasn't getting the right service.
It was during a flight back from Vegas that I finally realized the truth about him. Our luggage was heavier when we flew out than when we flew in, so he demanded an explanation from the check-in clerk. I stupidly answered that it must have been all the extra shoes and clothes we purchased, and he just quietly paid up. Later, he told me not to do that again and revealed that he was actually trying to get away with not paying the fee. I couldn't believe it! Here was a guy who spent $1,500 on a private dancer for a friend, but was too cheap to pay an extra $60 for excess baggage.
That was the last straw for me, and we broke up soon after. I was so relieved to finally be rid of him and his obnoxious Karen-like behavior. I'm still trying to check myself on the Karen tendencies he had rubbed off on me.
16. Living your best life
The beautiful time I spent in Melbourne, Australia! What a time it was. I met the most adorably gorgeous gay couple ever - Brian and Derek (names changed, of course). They were both bisexual, living in the same building as me on the floor directly above mine. So naturally, I got into a relationship with both of them - we had threesomes, sometimes more, and it was tons of fun for everyone involved.
My neighbors, however, were not so thrilled. Karen and Todd were a middle-aged couple with two children, living in the exact same hallway as me. After seeing Brian and Derek leaving my apartment early in the morning on more than one occasion, Karen asked me in the elevator what I was doing with “those two gays.” I just rolled my eyes and politely told her it was none of her business. But when she kept on pestering me, I told her “If you must know, I’m friends with benefits with them, now leave me alone”. I still remember the look of shock on her face!
I later found out that they had tried to talk to the property manager about “gays moving into a building with families and children”, only to be told to screw off. But Todd still had his way of showing his disapproval - every time either or both of these guys were in the elevator with them or ran into them in the parking lot, he would stand between them and his kids and give Brian and/or Derek angry looks.
They must've been trying to stop their darlings from catching "the gay". HA! In the following weeks, the narcissistic couple kept giving me the stink eye every time they saw me. I just sweetly smiled back, which caused them even more irritation. One time, their teenage daughter said "Hi" to me and attempted to make small talk, before her mom pulled her away by the arm and scolded her for talking to "that lady".
Interestingly, their kids looked very well-behaved and kind, and I felt genuinely sorry for them. My neighbors (another couple with children, whom I was friendly with) later told me that Karen had tried to get them to file a noise complaint against me. According to Karen's logic, since I shared a wall with that family, they could probably listen to all the "unholy" sounds coming from my apartment, and they should complain to protect their kids.
The pleasant couple told them they would never do that since I had never disturbed them and they had never heard any suspicious noises from my place. One night, Brian, Derek, and I decided to have a foursome that involved the three of us and Brian and Derek's pal Dean. The following morning, Dean asked if he could come back to my place with me.
As it was a Sunday morning and Dean was good-looking enough to make angels cry, I gave consent. As he and I were walking down the hallway to my flat, Karen was just leaving hers. She saw us chirping and laughing with his arm around my waist. She approached me, inquiring angrily if I was "selling my body." I calmly told her she was off her rocker and asked her to get lost.
Later that day, I got a scary call from the property manager. She wanted to let me know that Karen and Todd had complained that I was a "prostitute" and that it was hazardous for their kids to be in the same building as me. They detailed to her all about how I was bringing back different men. The property manager had gotten to know Brian and Derek quite well and guessed that I was "friends" with them.
So she phoned them, and they told her all about Karen's bizarre behavior and allegations. They said that the man they had seen me with was a mutual friend. The property manager talked them out of filing any false accusation against me as it might cause a lot of difficulties for them. I thanked that lovely lady and later had a good laugh about it all with Brian and Derek.
The persistent harassment from Karen and Todd stopped, but of course, the hateful looks continued. On one occasion, when we were in the elevator together, Karen made a feeble effort to humiliate me by haughtily asking if I was going to have any men over that night. What she didn't know is that shame about my promiscuity is something I'm totally unable to feel.
I proceeded to tell her in great detail about all the activities I was going to do that evening. I mean, she was the one who asked, right? After this amusing little conversation, she and her husband kept a wide berth from me. What a blast!
17. A big splash
It was one of those nights at McDonald's - the kind where you don't expect anything out of the ordinary to happen. That is until a woman drove through the drive-thru around 1 AM, and someone mistakenly gave her Diet Coke instead of a regular one. What happened next was something we would never forget!
The customer, infuriated by the mistake, threw her drink back through the window - and it landed in the most unfortunate place - the vat of hot frying oil! The drink started to bubble and fizz, and the oil splattered all over one of our poor co-workers. It was like something out of a crazy movie!
The lady quickly drove away, but luckily, our manager was able to get her license plate number from the surveillance camera footage. She was eventually sued for the incident - which I'm sure was a lesson for us all to check our orders twice, just in case!
18. Queen of the Karens
Once upon a time, I was the brave knight of the Silver Buffalo, and my mission was to go forth and vanquish the dreaded Shopping Cart! I worked at one of those mega-bulk warehouse club stores, and while the job wasn't the worst I'd ever had, it was certainly no picnic. You see, my employer had a reputation for being cheap, and so, more often than not, I found myself alone in the wilds of the parking lot.
And if that wasn't bad enough, the store had more than just one type of cart. There were the classic carts, kiddie carts, electric scooters, and bulky, hard-to-control flatbeds. Oh, and let's not forget that I was also expected to help members load their purchases into their vehicles! It was impossible to keep up with the sheer number of people coming in to buy cheap bulk goods, and I was often called on to help.
One day, I got a call on the radio telling me to help some members load their purchases. I pleaded for more time, but alas, my pleas were ignored, and I was forced to comply. When I returned, I found my vestibule almost empty, save for a line of carts and a certain someone. The dreaded Karen! I won't spend time describing her, but I'm sure you can picture her.
She glared at me and asked, in a menacing tone, "Where are the big flat ones?" I stammered and stuttered, but she wasn't having any of it. "Ugh, Mexicans," she muttered. I'm very much white, in case you were wondering. "WHERE. ARE. THE. FLAT ONES," she demanded. I explained that I was busy helping other members, and this didn't please her.
"OH MY GOD, I don't care about your excuses, you have ONE JOB, and a TRAINED MONKEY could do it!" So, I set out to retrieve the flatbeds, but when I returned with them, Karen was still not happy. She snapped at me to get her a cake, so I reluctantly complied. I watched as she attempted to pick up the cake with one hand, the plastic topper pops off, and she spills the cake all over her expensive designer outfit.
Karen was livid and shouted, "YOU! GET ME ANOTHER CAKE! NOW!" To which I replied, "Terribly sorry, ma'am. I've got one job, and these carts won't gather themselves." I walked away with a huge grin on my face as her shrieks faded into the distance. That day, I learned that the key to dealing with a Karen is to remain calm and focus on your mission: gathering the shopping carts!
So after I've finished my loading spiel, I kindly inform the mother that her munchkin is too short for the ride and that they should try their luck on the pint-sized version of it on the other side of the park. She stares at me with the most intense death glare and just says: “We’re gonna wait here”. Now, I have to get my ride running and hit the desired times, so I don't even bother trying to argue. As time ticks by, she's finally at the front of the line. Boy, I certainly hope she doesn't make me regret my decision!
I was measuring her kid, and lo and behold, he was a good 6 inches shorter than the required height for the ride. I thought I'd better be the bearer of bad news and told her that her little tyke was too short for boarding. I then suggested that they head over to the kiddie ride near the entrance – that way, he'd be able to join in on the fun. But the mum wasn't having any of it and tried to push me out of the way. I, however, was determined to keep my ground and not let her break the rules!
Oh wow, what a difficult situation! I mean, I'm sure the mom was just trying to give her kid the best childhood experience, and I get that. But the safety of the ride has to come first, right? So I politely said to the mom, "My utmost apologies, ma'am! But, you know, this ride is like a wild animal -- it won't accept just anyone! We have a height limit set for the safety of all riders, and your little one just isn't tall enough for the safeties to hold on. You know, I get asked to speak to the manager all the time by entitled parents, but this time I called him so you could wait while I loaded up the ride. So sorry again!
She was getting super mad at me like I was personally responsible for her child not being able to ride the ride! As if I was the one who wrote the rules or something!
She was so flustered that she started talking in a really loud and angry way as if the whole park was in on this conspiracy against her and her kid.
I just tried to look away and pretend I didn’t hear her, and eventually, my team leader came to talk to her.
He was like, “I’m really sorry! This is nothing against you or your kid; it’s just the rule!”
But by then, her kid was already throwing a fit, and she was still shouting in a really obnoxious way. It was like a scene straight out of a comedy sketch!
Oh my goodness, he was rolling around on the ground like a piece of bacon in a hot skillet! I was really struggling to keep a straight face - it was quite the sight! Anyways, my boss apologized to the mom, gave her a "skip the line" ticket to the ride that the little one was allowed to go on, and quickly made his way out of there. The mom was doing her best to calm down the child, and then, all of a sudden, he was back up, smiling and happy, and standing at the entrance, staring at me with a big grin! I'm sure I had a look of shock and surprise on my face!
As I was about to get my ride all loaded up with passengers, this mom comes out of nowhere, tapping me on the shoulder and thanking me for my help. I was like, "Woah, this is a bit out of the ordinary...but sure, it's no problem!" But then she starts rambling on and apologizing to me for her behavior. Like, what?! I was just doing my job, lady! I mean, I get it, I'm an awesome ride operator, but that doesn't mean you gotta be so formal!
I'm standing there in utter disbelief, wondering what could possibly be going through my mind. I tell the woman, who I now know is the brat's mom, that it's no problem and to have a nice day. But when I turn around to have a look at the ride, I realised that the little terror isn't there anymore! I'm starting to get suspicious and look everywhere for him, but he's nowhere to be found. Then, I take a glimpse at the mom again and notice that she's got her phone out, the camera pointed at the ride, and then it hits me - she's taken him on the ride without me!
I stepped out of the car and started shambling towards the ride like an undead zombie. The ride was one of those 'swing types of things,' so I couldn't see the back from where I was standing, but I had a hunch that the little terror had found a way to sneak on. The mother started freaking out, asking me what I was doing and why I wasn't operating the ride. I totally ignored her and slowly made my way to the back of it. And lo and behold, the little monster was sitting there like a haughty king on his throne!
He was so scared when he saw me approaching that he almost lost control of his bladder! It was obvious he had not locked the bar properly AT ALL - it would have gone flying off as soon as I pressed the start button. I was absolutely furious, and I mean furious! I could have gone straight to jail for murder if something had happened! I just glared at him and sternly demanded he gets off my ride. Honestly, it was so satisfying seeing him squirm like that!
He comes up to me and tells me he can't do it, and I'm like, 'But how did you even get here in the first place?!'. So I pick him up, and he starts running towards his mom, screaming like a banshee. Just as he's about to reach her, he trips and falls flat on his face! He gets up with a bloody nose and some scraped knees, and I realize I'm in for some serious trouble. I'm doomed, I thought to myself!
The mom starts shrieking so loudly that it sounded like a thousand banshees had descended upon the scene. As I was sprinting towards the child to check if he was alright and to help him up, she sprinted towards me, delivered a resounding slap to my face, and started hollering for some brawny security personnel with vigor! I was so taken aback by this unexpected turn of events that I had to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Miraculously, it seemed like the security guards must have heard her screeching like a harpy as they came swarming to the spot.
The exchange went something like this. Guard: *looks around in confusion* What in the world is going on here? Mom: *points the finger at me* This girl attacked my son! She threw him off the ride and onto the pavement! Me: *in total disbelief* Excuse me??? Brat: *chiming in* It's true!! She punched me too. Guard: *eyebrows furrowed* Do y'all want me to call the authorities? Mom: *nods her head vigorously* Yes! You need to put her in cuffs! She’s clearly mentally unstable. I’m just completely speechless and flabbergasted at this point.
My lead arrives at the scene, and with a mix of confusion and disbelief, he asks me what the heck is happening. I, with tears streaming down my face, explain the whole story. But, there's one thing that the mom didn't consider - there were a whopping fifteen people who were on the ride and saw the entire thing! So, needless to say, they quickly filled everyone in on the details, from the officers to the security guards and even my lead! What a fiasco!
The mum had a moment of realization when she saw people interrogating the other guests - and before she could come up with a better plan, she just grabbed hold of her child and started sprinting away! As luck would have it, the authorities were quick on their feet, and before she knew it, I had pressed assault charges against her! Needless to say, I handed in my resignation that same day - after all, who could blame her for trying to flee from the scene of a crime?
19. A wild ride
When I was a ripe, young sixteen-year-old, I was employed at the local amusement park - not a massive one, but not a tiny one either. Most of the rides were aimed toward the little whippersnappers in elementary school, but we had a couple for the bigger kids too. I was the operator for one of these rides for the 'older' children, and that particular day I had to measure out each child to make sure they met the height requirements. It didn't matter if they had a parent with them. If they were too small, they weren't going on the ride - not even if they begged and pleaded!
It was a ride that only had a bar that went across your tummy, so anyone who was too tiny to reach it could easily end up splatting onto the ground. That's when Entitled Mother and her entitled Brat appeared in line, and I could already tell that the young lad was probably too petite to ride without having to measure him. He was quite a way down the queue, so I knew it would take one or two go's before his feet finally touched the saddle. He was so small. I had to put him in my pocket to make sure he didn't fall off!
20. Early morning Karen
Ah, the joys of working at Dunkin Donuts! On one particularly memorable occasion, my co-worker and I were in the midst of rushing to get ready for the day when a rather portly woman drove up to the drive-thru - a full 20 minutes before it was even scheduled to open! Since we hadn't yet donned our headsets, we had no idea she was even there. Needless to say, there was no way I was going to put it on a minute earlier than I had to.
Fast forward to the woman finally pulling up to the window with a face that could only be described as downright demonic. We waved to her in a gesture that said, 'Sorry, we're not open yet' - but, for some reason, she took it as a personal slight. She then proceeded to bang on the window, and when we opened it to explain that we weren't able to serve her yet, she unleashed a flurry of curses and squeezed her girthy figure out of the car. Leaning into the window, she continued to spew insults. We simply stood there in awe. Desperate to make her go away, we jokingly told her that the authorities were on their way. Miraculously, it worked, and she quickly scurried away!
21. The queen’s English
Oh boy, this story takes me back five months ago to a time when my stepmom was still British. And not just any kind of British, but Welsh British! Now if you haven't heard of it, Wales is that small, hilly patch of land to the west of England and north of Cornwall. It's a gorgeous place, known for its sheep and other farm animals. But even though my stepmom was raised in England, my Nain and Taid (Welsh for Grandma and Grandpa) were adamant that she and her brother learn Welsh to keep their heritage alive. Obviously, they succeeded!
The Welsh are an incredibly proud bunch, determined to make sure their offspring are as well-versed as possible. So this particular Welsh woman was not just bilingual. She also went to university and managed to land a job with some tech behemoth before eventually making a move to the US to teach their personnel a thing or two. A few years later, she crossed paths with my dad, and before you could say, 'Bob's your uncle,' she was part of the family. Unfortunately, I was still in the midst of coming to terms with the absence of my mom at the time, so her presence was not exactly welcomed with open arms.
Despite this, my stepmom never forced herself upon me. She gave me the space to mourn, and when I was ready, she gave me so much love I felt like I had two mothers! Now, we live in a big city in the middle of the US, where most people are welcoming to outsiders, but, of course, there are always a few people who just want to stir up trouble.
At Christmas, I was home from university with my partner, Charlie, and relishing a great girls' day out with my stepmom. We were in the mall, searching for a spot that sold plastic modeling glue for my dad (he's really into Warhammer). While we were doing this, my stepmom was on the blower with her brother, who still lives in the UK, having a good old natter and giggling away. I was beginning to think that maybe I should have stayed in college for the holidays!
We were innocently standing in front of the mall map, searching for the hobby store, when we encountered the wrath of the infamous Karen! She was dressed in a very fancy business suit, but it couldn't contain the outrage she felt when she heard us speaking Welsh to each other. Before we could even utter a word in our defense, she dragged her kids away as they had just seen a streaker in the wild! I guess Karen wasn't too keen on hearing any language other than her own!
Now I had steeled myself to just turn the other cheek and let it go, but oh no, not Charlie! She's fiercely protective of those she loves, so she had to put that woman in her place. “Did I hear something that made you uncomfortable, miss?” The lady seemed to be considering her next words carefully before spewing out that really stupid comment. “You’re in America! So when you’re here, you should speak English! Not that Muslim gibberish! My little ones don’t need to be exposed to that!”
Well, I've had the pleasure of knowing a few people who were less than brilliant, and I even had the misfortune of going out with one such individual. But never, ever, have I heard of anyone being so confused as to think that Welsh and Arabic were the same languages! It's almost as if they weren't aware that they were two completely distinct tongues from two completely different cultures. The only connection between them is how incomprehensible they both are to me! It's no surprise, then, that someone who was so quick to take offense at someone speaking another language likely didn't take the time to learn much about other cultures either.
To her, the world was basically the United States - it started with New York and finished with Los Angeles. That's when my stepmom decided to cut the conversation short. "Now, I know that Americans have a reputation for being a bit uncultured," she said, her British accent so thick you could spread it on toast. "But it's not really helping your cause when you act like the epitome of the American stereotype" Karen let out an incredulous gasp. "Oh my goodness! Your accent is so terrible! Where did you even learn to talk like this?!
My stepmom had the least animated look on her face imaginable: "England." I'm pretty sure I could smell the smoke coming from the blazing disaster in Karen's head. She gave us a glance, Charlie and I (two albino-like college students), and then my stepmom (our even fairer chaperone) paused to think over her situation, and then she shuffled away, tugging a bunch of flustered-looking teens with her.
My stepmom had her moments, and I have to give her props for knowing when to quit. After she let out a hearty chuckle and mumbled some Welsh phrase that definitely sounded a bit nasty, she put her sassiness aside and helped us find the local hobby shop on the map. The rest of our day out was splendid, and when we returned home, my dad got an entertaining story about what had gone down. For all those out there who take offense to someone speaking another language: lighten up, guys! Don't be so serious - it's always nice to learn something new.
Oh, Karen! All of us non-Karens out there know that the world definitely doesn't rotate around Karen, no matter how much she wishes it did. But Karen, if you're reading this, it's important to remember that all of us bilingual friends around the world are doing our part to keep our cultures alive. And hey, Karen, next time you attempt to hassle someone for speaking a language other than English, try to at least get the correct continent. That would be a great start!
22. A giggling fit
It was getting close to closing time, and I was taking care of the self-checkout machines while my boss was filling them up with coins and receipt paper. That's when this woman, who was just about 50, rolled up to the checkout with her nearly empty cart. I waited to see if she was actually going to come to the register for service, but nope - she just stayed there.
I finally asked her, "Do you need help?" She said, "No," and kept standing there. Then, she started laughing hysterically in a way that made all of us in the area feel kind of awkward. I kept cleaning, and my manager kept filling up the machines, which were still totally empty of customers. Suddenly, the woman shouted out, to no one in particular, "Do you want to work or not?"
I let out a long breath, put down my cloth and spray bottle, and then my boss stepped in and replied loudly, "She does have work! She's cleaning right now." She motioned for me to keep going. The woman cackled again, this time really snottily, and said, "I want a checkout!" My manager replied, "You had your chance. She asked you if you wanted help. You said no. And now, you're going to have to check yourself out."
The lady started freaking out and demanded to see the manager. My manager shut her down with one sentence: "You're looking at her." The woman sheepishly checked out her items while we both watched her. And then my manager started laughing hysterically, just like the woman had done. It was unbelievably satisfying!
23. Nope, nope, and nope
My partner and I finally pulled the trigger on buying the house next door to my beloved best friend. We had lived together for the last almost decade, and it was like his kids had adopted me as a second parent, popping in and out of my house all day every day. Thankfully, I have a little bit more free time than my bestie and his wife, so I'm the one taking care of the kiddos in the mornings, after school, and on days off. Let's just say I'm like the cool aunt who gets to spoil them rotten and then send them home. It's a win-win!
I was the ultimate 'cool' neighbor - I had a pool in my yard with a fancy retractable cover and a super secure locking system, so the kids couldn't get into it. My friend's yard was like a mini adventure playground - it had a wood fort, climbing wall, swing set, and a huge sandpit. Whenever we got together, we'd fire up the barbeque, crack open a few cold ones and just sit back and watch the kids having a blast! Whether it was swimming, playing, or who knows what else, we were always in for a fun evening!
One sweltering summer day, I returned from the grind of work a tad earlier than usual and began to prepare for a scrumptious dinner. All of a sudden, I heard a knock at the rear entrance, which was quite peculiar since my buddy's children never knock - they just barge right in! So I made my way to the door to investigate, and to my surprise, there was a frazzled mom and her two tykes, who looked to be about 5-7 years old. When I opened the door, she announced that her kids had a pressing need to use the lavatory and also that I needed to come out and take off the lid from my pool. How peculiar!
I was absolutely perplexed and said, "Pardon me. Could you please repeat that?" She replied that her kids had to go to the bathroom and were becoming cranky and bored of playing in the sandbox, so she thought it would be a great idea to let them swim in my pool. I was perplexed yet again and couldn't help but ask, "Why on earth are you in my friend's yard, and why did you think you could let your kids use my pool and bathroom?
She got really sassy and told me that she had just moved into the house behind us and she had been keeping an eye on my best friend's kids visiting us all the time, and also noticed that I was the one who opens the pool for them. She was adamant that since I was willing to open the pool for the kiddos from next door, I should also open it for the kids from behind us. I tried to explain to her the connection between my best pal's family and ours, but she wasn't having any of it! I mean, honestly, what did she think I was, a swimming pool wizard?
She thought it was no big deal that I had been friends with her kids since they were just wee little ones and that I had practically been like a second parent to them. She said if I would just try to get to know her kids, then everything would be alright. I, however, was not having it and firmly shut the door in her face. She continued to harangue me through the window and then, in a fit of frustration, made her kids pee in a flowerpot on the porch! I couldn't believe it!
When I didn't react in time, the Mommy McDrama Queen took her tiny tots back into my pal's yard to play on the swings! I quickly shot off a text message to him to let him know what was going on, at the exact same moment he was letting his two-hundred-and-fifty-five-pound-Newfie-dogs-with-attitude out into the yard without realizing they had uninvited guests. The mom starts screaming and scurries up into the fort, leaving both of her kids stranded on the swings. It was like a scene out of a movie!
She began issuing orders that we should put the puppies inside, and my friend had the audacity to let his four-legged companions out into his own back garden when her children were right there playing! He told her to get lost and then phoned the police. When the police came, she burst into tears, blubbering about how her kids wanted to be pals with my buddy's children, even though they had never even met! It was almost too much to bear!
She said that he lured her over to his house with the promise of having her children play with his adorable dogs, but it turns out it was all a ruse - he actually wanted his furry four-legged friends to bite and bark at them! In the end, they had to physically move her back to her own place, and after that, they came back to tell us that they had warned her about returning. Even after the year she spent living in that house and the subsequent divorce from her husband, she still found a way to be a complete and utter nightmare neighbor. What a whacky story!
That year was truly a wild ride! I had to replace the lock on the pool cover controls so many times that I practically had a subscription to the local locksmith! I even had to call in a fencing company to get rid of a gate in my backyard that was supposed to let the lawnmower through but only served to let in intruders. To top it all off, I had to hire a security company to come and check out my yard whenever we were off gallivanting for more than a few hours! What a year!
Every single day we'd come home to find her and her little ones playing in our yard - but the moment we arrived, she'd hightail it out there. In the end, my partner finally caught her in the swimming pool. She claimed she had permission from the house owner to take a dip, to which my partner replied that he was the house owner's husband and that there was no way she had been given the okay! Upon realizing that she had been exposing her kids to some 'gay water,' she completely freaked out, and we haven't seen the woman since. What is the moral of the story? No one likes a gay pool party crasher!
24. A watery chuckle
I work in a large airport at a small convenience store on one of the busiest concourses, and let me tell you - I hear it all when it comes to our prices! Despite our best efforts to keep our margins as low as possible, we still have to pay our rent as a business, and it’s a whopping $14k a month - no small sum, I tell you!
So, one day I had an older woman come in and set down an expensive brand of water that was priced around $5.15 after tax. Now, I had a feeling that she was going to say something about it, so I braced myself for the inevitable. Sure enough, she did say something - and it completely threw me for a loop! She looked me in the eye and asked, “Wanna know something funny?” I said that I did, though I was skeptical. She then stated, “This same water in another airport is $2.50″
I was so stumped that I just stared at her for a good 10 seconds. Finally, I said, “I think I missed the joke”. To my surprise, she didn't actually laugh. Instead, she proceeded to insult me and then purchased the water before leaving in a huff. All I can say is that that was the best day I’ve had in a while!
25. Meet mega Karen
Today I had the misfortune of running into a 'Mega Karen,' and even though my day was totally thrown off track, I'm still kind of amused by the whole debacle. Let me explain; I work in an office building with about thirty-odd companies and, due to the peculiar layout of the building, there are a grand total of six parking lots. I prefer using the 'secret' lot that you can only access by driving through one of the internal lots. Now, as luck would have it, the 'Mega Karen' had decided to take a wrong turn and ended up in this 'hidden' lot - and she was NOT happy about it! She proceeded to make a huge fuss, complaining that she had no idea how she'd ended up there and demanding to know who she should speak to in order to get out! It was pretty comical, and although I felt a bit sorry for her, I was also secretly grateful that it wasn't me in her situation!
I was on my way to the office this morning, and boy, was it raining cats and dogs! I usually like to park in this particular lot because it's usually less crowded than the ones closer to the road, plus the door to the building is really close to my office, so it's really convenient for me. The only problem is that it's really hard to find, and there are always tons of those "Compact" spots, so it's like a game of hide and seek when I'm looking for a place to park!
As I pulled up to my usual spot, I was surprised to see it was completely packed! Just as I was about to drive off in despair, someone pulled out of a prime spot right in front of me, making my walk through the pouring rain much shorter. I exchanged polite nods with the fellow leaving, then I hurriedly parked my car and grabbed my laptop bag from the back. Right as I was about to head to the door, I heard a faint honking noise in the distance, making me wonder if the departing driver had decided to honk goodbye!
I had no idea what was going on, so when I spun around to head into the building, I was surprised to see this over-the-top mommy in a massive SUV roll up, skidding to a stop right in front of me and splashing me with a bit of the puddle. She then had the nerve to say, "That spot wasn't for you!" I was like, "Um, excuse me?" But she quickly followed it up with, "That parking spot! I was waiting for it, and you took it from me!" Talk about entitled! It was like she thought the whole lot was her personal parking space!
Me (now really ticked): "Where were you EXPECTING to find this spot?? The grocery store??" Her: "NO! I've been scouring the lot for twenty whole minutes, and when one finally opened up, I wanted to make sure I got it!". At this point, I take a look around and notice the ENTIRE line of vacant parking spots she had overlooked to come and give me a hard time about taking "her" parking spot.
I just had to do a double-take here. I, the ever-courteous human being, am trying to be understanding of the situation and the fact that the claim that she's making – that whoever arrived first gets the parking spot – is not, and never has been, a real rule of etiquette. I, feeling a bit perplexed and curious, gestured at the open spots around us and said, "There are plenty of spaces over there that were open before I even got here. Take your pick!" But no, she had her heart set on THAT spot, and she demanded that I move, RIGHT NOW. I couldn't help but ask why on earth she was so adamant about THIS spot.
She (flailing her arms around in dramatic fashion): "I must protect my precious bundle of joy from walking a mere 50 feet in the rain!" I peeked into the back seat, and there was a child who was clearly approaching the age of a preteen. Me: "Ummm...that's not a baby. He's probably old enough to walk the distance, and besides, your car won't fit into this teeny tiny space!" Kid: "What's up?" Me: "I don't think your car will fit in this COMPACT spot, my friend.
I dramatically move my arm and pointed to the six-inch tall letters that were more minuscule than usual. Me: “But if you would like to venture around the other side of the building, there’s a lot that doesn’t have all those cramped spaces.” Her: “Whatever, now will you MOVE already? Your rotund figure should use all the exercise it can get”. Me: (already grumpy as I hadn’t consumed anything yet, now furious that this simian with a dash of lipstick is speaking to me this way): “No, I’m definitely not vacating this area for such a gargantuan witch. Have a great time trekking outside in the rain, I wish you get zapped by a bolt of lightning”.
As I hastily scuttled away from this delightful display of humaneness, with the sound of the colorful expletives still ringing in my ears, I decided it was best for my well-being to make a swift exit. But alas, 15 minutes later, I was sitting at my desk feeling profoundly guilty for wishing that the woman would be hit by lightning - even though the rainstorm had no lightning in sight! I was so consumed by my guilt, it took a full five minutes for the blaring of a car alarm to distract me. Glancing out the window, I could scarcely believe my eyes! It seemed that my wish had been granted - the woman was now standing outside, looking a little bit singed and dazed... I guess lightning does strike twice!
This woman had thought she was slick, parking up and getting out of her car, ready to key the bejeezus out of my ride. But her kid was there to capture the whole thing on his phone as if it was some kind of sick home movie. I must have been in a superhero mood that day because I whipped out my phone and snapped a picture of them in the act. Then I called building security so fast it almost made my head spin, and what do you know? They managed to apprehend the lady for her criminal act of property destruction and assault! I was so proud of myself - I mean, I'm no Batman, but I definitely felt like a hero that day.
Oh boy, let me tell you, this woman was not getting away with it! Not only did she spit on and scratch the security guard like a wild animal, but it was all caught on camera - so there was no way she was getting away with it. But wait, it gets worse. Not only did the security cameras catch her and her kid and her car (license plate and all), but she even had the nerve to etch a homophobic insult into my car door. So, for all of this, she may just get charged with assault AND a hate crime! Wow.
26. Like money in your pocket
Ah, the memories of my days at Kohls's. I had one customer come to me at the service desk with her receipt, claiming that the cashier hadn't taken off her 30% coupon. This was usually a simple enough fix, but when I looked at her receipt, I saw that the total was $0.00. She had already used her Kohl's cash to pay for the whole thing. I explained to her that the system takes the dollar off coupons first and then, afterward, it will take the percentage off. No matter the order in which you scan them, that's just how it works. Since her Kohl's cash had already taken care of the total, I had to tell her that the system couldn't take 30% off of $0.00.
Well, she wasn't too thrilled about that. She started screaming and shouting at me, accusing me of stealing her money. I tried to explain to her that Kohl's cash was just a coupon, not actual money, but she wouldn't have any of it. She then declared that she would never shop at Kohl's again, and she threw her 30% coupon at me before storming off. I guess that's one way to make an exit.
27. Mommy’s little monster
At the time when the story happened, I was playing on a Minecraft server with five of my friends. Suddenly, a new kid joined our game and the Skype call we were having. He kept destroying our builds and asking us for items. We were originally planning to ban him, but for fun, we just kept killing him instead. The Skype call was basically us six guys laughing and this little kid screaming and accusing us of being hackers.
When his mother called, she shouted, “LET MY SON PLAY ON THE SERVER, YOU UNGRATEFUL JERKS!” We all replied “No” in unison. She then threatened us, saying, “MY HUSBAND IS A LAWYER, AND HE WILL SUE YOU, AND I WILL CALL THE AUTHORITIES FOR HARASSMENT!” One of us replied, “Shut up, lady!” She then continued, “DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! MY SON DESERVES ALL YOUR ITEMS MORE THAN ALL OF YOU COMBINED!”
Someone then said, “Screw off, woman!” She responded, “YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SWEAR! ONLY ADULTS ARE ALLOWED TO USE THAT KIND OF LANGUAGE!” One of us then made a Christian Minecraft server meme, which made her even angrier. She exclaimed, “HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY RELIGION! ALRIGHT. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?” We then started coming up with fake addresses. Finally, she shouted, “THAT’S IT! I’M LEAVING!” to which one of us replied, “About time.” She then blocked us, and we still joke about that incident to this day.
28. Listening in
I've been toiling away in the aisles of a supermarket during the COVID pandemic - and it's been quite the adventure! Little did I know my journey was about to take an unexpected turn. You see, it recently came to my attention that I had suffered permanent hearing damage and loss due to an illness I had a few months ago. And so, I'm now in the preliminary stages of seeking an audiologist's help. But it's been wonderful to know that my employer has been so supportive and understanding. They've gone above and beyond to ensure that I can continue to work in the same roles with the same level of assurance. What a bunch of stars!
One fateful day, a customer came to the checkout counter with a peculiar misunderstanding of the offer we had going on. She wanted to get the discount but refused to accept one of the items necessary to get the discount. It was like she didn't comprehend that I had to scan each item, thus making her pay for the extra item in order to receive her discount. It was truly a funny scene to witness!
Ah, the joys of customer service! After I processed the transaction, the customer became rather heated - I'd never seen such a fuss about some frozen peas! She was speaking so quickly that I could barely understand her, and then she started to badmouth my colleagues and me. I thought to myself, 'Wow, I didn't realize working here required me to be an expert on all the offers in the store!' She even attempted to snatch the item out of my hands - I was very confused, to say the least! I never knew a bag of frozen peas could cause so much drama!
She had the audacity to say that the staff members didn't know anything, as if I was the one who should get the axe because of her wrong interpretation of the offer. This made me comprehend why she was so angry - obviously, she was trying to get back at me! So, I figured I'd get one of my colleagues to come over to the tills and help her out, just to show her that I wasn't afraid of her threats and that I was willing to go the extra mile for our customers. Ha, take that!
She was clearly not in the mood to talk to me, and it was obvious that a sensible discussion was not going to happen. Fortunately, my colleague stepped in, and I started tending to the other customers in line. But that didn't stop this woman from rambling on and on about how I was a "worthless" and "hopeless" employee. She kept insisting that I had not been paying attention to her, even though I had given her my undivided attention! I mean, that's just unbelievable, don't you think?
The woman's constant harping on my "not listening" really grated my nerves. After dealing with all kinds of sickness during the past seven months, the LAST thing I wanted to hear was that I was going deaf! It was permanent, and there was no remedy that would cure it like my previous health issues - no matter how much I wished it was otherwise! I mean, honestly, what was I supposed to do, start waving my hands around to try and make it go away?!
I was really struggling with the tills due to my hearing loss, and although I was trying my best to not let it bother me, this one woman's angry rant about my work was the last straw. Before I knew it, I was bawling like a baby in the middle of a transaction, all because of something I had absolutely no control over! Talk about an embarrassing moment…
Somehow, I was able to convince everyone that my uncontrollable laughter was actually just hay fever. I'm pretty sure no one bought it, but eventually, the customer figured out that she was wrong, and she made an about-face so fast it was like she had rocket boosters in her shoes. She didn't even have the decency to apologize to any of my co-workers or to the other customers in the store. I mean, talk about a social gaffe! I think we were all secretly laughing at her behind her back, though, so I guess that counts as an apology.
I had been wavering over whether or not I should purchase a lanyard that screamed, "I have a hearing impairment!!!" but I hadn't gotten to the point yet where I had done any in-depth testing of my ears. But this situation definitely convinced me that I had to get one of those lanyards ASAP - and no, I'm not talking about the one with the cute llamas on it!
No matter how much my hearing may be impaired, there's no excuse for such deplorable and insulting behavior! I mean, it was over a bag of frozen peas! I mean, seriously, who gets so heated over peas? If she had no use for them, we had an excellent food bank to which they could be donated. I mean, it was the most outrageous reaction I have ever witnessed in my life, and all over a puny bag of peas! Honestly, what's the world coming to?
29. Age before beauty
Yesterday afternoon, I set off on an incredibly long journey to visit some of my friends. The trip was a whopping nine hours, traveled over a whopping 450 miles! I was lucky enough to have a reserved seat for the entire ride and even luckier that the seat next to me kept changing from being reserved for a few hours to being completely empty - it was like it was just waiting for me to take a nap! All in all, it was a tiring but fun adventure!
At around the sixth hour of my tiresome voyage, the train was becoming quite crowded, with families heading back from a day of fun. As the next station approached, the person sat next to me shuffled off, and a woman hopped on, who had an air of superiority and seemed to think that the ragtag group of students (such as myself!) and families with their adorable children were beneath her. To make matters even more interesting, she was accompanied by a woman who looked to be around my age. I couldn’t help but think of the irony of it all – the woman was probably filled with disdain for all of us on the train, yet she was traveling with someone who was practically one of us!
The two ladies were scurrying around the train carriage in search of a place to sit. The older one spotted the spot next to me and, like a bee on a mission, flew right over and pulled the other woman after her. She then addressed me with a friendly greeting: "Hi there! I do believe this seat belongs to my daughter, does it not?" To which I replied with a mischievous smirk, "Oh, really? I'm pretty sure this is the seat I reserved, or at least that's what it said on display up top. So if your daughter wants it, she'll have to fight me for it!
The older woman was adamant that I should move, despite the fact that the screen still said the seat was taken. I wasn't budging though, as I had a feeling this woman and her daughter were just bluffing. I suggested that she could take the seat next to me, but her daughter piped up with a sassy comment. "Why can't you just move? We're probably traveling further than you anyway!" I had to stop myself from laughing out loud. What a cheeky comment! I had to give her points for her boldness, but I wasn't about to give up my seat.
Me [trying to keep a straight face]: I'm sorry ma'am, but I'm just not budging! Older Woman [increasing the volume to get the attention of onlookers]: Can you believe this young whippersnapper won't even have the decency to let a poor old woman sit next to her own flesh and blood?! She can't just go and sit on her own, now can she?! Me [to the daughter]: Excuse me, but how long have you been legally allowed to drink alcohol in this country? Daughter [smirking]: Well, I'm 23 so that's probably longer than it's been legal for you to drink, so yeah, you should probably do what I say.
I'm 21 and look at it. Me: *In a playful yet slightly mocking tone* Hey, seriously? I'm not budging an inch from this spot; your 'child' is actually 23 and doesn't need your extra protection. That's when the older woman lost it and started shouting at the staff. She proclaimed that she wouldn't be spoken to like that by a 'kid.'
With that, the mother and 'child' scurried out of the carriage. Luckily, no one from the staff or anyone else heard the exchange. But the little old lady sitting opposite me had the best reaction ever. She said with a mischievous smile that if anyone had spoken to her like that, she would've sworn like a sailor!
The cherry on top of the sundae was when the train pulled into the station a half hour later, and I observed those two scoundrels creeping off the carriage and slinking down the platform. I had to restrain myself from giving them a jaunty little wave as they passed me by!
30. A short wick
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of meeting an elderly woman who, despite being in her 80s, still had all her faculties intact. She was looking for a small gift for a man who had done some work at her building, so I suggested our line of skincare and bath products for men. However, she scoffed at the idea, claiming it would be too 'weird.' Now, seeing as I work in a candle store, I thought it would be appropriate to suggest a candle as an alternative. Little did I know that this suggestion would set off a series of events that would leave me fuming!
The woman became angry and exclaimed, "I can't give him a candle. He's not gay!" I had to bite my tongue to prevent myself from telling her that we have plenty of male customers, including my straight boyfriend, who loves our candles. She then went on to reiterate her point: "That's good for him, but I can't give the man a candle because he's not gay!" At this point, I simply couldn't take it anymore, so I walked away and left my manager to deal with her. As it turns out, the woman ended up buying a notebook with the words "Slay the day" on it. What a perfect way to end such a ridiculous encounter!
31. It’s the little things
Today, my beloved husband and I were feeling sooo bored that we decided to do something adventurous and make a pilgrimage to a very fancy "Coffee Bar" situated in our neighborhood. We had been talking about visiting this place for months but had been procrastinating. We entered the parking lot of the bar, and it was jam-packed! It was 10:45 am on a Sunday, so we were expecting this. As I was getting out of our vehicle, I noticed that the mombie (mom-zombie) in the car next to us was desperately trying to get her three kids out of the car seat while her husband (or was it her boyfriend?!) was just standing at the front of the car, not even bothering to lend a helping hand. Ah, the joys of parenthood!
I eagerly hopped out of the car and apologetically excused myself as I walked with my beloved husband into the overcrowded café. To our dismay, two more people filtered in behind us, followed by a miserable mombie and her enormous family. She instantly began to express her dissatisfaction about the lengthy line, first by loudly grumbling to her husband - who, unfortunately, wasn't interested in listening to her complaints - and then she started to complain to no one in particular. “Why does this line have to be so long? Heavens above, don't they have enough employees? Why does everyone always have to arrive at the same time? GAAAAH!” she screeched, clearly frustrated.
All of a sudden, this poor woman, who was seemingly losing the will to live after a long wait in the queue, mustered up the courage to ask the couple in front of her if her kids could cut the line and get ahead of them. Bless these kind souls, they begrudgingly agreed, and so this poor family was now behind my husband and me. Then she turned to me and sweetly asked--with a pleading look in her eyes--“Pardon me, miss? Please, can we have the spot ahead of you in line? My poor children have been waiting forever, and they are absolutely famished!”
With the most obnoxious and high-pitched voice I could muster, I said, “I'm sor-ry maaa’am, we’ve been waiting a while too and are also HUNGRY! The line is finally mov-ing faster now, at least, right?!” I flashed the biggest, cheesiest grin I could, even though she was giving me the stink-eye. I spun back around, only to hear her mumble, “Wow, what a witch. Can you BELIEVE some people? How RUDE”. I had to dig my nails into my palms to keep from responding.
My beloved husband is a master of avoiding any and all types of conflict - and I, on the other hand, am quite the opposite. But I'm considerate enough to not cause any drama when we're out and about together.
However, as we were walking around recently, my darling wife began to complain about the lack of availability of her favorite Mediterranean Spinach Breakfast sandwich. She threatened that she'd be really mad if she didn't get it this time. And that's when I had a brilliant, nefarious plan!
I am unashamedly a slow orderer. I nonchalantly glance at my watch; it's 10:55. Before I know it, a few seconds pass by and it's our turn. My husband, the decisive one, orders his Soy Chai without any hesitation. But then comes my turn - I take my sweet time ordering my vanilla nitro cold brew with soy and an extra pump of vanilla. I am pretty sure the barista is already rolling her eyes at me. Finally, when the barista is on the brink of giving up on me, I check the time on my watch. It's 10:58, and I remember that I wanted to add a Mediterranean Spinach Breakfast Sandwich to the order. As I said, I am a slow orderer.
She says sure, no problem. I'm like, "Great; I can finally get my hands on some food." I start digging in my purse for my wallet but can't seem to find it. After a few moments of frantic rummaging, I finally spot it and let out a sigh of relief. I take out my card and hand it to her, waiting for the receipt with bated breath. Once I get it, I slowly sign it, not wanting to be too hasty. I pack my purse back up and say thank you to the cashier before walking away. My husband looks at me and says, “You’re hungry? We ate breakfast an hour ago”. I just smile and reply, “No, I’m not hungry. I just had to do this”.
Him: "Do what?" I asked with a cheeky smile, gesturing toward mombie. The husband looked over with a perplexed expression - it was clear he wasn't following the conversation. She ordered her coffee and some juice things for the kids without even asking if her husband wanted anything. Then it happened. “And one Mediterranean Spinach Breakfast Sandwich”. Barista: “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, we stopped serving breakfast at 11. We have all our lunch options today though”. Husband glanced back to me, arching his eyebrows as if to say, 'Did she really just do that?!' I couldn't help but chuckle - it was a classic mombie move!
Mombie glared at her watch and screamed, “WHAT? YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME?!? IT’S 11:02!” The poor barista stuttered “I'm sorry, ma'am, and company policy is to stop serving breakfast at 11. Is there anything else I can help you with?” Mombie fumed, “GET ME YOUR MANAGER! THIS IS IN-FREAKING-SANITY. YOU JUST SOLD ONE MOMENT AGO! THIS IS BEYOND ABSURD!” The manager came over, tried to explain the situation, and apologized a thousand times, but still refused to give that angry mama a sandwich, bless her heart.
Mombie flew into a rage, her face turning a deep shade of crimson, and began to shout loudly as she retreated from the store. My husband desperately tried to stifle his amusement. We collected our order and returned to the car. As I was in the process of unwrapping my sandwich, I attempted to squeeze past Mombie, who was once again trying to buckle her kids into their car seats. I jokingly exclaimed, “Oh, pardon me, ma’am, just trying to slither by!”
She's glowering at us, the most terrifyingly intense scowl I've ever seen. I quickly jump into the car and tentatively wind down the windows just a little bit. It's boiling out here today, right? I take my sweet time unwrapping the sandwich and take a few bites, passing it back and forth between my husband and myself while she's losing it and trying to wrangle her kids and getting no assistance from Daddy. As soon as she sped away, we both burst into a fit of raucous cackles! Today was a splendid day indeed.
32. Sole cost
No longer working retail, I used to work at extremely discounted stores, kinda as Marshalls, TJ Maxx, and so on. A few nights before my last day, this lady came to my register with a pair of Michael Kors baby shoes, asking how much they cost. When I told her the price—$27—she flipped out! "That can't be right," she exclaimed. Trying to stay calm, I told her, "They are $27, ma'am. Do you still want them?" To which she replied, "I want them but not for that price. I'm assuming she wanted a discount, so I had to set her straight, saying, "I'm sorry, ma'am, we don't do discounts. We're already an extremely discounted store."
She was in disbelief, saying, "$27 for baby shoes? That's crazy!" Thinking she no longer wanted them, I offered to put them back. She angrily cut me off, "Uh, hello? I said I wanted them!" So I conceded but also firmly repeated, "OK ma'am. They're still going to be $27, though."
Still not believing me, she asked me to check again. So, I flipped the computer screen around and showed her the price. Now she had no choice but to accept she was wrong, so she snapped and told me to get my manager. The said manager came, confirmed the price, then left.
But then Karen says, "I just don't understand why they are so much?" I tried to explain, "Well, these are Michael Kors, one of the more expensive brands we carry here. If you were to buy these anywhere else, then they'd be at least $100. You're actually getting a pretty good deal."
She still wouldn't budge, so she threatened me with, "I just don't believe you. That's not the real price. And you should know, I work for the Attorney General, and it would be a shame if you lost your job because you're making up prices." Keeping my cool, I replied, "There's no benefit for me to lying to you." Finally, she quieted down.
What was this lady thinking? Consider this, lady. I get paid $9 an hour to scan items. What makes you think I make a commission? If you want Michael Kors goods, then you have to pay Michael Kors prices, even though this was already a bargain!
33. Sweet and soured
Ah, yes, I remember the fateful day at the Lidl quite clearly. It was December of last year, and I had just turned 17. My Mom asked me to go on a grocery shopping mission, and being the dutiful son I am, I obliged. After all, it wasn't like I had anything better to do.
So there I was, wandering around the aisles of the Lidl, looking for the items on the shopping list. After about 10 minutes, I decided to treat myself and grabbed a bar of Fin Carré chocolate.
Little did I know I was about to embark on a journey. As I made my way to the checkout, I was minding my own business, scrolling through my phone - when I heard a loud, boisterous voice behind me. It was a mother with her hyperactive kid, who looked to be around 8.
"You wouldn't mind letting us go in front of you, would you?" the mother asked. I glanced at her shopping cart, which was more full than mine - but I thought, why not? "Sure," I replied, barely managing to keep a straight face.
The woman thanked me, and they went to the front of the line. And as they were doing so, the kid pointed at my shopping cart and exclaimed, "Mom, look! It's that chocolate that you promised me to buy next time we go shopping!"
My jaw dropped. I couldn't believe it. The woman had basically just cut the line and was using me to get the chocolate that she had promised her kid. Unbelievable. But hey, I guess some things are just meant to be.
I was standing there, minding my own business when this woman abruptly came up to me and said, “May I grab the chocolate bar? The little one’s been eager to get it”. I knew this chocolate bar was far away from the tills, so I thought to myself, 'Ugh, this is gonna be a chore.' I replied, “I’m sorry, I don’t think I can give you the chocolate; it’s quite a long way from the tills.”
Her smile quickly turned into a glare, and she shouted, “Listen, I don’t care how far this chocolate is; someone like you should be able to get a new bar and stop making George cross!” I was like, 'Woah there, lady! Just because I'm capable of getting a new bar doesn't mean I'm gonna do it. I said, “I don’t care how capable I am, I’m not going anywhere, and this chocolate is staying in the cart.”
The little one was reaching inside my cart, trying to steal the chocolate, so I quickly grabbed the chocolate myself. The kid yelled, “Mom, the guy took the chocolate!” The mom was like, “Oh no, I've had enough of this!” She was about to snatch the chocolate from my hands, but I swiftly moved away and went directly to the cashier. I asked him to call a manager, and after a few moments, the manager showed up and told the mom to leave. She kept trying to get me into trouble, but luckily, she eventually paid for the groceries and left. The cashier, the manager, and I all shared a good laugh after she left.
I look back on that moment now and think, 'That was so not worth a chocolate bar!' But hey, I guess that's life, right?
34. On the edge
Queen Karen demanded that I summon a manager today so she could complain about the lack of pricing on some items and the abundance of pricing on others. She then proceeded to interrogate me about the store's pricing protocol, despite the fact that I was on SCO duty. Knowing that I had never seen her in the store before, I fibbed and told her I had nothing to do with stocking.
The manager eventually arrived, and Queen Karen began her royal rant. After a few moments of her regal rambling, she added a wild gesture to her complaints, proclaiming that the counter edges were too rough and sharp. She even went so far as to say that she was lucky she didn't injure herself, or she would have called the health board. Although I can assure you, Your Majesty, I wipe that counter down at least 200 times every day.
Oh, I can guarantee you that there was nothing remotely hazardous about it - if there had been, I would have been the first one to let out a shriek of horror! The folks I work with have been thoroughly schooled on the consequences of any sharp edges on our carts - it would be a total disaster, what with this topsy-turvy, litigious world we live in nowadays.
My boss handled it all calmly and professionally, but my coworkers and I couldn't help but snicker at the whole situation. They were going on and on about how a particular hue or design could have had deadly consequences. It was all a bit ridiculous if you ask me!
35. Too hot to handle
So I was in line at the checkout in my local supermarket, and it was absolutely RIDICULOUS outside! It was so hot. I felt like I was in an oven! I had about ten items, some frozen stuff, drinks, and snacks. As usual, I took out one of the buds of my earphones in case someone said something to me, 'cause let's face it, I'm a bit deaf. Anyway, the woman at the cash register was dealing with the payment of one customer, and I was just standing there like a lemon, waiting for my turn.
Well, there I was, standing in line, minding my own business and trying to stay relatively patient. Then, out of nowhere, SHE appeared - the dreaded entitled mother. Now, I'm not gonna lie. She didn't look like one. She wasn't even giving off an 'I'm better than you' vibe or anything. Even the way she started speaking to me was polite and pleasant at first. She said something along the lines of "Excuse me, do you mind if I cut ahead? I'm kinda in a rush". In general, when someone asks nicely, and I don't have anything pressing to do, I don't mind. But little did I know that I was about to deal with the mother from hell!
This time, I didn't have much to buy, so I figured I'd be in and out of the store in a jiffy. But as I was minding my own business, I noticed an elderly woman struggling with a cart full of groceries. I thought I'd be a gentleman and offer her to skip ahead of me in the checkout line, but unfortunately, I just couldn't do it! After all, if I had let her go first, I'd still be in the store for another 10-20 minutes! So, I kindly declined and promised I'd check out as soon as possible. Naturally, this did not go over well with the old lady. She was so furious with me; you'd think I had just stolen her bag of chips! I guess I should have known that denying a senior their right to be first in line was a no-no.
The woman was shrieking and hollering at me like she was in an actual race and had to get back to her house as soon as possible to watch her beloved soap operas. Ha, little did she know that this was going to be very important in the future. Anyway, while she was having her rant, the cashier decided to just go into a trance and started scanning my groceries while I was packing them in a bag. All the while, she was ranting on and on about how I should be thrown out of the store for being a good-for-nothing. How ridiculous!
This should have been the grand finale, but then she had to go and ruin it by saying something that made me want to literally strangle her. I had already started walking away, just about to put my earbud back in, when she screams, “If you see my car, please tell my son he's the reason why he has to wait for me for another thirty minutes!” I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but at that particular moment, my mind put the puzzle pieces together in record time.
What dawned upon me is this: Firstly, it was sweltering out there! Secondly, it was quite obvious that this lady had been doing her shopping for quite a while, judging by the number of groceries she had in her cart. Thirdly, the entire parking lot of the store was practically exposed to the harsh sun. Lastly, it was around two o’clock, so the sun was at its strongest. Without much ado, I sprinted outside and started scurrying past the cars, searching for any children who might be inside them.
I was strolling down the street and thank goodness, I stumbled across a car with a kiddo in the backseat. This child was as pasty as a phantom, sweat dripping like Niagara Falls, and looked like he was on the brink of passing out. So I scurried back inside, and - lo and behold - the wicked witch was chatting away to the cashier while she was paying for her groceries! I speedily grabbed her by the shoulders, spun her around, and screamed right in her face that her poor little munchkin was almost dead in the car!
At first, she gawked at me in sheer bewilderment, as if she had never encountered such an outlandish character as myself. Then it dawned on her what I was saying, and she scurried away so quickly that I'm sure the wind she created knocked over a few trees in her wake. As she flew out the door, a bloke tapped me on the shoulder and enquired as to what had just transpired. I gave him a brief synopsis, yet I omitted some of the particulars, simply informing him that I had noticed the child in the automobile and guessed that the woman before me was the parent.
He meandered out of the store, and when I followed him out, the mother flew at me and got right up in my grill, bellowing that I was the cause of her lengthy stay in the shop and that her son's current state of affairs was all on me. Before I even had the chance to open my mouth and reply, the guy who had accosted me earlier decided to pipe up. As it turned out, the chap was an off-duty cop who had been lollygagging around the store for a while. Talk about a sticky situation!
As a result of my innocent delay, he knew it wasn't my fault that this unfortunate incident had occurred. He had already made the necessary calls to get help for the kid and the authorities for the woman. It was a truly devastating sight. She was completely in shock and just sat there on the ground, shaking her head, and repeatedly saying "not my fault" between her sobs. What ultimately happened to her? I guess we'll never know, but it goes to show that life can take an unexpected turn at any moment.
My story has a happy ending - or, at least, as happy as it could be. Fortunately, most parties involved were okay in the end. I had to stick around to give a statement, just in case any legal matters were brought up. Thankfully, the kid was unharmed, and once his mother was detained, they were able to call his dad or another male relative to take him to the hospital. As for the mom, I'm sure she'll be facing court proceedings for putting her child in danger. I'm sure it'll be a long and arduous process, but hey, at least it all ended up all right!
36. Peeping polly
I usually sleep in my skivvies during summer because it can get toasty in my crib, and I also have curtains in my windows. So one day, I wake up and think to myself, "Self, let's make a bowl of cereal 'cause we're the only one here!" I start walking towards the kitchen; then I hear a knock on the door. I'm still wearing my tighty-whities, so I quickly get some shorts on. I open the door, and what do I see? An uppity mom and her daughter.
Mother: HOW DARE YOU STROLL AROUND IN YOUR UNDERWEAR?! Me: Uh....it's my house, and I had the window covered up? Mother: MY KID GOT SNOOPY AND LOOKED THROUGH YOUR WINDOW AND SAW YOU IN YOUR UNDERWEAR. Me (wide-eyed and confused): Well, this is my humble abode, and I can be as bare as I want. And with that, I shut the door in their faces as fast as I could.
37. Make way
Ah, Tuesdays...the day where I get to prove my worth and show off my skills at my job as a Grocery Store Chain technician. AKA, my job title for 'Specials Day.' Let me tell you, it is a tedious and tiresome task that I have the honor of doing. I mean, changing out last week's special with the current week's? Talk about a time-consuming job! But, I guess that's the price you have to pay when you volunteer for promotion and like doing projects that other people don't.
That fateful day, I was moseying about the specials aisle, doing my thing. But the whole experience was getting increasingly infuriating - if only they'd let me do it when the store was empty, it would be done in a third of the time! I guess it was because they wanted the customers to have a 'special' experience of being watched as I struggled to manage ten pallets of random, who-knows-what. Honestly, baffling!
I was nearing the completion of my ninth pallet, and I had essentially backed myself into a corner of the aisle. This was practically a warning to the customers, shouting out: "Hey, you'd better not come this way! If you do, I'll have to move my pallet and reposition myself - and it won't be fun." But, as luck would have it, trouble was on the horizon. A lady came walking down the aisle straight toward me. Ugh!
Ha ha ha! I'm quite chill, but I tend to keep quiet when I'm at work since the store I'm at is situated in a swanky neighborhood and the wealthy patrons don't take too kindly to being addressed by a rather perspiring fellow in a uniform. So when I saw her heading my way, I knew she was going to try and walk around the pallet - or, heaven forbid, walk on it!
I scurried about like a hyperactive squirrel, swiftly shifting my jack and the pallet out of the way before glancing up to the heavens with a deep sigh. I mean, really, what was the big guy thinking when he created the species of 'oblivious customers'? My questioning gaze must have been the final straw for her as she took her first steps into the suddenly clutter-free area, feebly muttering a half-hearted apology in that unique way that only customers of her kind could manage.
But her apology sounded more like a royal decree as if she were commanding me to accept her apology. As I nodded my head, pretending to accept it, I thought to myself, "Oh, I am sorry wage person. Is it really too much to ask that you give me a friendly smile and a 'thank you' for moving my jack and pallet so that you could save a mere 15 steps?" I mean, seriously! She didn't even offer to help me move my stuff back! So, I guess I should just be thankful that she managed to mutter an apology, however insincere it may have been.
Between not accepting her apology and looking up at the ceiling for a grand total of three milliseconds, she came to the genius conclusion that I was a menace and clearly in dire need of a good talking to. She began with the usual chiding, scolding me for being a retail worker who didn't have a goofy, toothy grin plastered all over my face the entire day. And, in an effort to really drive the point home, she ended with the classic line that always gets my blood boiling: “I do not think you should be working here if that is going to be your attitude.” How dare she?!
She stared at me with eyes that said, “You're nothing more than an animal in a cage - and I'm the zookeeper." But I said nothing and simply kept on working – after all, what's the worst that could happen if I didn't make her happy? I mean, I can't please everyone, right? Then, she took her place in the checkout line, which was conveniently located a mere 10 feet away from where I was working. And that's when the drama began - she was convinced I had blocked her path. Oh, someone alert the authorities - we have a villain on the loose!
She straight up marched up to me, all huffy and puffy, and started making a scene about how I should be kicked outta the store. Honestly, I should have just stood there, letting her vent and fume to her heart's content. Maybe I would've gotten a call or a strongly-worded email from corporate, which wouldn't have been the end of the world. Instead of getting riled up, I shoulda just flashed her a big ol' grin and kept on trucking. But, you know, hindsight is 20/20.
But there was an inner voice in me that was screaming for her to understand that screaming at customers about how awful I am was not how we conducted business at our store. So, I calmly but firmly informed her that she needed to stop creating a commotion. And when I say something 'flipped' inside this woman, it was like somebody flicked a switch! All of a sudden, her phone was recording me, and the situation became a lot more treacherous.
She was grilling me with queries like, "What makes you think you can tell me who I can and can't chat with?" and "Do you honestly think you can go against my US Constitutional rights?" and "Who are you, the boss around here?" What do you do when someone gets out their phone and starts recording you? You can choose to strut away, potentially with someone tailing you, or you can kindly request them to put their phone away.
Well, if you're looking for a good time, then you can be a fool like me and be bold enough to ask them to quit capturing your every move. Needless to say, this resulted in her yelling louder and calling me a terrible person. She then went on to threaten me, saying that she had the power to have me fired if she wanted. All I was hoping for at that moment was for her to just go away!
She had really stepped in it this time, trying to become the next big YouTube sensation by recording the whole fiasco, and it was obvious that she was just trying to get a video of me flipping out. But thankfully, I kept my cool and didn't show a single sign of my simmering rage. I simply stood there, patiently letting her holler and shout. After she finished throwing her temper tantrum, I asked her once more to take a hike if she was intent on putting on a show.
This resulted in her perching behind the cashiers and awkwardly wedging herself between the doors, evidently waiting for me to toddle off so she could make her escape. I kindly informed her that it was imperative that I witness her departure. She replied that she wouldn't budge until I was out of her line of sight. I held my stance and told her that she had to scram or else I would be obliged to dial the police.
Oh, Lord, have mercy! When she heard the suggestion that this issue might need to be taken to a higher authority, the typical human response would be to take a step back and think twice. But, for reasons that only the Almighty in His wisdom can understand, this customer's response was, "Fantastic! Let's call them and get them over here!" We can only guess what was going through her mind.
So, here's the thing. I was totally bluffing about calling them. I mean, really, what was I supposed to say? "Hey, there's a lady here who's hollering at me and taping me?!", like, that would have been a total disaster - I mean, who knows, maybe she would've ended up getting me on the news or something! But, as it turns out, I was caught in a lie and had to put my tail between my legs and head into the office to call my boss. Talk about an embarrassing situation!
I marched back to the registers with a heavy heart, knowing I had to face the music. I had to come up with some way to de-escalate the situation, and fast! I mean, I'd already been yelled at; what more harm could an apology do? So, I did the unthinkable: I said to her, "I'm so, so sorry you had a less-than-ideal experience here today. Please, please come back and give us another chance! I get what went wrong, and I'm more than willing to provide our corporate's information if that helps. Here's hoping you have a much better day! *rubs hands together and nudges her towards the door*
She kinda grudgingly accepted my apology. Even though she kept on haranguing me about what a lousy job I was doing, at least she cooled off a bit...until she mentioned she was a "detective". Without any uniform or badge to prove it, I had to ask the obvious and sensible question. Man, I must be brave (or stupid) to be interrogating a self-proclaimed "investigator"!
I was like, "What on Earth do you mean, an investigator for who?!" to which she replied, "Oh come on, don't act like you don't know! You know exactly what kind of investigator I'm talking about!" Then, she went on to threaten that she was gonna call up corporate and tell them I was harassing her 'cos she was an immigrant, which was hilarious considering I'm an immigrant as well! She finished by warning me that I should expect to be unemployed in the next 24 hours. Talk about a harsh punishment!
I just sat there, quivering in fear, as the she-devil screamed at me. I was petrified, I tell ya! I had no other choice, really; I mean, what else could I have done? Let her carry on her screeching until she'd had her fill and then leave? That was the only answer. As she finally spun around to leave, she noticed that I was still there, watching her. And so, she came back and said that I couldn't be allowed to watch her walk away because I “might attack” her outside! Can you believe it? What did she think I was, a bear?!
I was speechless after she said that. I mean, she had the audacity to threaten me! As if that wasn't enough, she had the nerve to say that she had the "means to retaliate" in her car! And that she would be GLAD to use it if I stepped out. After she finally left, I was so overwhelmed with frustration that I called my boss, bawling my eyes out and telling her about the whole ordeal. My boss assured me that the lady was just a few fries short of a happy meal and that she, my boss, would have my back if things got out of hand.
38. An expensive mistake
I had the most hilarious experience the other day as I was driving my fully-loaded Jeep with a lift kit and all the bells and whistles. It was a beautiful summer day, and I had the roof off, so I was really enjoying the open-air fun. Suddenly, as I was stopped at a red light, I heard a loud screeeeeech followed by a BANG! I cautiously drove forward and took a look back to see what had happened - and wouldn't you know it, I had rear-ended a brand new Mercedes C class! How embarrassing!
I had just gotten myself a brand-new Jeep, and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. So you can imagine my surprise when, out of nowhere, some Mercedes comes barreling down the street and slams head-on into me. I was so shocked that I just sat there, staring at the wreckage in front of me. It was completely destroyed, while my precious Jeep had only a few minor scratches.
I quickly got out of the Jeep to check on the driver of the Mercedes, and when I did, I was even more shocked to see that it was a woman. I helped her out of the car, and no more than a minute later, she starts screaming at me about how I had destroyed HER car. I just calmly looked at her and said, "Uh, actually, you rammed into me.
I just couldn't comprehend how she thought it was possible for me to hit her! To be extra nice, I offered to provide her with my insurance information in order to cover the cost of fixing her Mercedes, but it turns out she didn't even have insurance! She then proceeded to demand a whopping 10K in cash from me! I was flabbergasted. Where did she even come up with that number? All I could do was shake my head and tell her that it was completely unreasonable, seeing as it was her fault for not having her insurance in order and for hitting me in the first place!
She then went on a wild rant about how her kids would have to eat dirt because she had to pay to have her car fixed, and it would all be my fault when they were living in a cardboard box the next day... or perhaps a Mercedes? She then threatened to call the police if I didn't pay up. I mean, it's still pretty silly, so I still said no.
So then she called the cops, and you know what that means - sirens, flashing lights, a whole lot of drama! Officers arrived at the scene and surveyed the destruction; you could tell they were shocked - "What happened here?" they asked. She said, in a very serious and probably angry tone, "He backed into me at full speed on a red light." Then they turned to me, and I swear I could see the disappointment in their eyes like I was the one to blame for this mess. But before I could even speak, it became a classic he said, she said situation. But luckily, a blessed shopkeeper was there to save the day - he had seen the whole thing and even captured it all on a surveillance camera. Thank goodness!
Well, I can't say I wasn't expecting it - I mean, I am a total legend, after all - but I was still pleasantly surprised when I emerged victorious from the altercation with the police officers. It turns out that the other driver had been driving recklessly and without insurance - so the officers had no choice but to take her away. Of course, she was none too pleased about it and started screaming at them, accusing them of letting me get away scot-free. Little did she know that the officers had video evidence of me doing absolutely nothing wrong, so they had no choice but to let me go. And so I hopped in my jeep and drove off, feeling pretty proud of myself.
39. Selective mistake
Today, I had the pleasure (not!) of dealing with two customers that got on my last nerve. Usually, I'm pretty good at just letting them complain and then responding with a simple 'Sorry, company policy' or something similar to shut them up, but not today! The first one was a real doozy - an elderly lady who had purchased four packages of hot dogs. We had a sale going on for them; buy two and get them for 99 cents each instead of the normal price of $2.99. It's a great deal - you save $4 overall. But this lady was livid that only two of her hot dogs had gone for the sale price - and she had the audacity to claim that there was no limit mentioned on the sale sign! Boy, did I have fun dealing with that one…
I was infuriated when the customer blabbed that she doesn't read the sales flier before I even had a chance to open it! I quickly set up a refund and ran to grab the on-shelf sale tag, but wouldn't you know it - it was too late! As I was running up front to show the customer the BIG BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS sign that read "Limit offer one per customer," she saw me coming and made a beeline for the door! Talk about reading the sign but selectively ignoring the parts of it that weren't in her favor. If only I had been just a tad bit faster! I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
40. The turban towel heist
Ahhh, the joys of working as a newly qualified social worker. Around five years ago, I had a morning from hell, so bad that I had a mixture of saliva and stomach contents all over me. The only saving grace was that I had the foresight to keep a spare set of 'court clothes' in my car, so I could change into something else. But I still felt pretty gross, so I took an early lunch break and went to the gym near the office for a much needed shower. I still shudder at the thought of how disgusting I must have been!
I stepped out of the shower and wrapped my sopping-wet hair in a towel, which I then tied into the most glamorous turban you've ever seen. As I sashayed through the locker room, I noticed a boy, about eight or nine, standing there all by himself. That was kinda strange, but I figured his mom must have been in the one occupied stall, so I gave him a big smile and continued on my way to get my stuff for the transformation that was about to take place.
At this point, the boy looked at me, pointed at my towel turban, and said: “What’s that?” Me: Oh it’s a towel turban, pretty neat huh? It stays up better than a regular towel. Boy: Cool. And he started to reach for my head. Me: Whoa there buddy! What do you think you're doing? You can't just go around touching people's heads! Boy: I just want to see it. Me: Err, no I’m using it, sorry. At this point in my life, I'm used to kids being a bit adventurous, but I wasn't expecting it here. It's like he wanted to confirm that it was, in fact, my towel turban and not a real turban!
He was looking fairly vexed, but then he returned to whatever he was doing on his mother's phone. In a bit of a hurry, I got myself ready, grabbed my things and made my way over to the mirror to take my turban off and start blow-drying my hair. I was in the middle of flicking it around to get it dried when out of nowhere this kid pops up to the mirror and immediately scurries away. I thought nothing of it and carried on, turning off the hairdryer and reaching for my turban...only to find that it wasn't there anymore. Great, I thought - just what I needed.
I'm seething with rage as I whip around with a ferocity that could be likened to a furious tornado. I take in the sight of him, the culprit, and I'm met with a bright shade of crimson as his cheeks flush with guilt. He's trying to ignore me, as if his phone can somehow save him from the wrath of my presence. He's in for a rude awakening.
I'm trying to keep my cool, but I'm so angry I feel like I could combust. I've been spat on, vomited on, and now he's taken my beloved towel turban? I've had enough of this.
Slowly, I march back over to him with a look of pure fury, and I bellow in my best 'I'm Not Messing Around' voice, "Give. Me. Back. My. Turban. Now!
My patience was wearing thin, so I shouted out loud, "HEY! Is this your son out here? If so, he needs to return my TURBAN. NOW!" His cheeks were burning red and he kept mumbling something about how he didn't take it. I was done playing his game, so I marched over to the only occupied stall and knocked on the door. When the entitled mother opened the door, she looked at me with such annoyance that I could practically hear her eyes rolling.
Her: "What in the world is going on here?!", she says, with a confused look on her face. Me: "It's like this, this is your son, right? Well, he's taken my towel turban, and when I asked him to give it back, he just kept saying 'no'. So, I thought I'd come to you and ask you to kindly ask him to return it to me, and I promise I won't tell the gym staff. Her: "Wait, a towel turban? What is that? I start trying to explain, but her son just chirps in and says, "It's a hair towel that stays up better than a regular one!" We both look at him, and the mom says, "Oh, okay... So, what do you want?".
Me: I DEMAND my fluffy towel turban back, pronto! Her: Well, he wouldn't just steal it; you probably misplaced it. Don't go around blaming innocent people for your absentmindedness! Me: (Getting more annoyed) Well then, all he needs to do is turn his bag upside down, and out my lost treasure will come. If he has it, he can just give it back. If I'm wrong, I'll apologize and do a backflip. The mom looks at the kid, and it's as clear as day that he's telling a porky pie!
She just says, with a tone of exasperation: "Oh, for goodness sake, don't be so ridiculous! As if I would let you rifle through his belongings like he's a criminal! Just take a look at yourself- you're harassing this poor little kid in the changing room! I take a deep breath, trying to stop my eyes from rolling so hard I can see the back of my head. Me: I'm not asking to touch anything. I'm simply asking you to check his bag for my turban. That's all. If you don't want to do it, I'll go and find someone from the staff who can help us out with this.
It's just a towel turban, I know, but it's PINK and CUTE, and this little scoundrel thinks it's okay to try and steal it! I mean, come on, it's not like it's a life-and-death situation here. So I tell the perpetrator, "Oh, so you're threatening me now, eh?". I mean, I know a circular argument when I hear one!
I fling open the door, and bellow into the gym, "Help! Someone, please come and sort this out!"
Suddenly, a gym trainer materializes, looking between the three of us. The thief has gone back to staring at their phone, and the mother has put herself between the trainer and the kid. The trainer looks at us all, and says, "What's going on here?".
Her: This totally bonkers witch is pestering my beloved son and attempting to rifle through his bag! She requires being chucked out! She… Me: That is not what went down. Her son has stolen my towel turban, and I would like it back. I just keep giving this kid the ol' stink-eye, and the coach says: Alrighty-o, so what's the story? Did you nab the towel?
The kid mumbles something incomprehensible as if he was so traumatized he'd forgotten how to speak! His mother then dramatically jumps in, shouting, "See?! He didn't take it! I won't let him get away with this!" She then dramatically bends down and gives the kid a huge hug, as if to say, “It’ll be alright,” with a look of pure determination. I look at the trainer, wide-eyed and incredulous, and explain the whole event as if I was telling the most ridiculous story ever told.
He says, "Ok, so why don't we just check his bag?" Instantly, the kid starts bawling like an opera singer and the mother starts going ballistic, shouting about how this is totally a violation of their rights. The trainer looks like he's about to cry, and meekly says, "I think that's the only way we can sort this out." The mother then gets up and tries to force her way past me, but I'm as unmovable as a brick wall and the room is way too small for her to make any progress.
She starts losing her cool and throws the kid's bag at the trainer, yelling profusely. Her: Alright! Look through it! He definitely hasn't taken it and if you don't find it, I want that little rascal thrown out! The kid starts bawling like a baby. The trainer, clearly perplexed, spots the pink, wet turban towel in the bag and looks at it as if it's an alien object. The kid's wails get louder, and he tries to reach for it, but the trainer holds it just out of his reach.
The trainer stammered, "So...so...this is yours?" and I proudly replied, "Yes! Thank you very much!"
I then stuffed the highly-coveted turban towel into my bag, and took out my car keys and ID lanyard. As I slipped it around my neck, it was as if I had triggered some sort of alarm in the mother's head. She abruptly yanked her child's arm and snatched the bag back from the trainer. I moved out of the way swiftly, allowing her to pass by.
I couldn't help but wonder what had gone through her mind when she saw the social worker ID around my neck. Was she surprised? Relieved? Or maybe a bit of both? I guess I'll never know!
The poor trainer looked utterly perplexed, and I had to explain that she was probably just embarrassed that her lad had taken my headgear without permission. But I could tell she was in a state of panic as she realized what I did for a living and that her son was playing hooky, swiping bright pink, damp turban cloths. Lord knows what he was planning on doing with them!
41. Needing an explanation
Yesterday, I experienced something I've never had the displeasure of going through before - encountering someone who was really going off on me at work! It was at the burger place I currently work at, and the whole ordeal involved a rather unpleasant fellow by the name of Darren, his daughter, my coworker Karen, my manager Bernard, and myself. Talk about an awkward situation! Darren was really letting me have it, and I was so taken aback that I almost forgot to put the ketchup on his burger. I mean, it's not like I could have predicted that he was going to be so grumpy, but Karen and Bernard were not very impressed. I'm sure I'll never forget this uncomfortable episode!
At my job, we like to keep things nice and orderly. We organize orders numerically, and when the order is ready, we call out the number, and the customer can pick it up from the hand-out area. I was prepping for a new role and happened to be close to the hand-out area, so I was aware when a man named Darren approached with a receipt in one hand and a burger in the other.
I could tell that he was not happy, though I couldn't anticipate what happened next. I asked him if something was amiss with his order, and he said that he had gotten the wrong burger. He was relatively calm about the whole thing, however, I could sense a faint trace of frustration in his voice. Knowing that I had to make things right, I apologized and asked what kind of burger he was missing.
Karen, who was taking orders next to us, decided to jump in with an eagerness that could only be described as 'enthusiasm gone wrong' and said, "Oh, I think his daughter grabbed the wrong order. His order is in the back!" Now, I know that she meant well, but I still had to tell her that it wasn't necessary to tell the customer their mistakes in such a direct way - that's just not cool. Plus, it was way easier to just fix the order instead of playing the 'who done it' game.
Plus, no one was going to point the finger at her and embark on some sort of crazy investigation. All I wanted to do was my job. At the time, I just said that the burgers in the back were already cold, so I just needed to know which one he wanted. Instead of responding to me, Darren said, "Wait, my daughter got the wrong food?" To which Karen responded that she thought that was what had occurred. And honestly, it was a bit of a bummer, because it seemed like she was hoping Darren would say, "No, it's fine, she got it right, just give me the cold burger." But alas, it was not meant to be.
At that point, Karen and I looked at each other incredulously, feeling a bit awkward and uncomfortable. Then, Darren motioned for his daughter to come over - a tall pair, I estimated she was probably about twelve. I tried to quickly diffuse the situation and said with a hint of desperation in my voice, "Seriously, it's no trouble at all - I'd be more than happy to get you the right burger". Darren then replied, "Can you tell her that? I really don't want to start World War III if I do." Karen and I exchanged incredulous glances again, wondering how a simple burger order could possibly lead to an international conflict!
Darren was adamant that she had to "get to grips with this." I responded with, "Alrighty then. I didn't give out the food, so I can't tell if she got the wrong thing or not. Karen might be able to help?" But Karen hastily shirked her responsibility by saying, "I can't. I'm in the middle of taking orders". This ticked me off, and I thought to myself, "Why were you even listening to our conversation in the first place? Why did you need to add your two cents when I was already sorting it out, and we had no problems?
Oh boy, what a situation I had gotten myself into! Darren was really putting the pressure on, and it was getting really awkward. His daughter was squirming in her seat, and I was desperately looking for the nearest exit. Darren was getting increasingly angry, and his tone was becoming increasingly condescending and loud. It was almost as if he wanted me to do something I didn't want to do. I was starting to feel like a rat in a maze and the walls were closing in on me. In any case, he was adamant that he wanted to talk to me and know what had happened. Yikes!
Once again, I was sharing my lack of knowledge of the situation. "Yes, sir," I said sheepishly. "Unfortunately, I wasn't the one giving out the food. You kept interrupting me before I could finish, so I said, 'I'm going to see if I can get my manager for you because I don't think I can help you anymore with this.'" As soon as I started to walk away, he started to scream like a banshee. I mean, really start wailing like a baby. Geez, talk about overreacting!
He was going ballistic! He was screaming at the top of his lungs, "NO! Don't ignore me! Madam, I don't need your boss! I'm not trying to start a riot here!" Everyone was gaping in shock as he let loose, and I shouted out, "BERNARD!" in desperation. Bernard came over, and Darren suddenly reverted back to his usual tranquil self. It turned out he simply wanted to know what happened to his order. What a drama queen!
I was still standing there, and Bernard said in a sassy tone, “He wants to talk to you.” Darren had a super snooty voice when he was talking to me like he was trying to be an expert in everything. He gave a half-truth and then asked in a condescending manner, “Is that not what happened?” So, I stood there like a statue, not sure what to do, and after he asked again, I said awkwardly, “Well, I mean, my manager is here. So, yes, I am agreeing that is what happened, I guess.”
I was so angry that I felt the tears welling up, so I just stared off into space, refusing to look at Darren. I was so tempted to give him a good punch for having the nerve to crouch down to meet my level, and then he had the audacity to ask if I wanted to be talking to him! Yeah, right! As if I wouldn't rather be anywhere else!
When Bernard didn't cease his hostile behavior, I was pushed over the edge and lost my cool. I yelled, "No, no way! Bernard, I'm not doing this, I can't take it anymore!" and marched away. My co-workers followed me to the back, and one of them even offered to let me take out my rage on him. Even though I declined, I have a huge amount of respect for that guy!
At that moment, I was counting down the minutes until I could walk out of there and call it a day. Bernard said he was sorry for the way Darren had acted, but I was like: on the one hand, I get it. Darren could seem like a mild-mannered kind of guy. But on the other hand, this dude was literally screaming at me, and he was a good head taller than me, and I'm only 4'11 (125 cm), so that's, like, a whole foot and a half difference!
Even his daughter was towering over me, which made me feel a tiny bit discriminated against because Bernard wasn't as patronizing with him as he was with me. But Bernard said it was more to do with their sizes, as they were both pretty much the same height and built similarly. He also added that there was something fishy about that guy, and I couldn't help but agree. Honestly, I'm starting to suspect that Bernard has a height complex.
42. Cruising for a bruising
Oh boy, one day, my boyfriend and I decided to go on a cruise vacation and being the fanboy that I am, I was beyond excited! Of course, it wasn't going to be easy; we had to drive from our humble abode all the way to the harbor, which was a whopping three to four-hour drive. But it was all worth it in the end because I got to rock the boat with my fabulous outfits!
Boy, oh boy, was I ever NOT a morning person that day! But my poor ol' boyfriend was absolutely ZAPPED from work, so I decided that I'd be the one driving so he could catch a few more ZZZs on the way there. We got to our destination nearly half an hour before take-off, so we parked the car and strolled out for some fresh air and a few puffs of a cigarette. I was practically ready to collapse; I was THAT tired. But the anticipation of our trip was so powerful that I hadn't been able to get a wink of sleep the night before!
We had almost finished up our check-in process when we were suddenly ambushed by an evil witch and her petulant little brat. She barked at us, "Move over! My son and I MUST be checked in right away!" We knew better than to pick a fight with a woman like her, so we hastily stood aside. After she had finished checking in herself and her son, we finally got a chance to finish up our own check-in process. Ah, what a joy it was to be rid of that wicked witch!
The whole time, we were chatting with the lady at the ticket booth about how some parents act like they own the place. Once we got on board, we started searching for our cabin. It was great - it had a beautiful double bed, a humongous TV on the wall, a stunning view, and more. We quickly dumped our bags inside and got comfortable. Then, we switched on the TV and were ready to watch Smokey and the Bandit while we waited for the announcement that we were setting sail. Ah, what a life!
As soon as we stepped onto the upper deck, we saw this woman and her young child. We were like, "What?! This area is only for people 18 and older! How did they even get in here?". But then we decided to just ignore them and act like we were Jack and Rose from Titanic, getting all lovey-dovey and smooching and being all touchy-feely. I mean, it's not like the kid was gonna tell their mom that we were recreating the most romantic scene in movie history, right?
The mum arrived and was not impressed with the way we were behaving. She sternly told us off but then quickly softened her tone and praised me for having such an attractive girlfriend and for wearing an on-trend, punk-ish, asymmetrical tartan dress. She then proceeded to one-up me by revealing that she was wearing something even more outrageous; a lace-up, tartan, asymmetrical dress! We thanked her for her generous compliments, then scuttled back inside, eager to rest our weary legs and get away from any further lectures.
In the evening, we had a reservation at one of the fanciest restaurants on board, and let me tell you - it was a sight to behold! We waltzed in with our reservation and skipped past the massive line of hungry people while they all stared at us with envy in their eyes - some of them stayed quiet, but not her. That's right; she was there again with her never-ending questions! Her: "Why do they get to skip the line while the rest of us have to stay behind? Hey, why don't we trade places? My son is starving!" I wanted to laugh so badly, but I had to keep a straight face.
Oh great, it was her again. We had been trying to avoid her for days, but what can you do when you're on a ship in the middle of the ocean? We eventually made it to our table, but of course, we could still hear her screaming at the waitstaff. We ordered some drinks and food, and then my boyfriend suddenly got up and pushed his chair away. I immediately knew what was happening, and my eyes filled with tears as the waiter came over with a little black box in his hands. It was really sweet, but I couldn't help but think, "Ugh, her again?!
I had been torturing myself for what felt like an eternity, eagerly anticipating this moment. Then suddenly, he dropped to one knee and asked me the most romantic question of all time, “Will you make me the happiest man on earth?” He hadn't even finished the sentence before I was blurting out a huge YES! I had no time to think; I just knew my life would be incomplete without him. The entire area erupted into thunderous applause, and I rewarded him with a passionate kiss. Just as I was about to bask in the romance of the moment, my entitled mother stepped into the scene and caught us in the act.
Her: "What the heck?! You can't just go around kissing your significant other in public! I mean, I have my son with me here! Why didn't you think of the consequences before you decided to do this?" Boyfriend: "Well, if you must know, I just proposed and kissed to make it official. Plus, that wasn't my girlfriend; that's my boyfriend. I could literally see all the color drain from her face!" Her: "What?! How could you do such a thing with children present?! That was highly inappropriate and uncalled for. Blah, blah, blah.
While she kept screaming her lungs out, I noticed something had a scent that was strangely reminiscent of poop and there was no sign of her mischievous little one in sight. That is until I looked down, and there he was, trying to pull down my skirt! I acted quickly and grabbed his hands with determination, yanking him away from me. His mother suddenly erupted with, "HOWDAREYOUTOUCHMYBABY!" Her voice was so loud that I'm pretty sure she didn't take a breath during that entire sentence. And here we go again…
She threatened to sue him and scolded him for wearing girl's clothing. Her boyfriend was absolutely livid, and he was about to give the woman a slap that would've sent her flying into the future. But thankfully, I intervened and prevented him from doing that. The woman acted like he had already done it, even though everyone was watching. She must've thought her acting skills were incredibly convincing, but I'm sure no one was fooled.
We were feeling so good after we got our meal for free, thanks to that one patron who got escorted out. After getting some rest in our cabin, we were hyped up to find the bar, with the promise of live music and tasty drinks. After a little bit of wandering, we finally found the place and stepped inside. We ordered a few drinks and made ourselves comfortable. We indulged in our drinks and got a little tipsy, and the next thing we knew, we were out on the dance floor, feeling like a couple of newlyweds! But then, who did we see? You'll never guess…
The entitled mother screeched out, "STOOOOOP THE MUSIC!" and the entire bar was immediately silent. She then continued in a tone that sounded eerily similar to a Catholic priest, "Don't start the music until these two leave." Little did she know that she would get the exact opposite of what she wanted. Suddenly, the bartender comes over and says to her in a stern voice, "Miss, I'm afraid I have to ask you to leave the bar." With a look of utter shock and disbelief, she exclaimed, "Why do WE have to leave while THESE TWO get to stay?!?!
The bartender took one look at the woman and her bratty kid and immediately knew what kind of trouble they were about to cause. She couldn't believe her ears when the woman made those inappropriate comments. It was as if everyone in the room could hear the bartender's jaw drop in shock.
With a stern voice, the bartender made it clear that such behavior was not tolerated. She then proceeded to tell them both to leave. And leave, they did! As they exited, the music started up again, and we celebrated our good fortune with a hefty tip for the bartender.
We then made our merry way back to the cabin, where we enjoyed the rest of our vacation away from the woman and her devil spawn.
And speaking of celebrations, we are getting hitched in August! Who knew that a simple night out at the bar could lead to such great things?
43. Too good to be true
To begin, let me be clear: my store has never, and will never, offer coupons. On this particular day, a woman came in wanting decor for her new house. I showed her what we had, and she seemed so pleased with what she saw, no doubt due to our amazing 40% sale. Little did I know, the excitement was because she thought she had a coupon for half off on everything. She spent an hour picking out her items and having them put behind the counter, but it wasn't until the end that she mentioned her 'coupon.' Red flag, anyone?
I then asked her if I could take a peek at what she was doing while also trying to politely explain that we don't accept in-store coupons. She kept at it for another 30 minutes, scouring her phone for the supposed coupon. After finally getting a peek at her phone, it all became clear—she had stumbled upon one of those websites that guarantee coupon codes, but let's be honest, they just don't work.
It even said in big, bold letters that the codes were uncertified! She was very polite throughout the entire ordeal but explaining to her that the coupons couldn't be used in-store was downright exhausting. I understand that some people from the older generations can have trouble with this kind of stuff, but it was almost like she just couldn't comprehend that she couldn't use her coupons here. And, of course, she asked us to put half of her items back on the shelf. What a wild ride!
44. Not so empty threats
Oh, boy! The drama had already begun before the plane had even taken off. As the boarding process was nearing completion, the sound of a sobbing kid could be heard from a few rows back. I'm sure she was a real sweetheart. That was when her Entitled Mother stepped in and demanded that the flight attendant ask the captain one more time if they could have their dog in the cabin instead of the pet compartment. Can you believe it? One more time! I mean, I love animals, but come on, lady! Let's get this plane in the air already!
The flight attendant, not one to be intimidated by an entitled kid, tried to explain the situation calmly, but the kid was having none of it. "No! My dog needs to be with me!" they shouted, causing heads to turn in our direction. The flight attendant, doing a remarkable job at keeping their composure, continued to explain that it was perfectly safe for their furry friend to travel underneath the plane, but still, the kid refused to listen.
At this point, someone near my row spoke up, announcing their severe allergy to dogs, causing the family to look around nervously. The flight attendant, seemingly relieved to have an adult in the conversation, informed the family that it was best to keep the dog in their designated compartment. After a few more tearful protests, the kid finally agreed, and the flight attendant returned to their duties with a sigh of relief!
The mother, with a voice that could be heard from the back of the plane, raised her demand to the flight attendant to dig their luggage and their beloved pooch out of the plane! "We'll find another airline that doesn't mind having our entire family onboard!" she said. The flight attendant tried to explain that it would take some time to locate their belongings and that it would delay the flight. However, the mother was adamant, and the captain was waiting for the crew to confirm that they were ready for take-off. The flight attendant was in a pickle! How were they ever going to get the family off the plane and take off at the same time?! Well, at least one thing was sure- the mother had made her point clear, and it was loud and clear!
The mother, not ready to deal with her children's antics, sternly asked, "So, if there was a bomb, you would hightail it right back in here and face whatever you were running away from, right?" Instantly, the whole plane went silent, and the flight attendant desperately declared, "Ummm, everyone, just stay in your seats. We'll figure this out." It didn't take long before the cops came to take the family away, proving that you can't escape your own drama, no matter how far you fly!
It took a whopping TWENTY minutes before they were finally ready to jet off on their vacation - ten minutes to get their luggage and the dog and an additional FIVE minutes for the plane to take off. The sight of the disgruntled husband struggling to keep the wailing kids under control while their mother was being escorted away by the police was honestly the most enjoyable holiday kick-off I've had in forever. I mean, what could be better than that? Nothing, I tell ya!
45. Cost per spray
As I stood there, hand sanitizer bottle in hand, working my job as the door greeter at this thrift store in the middle of a pandemic, I couldn't help but feel like I was in some sort of surreal scene. This feeling only intensified when an elderly woman entered, and I politely offered to spray some hand sanitizer on her hands. To my surprise, she dramatically coughed as if this was the most outrageous thing she'd ever experienced! I mean, I get it; having your hands sprayed with a strange liquid is kind of weird - but come on! It's 2020; the least she could do was act like it was no big deal.
Then, she exclaimed dramatically, "You sprayed too much! It got into my mouth! My poor, poor mouth!" At that, I felt a wave of guilt wash over me. But then she completely lost me when she said that it had gotten into her mouth, seeing as she was wearing a mask and all. To add insult to injury, as she sauntered away, she muttered something under her breath. It sounded something like, "My wallet is going to suffer for this!" I had no idea how that was connected to me, but okay then…
46. A light at the end of the tunnel
Greetings, world! I'm a 28-year-old lady who decided to take the plunge and go fully blind recently. When I was a kid, I thought I was so cool to volunteer with my local youth group to help rebuild Mississippi after hurricane Katrina, and as a bonus, I even picked up a fungal parasite called Histoplasmosis. Little did I know that, after a decade, this little hitchhiker would end up migrating to my eyes and slowly causing me to go blind. Yep, I've been completely blind for about a year now, so I'm still pretty new to this whole 'being blind' thing. You could say I'm still feeling my way around!
When I first became a member of the sightless society, I was a total recluse - I barely left the house and had an overwhelming fear of appearing in public. I was so convinced that everyone was looking at me and pointing, and to be honest, I had no clue what I was doing. The whole process of losing my vision had been quite a challenge, and I didn't have a support group to help me out.
One day, my beloved husband asked me if I wanted to take an Uber to the bank to deposit a rent check, and after much convincing and gentle persuasion, I finally agreed. Little did I know, I was about to embark on my grandest adventure yet!
While I was out, my dear companion sent me a message to remind me that we had run out of some of the essentials at home. As luck would have it, there was a Walmart grocery store directly across the street from the bank, and I figured that it was high time for me to get some experience in shopping alone, so I might as well give it a go. At first, everything was going swimmingly, and since I was only getting a few items, I didn't even need a shopping cart!
I was blindly fumbling about with my trusty cane and my meager echolocation skills, as we, visually impaired folks, are wont to do, when suddenly *Whack!* my stick made contact with something much softer than the usual walls and furniture. Uh oh, I thought to myself, I may have just clobbered someone, and I quickly uttered a humble apology. That's when I heard the voice of an Entitled Kid (EK) and their Entitled Mother (EM). Me: "Oh dear, I'm terribly sorry!" I exclaimed, hoping I hadn't caused them any permanent damage.
EM: "Hey!" she shouted, her voice reverberating off the walls, "You just hit my son!!"
Me: "I'm so sorry, ma'am!" I said, my voice trembling. "I didn't see him there!"
EM began yelling, her face contorted with rage: "HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE HIM? HE'S CLEARLY RIGHT HERE!! Now, I'm fully blind, but I don't wear sunglasses; mostly because I can't afford a decent pair, but also I'm not trying to 'play the part' of a typical blind person - like I'm some kind of movie character or something!
I just want to be treated like a normal person, but I can only imagine the confusion she had, considering blindness is a spectrum. So I decided to explain it to her calmly. Me: Ma'am, I'm blind, and I can't see anything, not even your son. That's why I rely on my cane to get around without any assistance. But before I could even finish, she cut me off. She asked me why I wasn't wearing big sunglasses. I paused for a moment and said, "Well, I guess I just like to live life on the edge.
As a blind person, I often get asked a lot of silly questions, and while I know many of these questions come from people who simply don't know any better, I still try to answer as many as I can with a smile. But when someone asked me if I needed sunglasses, even though a decent pair costs around 200 bucks, that's when my blood started to boil! And to add insult to injury, the person then had the audacity to accuse me of faking my blindness! Talk about a real eyeful!
I absolutely refuse to believe that there is a single sane person on this planet who would have the nerve to pretend to be blind! I mean, the thought of it alone drives me up the wall! Just when I'm about to unleash my fury, I feel a tug, and to my utter dismay, I spotted this little brat who has just stolen my $100 cane! For all you folks who don't comprehend - that's like if you're shopping and suddenly the power goes out, leaving you in complete and utter darkness! Talk about a nightmare, right?
Without my trusty cane, I can barely make it two steps without crashing into something and making a fool of myself. My voice quivers as I plead desperately: "Excuse me, ma'am, but could you kindly return that to me? It's really important for me to have it!" The woman responds with a sneer, "No, you don't, you scoundrel. My darling son deserves to have more fun with this than you do!" As she walks away with my precious cane, I can hear it banging off the metal displays and other objects in her path. Oh, the horror!
I was having the worst day ever. I had been wandering around a shop for what felt like hours with nothing to show for it. As I was about to give up and call it a day, I started bawling my eyes out. Waving my arms around like a madman, I desperately tried to cling onto something, anything, but my luck was not having it.
The next thing I knew, I had crashed into a center aisle display and made a spectacle of myself. I was all alone, in the dark, and I had no idea what to do. But then, like a knight in shining armor, AG (which stands for Awesome Guy) appeared out of nowhere and put his comforting hand on my shoulder. He was an absolute life-saver!
He inquires if I'm alright and instructs me to remain in place. I obey his orders and start to become more alert. This man must have been a tall and sturdy fellow since his footsteps sounded as though a giant was coming, and I felt a gust of wind every time he moved away. Approximately thirty or forty feet away, I heard this loud roar which sounded like an enraged lion, and then a loud thud. In a blink of an eye, the man is back and assisting me in standing up.
He grabbed my hand, placed my cane firmly in my grasp, and then proceeded to assist me in collecting all of the items I had scattered across the floor when I took a tumbling dive into the store display. Through my tear-filled eyes, I thanked him profusely, not knowing what else to do. He smiled kindly and said, "Don't worry about it. Some people are just plain ol' monsters. But this guy right here? He's definitely restored my faith in humanity! He even helped me finish shopping and walked me right out of the store.
As we were strolling away, I could hear the recognizable wailing of EM, something about AG snatching the cane and yanking it with all her might, tossing her little terror of a tyke into a shopping cart. I'm not sure if she was exaggerating the story or not, yet it could clarify the smashing sound I heard. It's simple to feel alone in a universe without vision; however, even though the extreme dread of losing my cane, in any event, I now know there are individuals ready to back me up when I need it.
47. A question of receiving
I had a woman come in and declare that she did not desire a receipt for her purchase. But, when I discarded the original receipt, she shouted and exclaimed that I should give her the receipt! So, I went to the printer to generate a new one, and she abruptly proclaimed, "No, I want the first receipt!" So, I fished it out of my trash can, which only contained receipt paper, and she exclaimed, "That's the one!" Honestly, I was so astonished that I was left speechless. I mean, how can someone be so clueless about the concept of trash?
I was so dumbfounded when the lady asked if all receipts were the same. I mean, really? Like, did she think they were all cut from the same cloth or something? I guess my better judgment told me to keep my mouth shut and just say, "No, ma'am, this one is for a smaller purchase. You need the bigger size." I could tell she was a bit miffed, but she eventually found the right one and huffed off.
Little did I know, a few days later, I would be in for quite the shock. I opened up the customer feedback box and was greeted by a nasty review saying that I was rude, had thrown out her receipt when asked for it, and didn't even bother to print her a new one. It went on to claim that I had just grabbed a receipt out of the garbage and handed it to her. Wow. Corporate must have felt really bad about it because they sent her a gift card. As far as I was concerned, I was done after that.
48. A beautiful thing
Ahh, memories! Back in high school, one of my best buddies announced to us that she was expecting a little bundle of joy. We were all so excited for her! Before we knew it, she had given birth to a gorgeous baby boy. She took some time away from school to care for her little one, but she still managed to keep up with her studies - even attending online classes so she could graduate with her classmates!
Every Friday, we'd go to one of the yummy food places near the high school. On this one particular day, we decided to try out this scrumptious Chinese restaurant that I had been frequenting. Boy, did I love that place!
The minute I step into the cozy Chinese restaurant, the little old Asian lady behind the counter chirpily greets me by name. It's like she's always been expecting me! I have to say, I'm quite impressed with their policies here - there's this sticker on the front door that reads something like, "Breastfeeding? It's always a go here!", which is awesome news for my friend - she's much more comfortable feeding her baby that way. After we placed our orders, we settled ourselves in the waiting area for when the little one got all fussy. It's like this place was made for parents and their children - so thoughtful!
As my friend and I were chatting away, in comes this beautiful mama and her little one, who had to be around 10. I instantly recognized him as one of the kiddos I used to look after when I volunteered at the youth center! He strutted up to me and started shooting the breeze, and then he turned to my friend and asked, in all innocence, what on earth she was doing with that baby! She just smiled and flipped open the little cover, cozily tucking it around both her and her little one as she prepared to feed him!
Before my friend could answer, the boy's mother jumped in with a stern attitude, "Oh my goodness! Disgusting is an understatement for what she's doing! Haven't you been taught any manners? And why are you doing it if you're just a kid?" I knew my friend had a bit of an attitude, so I quickly tried to intervene before things got crazy. "It's really not that bad, and I'm sure Mrs. L is totally fine with it - she even has a sticker on the door about it!
Mrs. L was just gawking over the baby a few seconds ago, her eyes wide with surprise and a huge grin on her face. She then proceeds to scribble something down in her notebook, oblivious to the fact that the mother was not too pleased with the situation. The mother then goes on a rant, her voice getting louder and more agitated with every word. "I'm sorry, but I'm just not comfortable with a baby breastfeeding another baby. Can you please just stop?", she says in frustration.
Mrs. L finally cuts in, her broken English making her words sound almost comical. "Nursing a baby is a beautiful thing," she says, her eyes twinkling with amusement. "You have a problem. You leave!" she adds, a sly smirk gracing her lips.
She then banged on the window that leads to the kitchen with such ferocity that I thought a mini earthquake was happening, and she gave a huge bow to my friend for having to put up with that woman's atrocious attitude. She then looked at the boy who was still standing next to me and said in a humorous tone, “Your mother, she's a little bit... not the sharpest tool in the shed, huh?” This made the boy burst into laughter, and the mother scooted away in her seat, trying to get as far away from us as possible. When my friend was done ordering, and we picked up our food, Mrs. L threw in an extra order of delicious egg rolls, as they were my friend's absolute favorite.
49. An ill-fitting argument
Ah yes, Zara, the place where fashion dreams come true - or at least they used to! Due to the pesky pandemic, our dressing rooms have had to close their doors, leaving us with no way to try on our new-found fashion finds. You see, every time someone uses one of the dressing rooms, we would need to do a deep clean and, unfortunately, we don't have enough staff members to do that. So, even though the virus is on the decline, our dressing rooms remain closed for the time being - I guess it's back to the old-fashioned way of buying clothes without trying them on first!
Well, here at our store, we have a pretty normal return policy - it's not like we're making any exceptions for anyone! But, most customers don't cause a fuss and just go ahead and get their items, and if they don't fit, they can come back the next day and exchange or return them. Easy peasy, right? Yeah, I thought so too. Until, of course, I had to start making trips back and forth from the dressing room to the stock room, filling the shelves with inventory. Talk about a workout!
I was in the middle of a massive sale, rushing around like a headless chicken, trying to get everything out there as fast as my little legs could carry me. I was merrily putting knitwear on racks, singing along to the classic tune blaring in the background, and feeling like the happiest person alive. Then, out of nowhere, I heard that voice. The voice of terror. Karen. She screeched, “Excuuuuuuuuse me!” and I felt my heart sink. Oh no, I thought. Here we go again.
As soon as I spun around, all of my alarm bells started clanging! It was clear that this person was a bona fide Karen. Her stringy blonde hair, her thin lips, a lifetime of sunburn ruining her skin, no mask on her face (but one dangling from her chin), and a teenager with her who looked totally miserable to be in her presence... yep, definitely a Karen.
Oh boy, indeed! I was just minding my own business when this lady barged in and demanded to know if we had a fitting room open before I could even process what was happening. I plastered on my biggest, brightest customer service smile and said, with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, "Well, hello there! What can I do for you today? You asked about our fitting rooms, yes? Well, let me tell you, we do indeed have a fitting room open - and it's open for business! Just one small thing - can you please respect the social distancing rules? I'm sure you understand.
OH, I tried. I really did. I saw the sign that said, "No Fitting Rooms Open Due To COVID," and I thought, "OK, I'll give it a try and explain our return policy". So I nervously start my little spiel, but before I can even get through it, I'm interrupted by this woman who points at me and says, "But I need a fitting room!" Then she steps closer to me, so I'm like, "Hey now, back up! We've still got those pesky social distancing rules to follow, ya know!" But, of course, she didn't care. I mean, she clearly didn't read the sign.
I tried to explain to her yet again that she couldn't use the fitting room, but she just wouldn't take it.
"I just saw someone in there!" she exclaimed. I answered, "Yes, ma'am, that was my manager. She's pricing the items in there." She still wasn't satisfied with my explanation, and she argued, "So she's back there, but I can't be?" I just said, "Yes". She kept trying to get closer and closer to me, but I was taking a few steps back with every step she took. I mean, I don't know if she was trying to get into the fitting room or what, but it was definitely a bit funny!
I was absolutely cornered by her. She shot back with a snarky comment, "This policy is straight-up ridiculous. This is 2020, not 1920! It's completely ludicrous!" Then, she launched into a full-on speech about how absurd she thought it all was. She acted like she was the first person to ever realize how stores actually operate. It was like she expected me to be shocked by her epiphany.
I replied with a smirk, "Well, ma'am, it's not like we're living in a magical 'Covid-free' zone. We'd need extra staff to keep the fitting rooms clean and run the store too, and, if I'm being honest, we're a bit short-staffed at the minute." She rolled her eyes and began to rant about how unreasonable it was for us not to be able to help her out. At that point, I was done. I mean, come on, it's not like we've got a fairy godmother on speed dial to make our pandemic wishes come true!
No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to make her understand that I'm just a lowly sales associate and I can't do anything about the corporate policy. Instead, it only makes her angrier, and she starts insisting that I change the policy for her on the spot and even get in touch with corporate to do it. If only she knew how ridiculous her demands were!
At that point, I had a truly spiritual moment of contemplation. My third eye opened wide, and I became aware that for the entirety of the conversation, I had been peering down my nose at the other person. Being a measly 5'3" (162 cm), I rarely get to experience the unique pleasure of looking down on people. Every time I end up in a heated debate, I always feel like an idiot because I'm bellowing from below at whoever I'm arguing with.
At that moment, I felt like a total Queen! I was like, "Ain't nobody gonna talk down to me today!" Karen was still going on about how I had to make the changes because my job was in jeopardy, but I just rolled my eyes because there was no way she was ever gonna have the class to talk to me like that. I mean, hello! I'm a tiny person! I'm clearly not the tallest person in the room, but I was still feeling like a giant!
I looked at her, showed off my toothy grin, and said, “Zara is a global force, darling. I'm pretty dang sure I can handle the task. You take care now,” and gave her a little wink and a wave as if to say, "Shoo, shoo!" She huffed off, and the daughter, who had been quiet and sad the entire time, muttered, “My bad,” and scurried away after her mom.
I popped into the changing room and had a few choice words with my manager, who was ranting and raving about the Karens out there who don't seem to think the pandemic is a big deal. Bless her heart - she's got my back, and I love her for it. When I got back home, I was just dying to know what Zara's net worth was and so I did a little research. Alleluia! It was a huge relief to see the number - it made me feel like I had nothing to worry about in terms of my job security, not even a smidgen.
50. Don’t just keep swimming
Boy, let me tell y'all a wild story about the time this mama tried to get me to be her free babysitter/lifeguard. We recently got one of those fancy above-ground pools that you can set up yourself; it was four feet deep and fourteen feet round. It took us two whole days to prep and fill it and then to let it warm up to the perfect temperature. Finally, yesterday it was all ready to go, and my daughter asked if she could invite a little girl she's semi-friendly with from down the street to come to swim with her. Little did I know, this mama was hopin' I'd be her free babysitter/lifeguard!
Well, when I saw that these two eight-year-olds were tall enough to keep their heads above the water, I said, 'Ok, sure.' But then, their little friend showed up with her toddler sister, who was probably on the younger side of two. There was no way she was tall enough to keep her head above the water! So I told the friend that her little sister couldn't get in the water unless her mom was there to watch her, and sent them home with the message. But they both came back, and she said, "Mom said she's fine in her float, and I can watch her!" And I was like, "Oh, really? Do you think you can handle a toddler while swimming? Good luck!
I couldn't believe it when I said, "No, it's definitely not fine. I mean, come on - an eight-year-old can't be expected to look after a toddler in a pool, and there's no way I'm going to be the one doing it either. I told them that their mom needed to come and watch their little sister, or there was no chance she was getting in the pool. So, they both took off, but then they came BACK! At that point, I was fit to be tied.
I pounded on the door of their house like a madman, absolutely determined to get an answer. But there was nothing. No sound. No movement. Nothing. I was about to give up and turn around when suddenly, the garage door started to open and out came this woman, backing her car out! I hastily herded my kids and her kids to the end of the driveway, and as she stepped out of her car, she had a look of pure fury on her face. She demanded to know what my problem was as if I was the one who had done something wrong!
I was so fed up! I had to remind this lady that I wasn't her babysitter and that I absolutely refused to be held responsible for her baby nearly drowning in MY swimming pool, which was ON MY property! She had a reaction that was equal parts cold and terrifying. Then, she starts talking to her children in that overly sweet and patronizing baby talk - “I’m so sorry, babies, the mean lady isn’t going to let you swim; I’m so sorry, princesses.” Of course, the toddler starts bawling, and the mother begins to shout at me. Ugh, I can't stand it!
Ah, the classic story of the Mommy Witch! We were walking home from our friend's house when we saw the Mommy Witch in action! She was screaming at her daughter and making her cry, and then she snatched up her little sister, who was shrieking in terror and threw her in the car. Poor friend of ours was so embarrassed, her face was as red as a tomato, and all she could manage was a meek 'sorry' before clambering into the car. And with a screech of tires, the Mommy Witch sped off! Truly, a sight to behold!
Well, let's just say that I had no desire of abandoning the kiddos without someone to look after them. I was right there, tending to the garden, and I was ready to keep on working while the little ones were enjoying a swim in the pool. The problem was that, with an infant playing in the water, I would have to give her my undivided attention, as if I had to make sure she was okay just by looking at her. Can you believe it? Having to monitor a toddler while they are in the pool? Madness, I tell you!
51. Fishing for trouble
Whenever I'm at the aquatics store, I always have a blast! Sure, I'm technically the manager of the freshwater aquariums, but I like to think of myself as the Fish Whisperer. I love to ask customers about their tanks to help them out with any issues they may have. I mean, if I can help them avoid any rookie mistakes or even save their poor fish from an early demise, why not? It's all part of the job!
The other day, a lovely lady came in just moments before I was about to lock the doors, and I was exhausted. She had a container full of fish that were, unfortunately, no longer swimming and a sample of the water they had been living in. Although the levels of the parameters in the water were good, I knew, being a hobbyist myself, that it was probably due to ammonia poisoning. Unfortunately, we didn't test for it. Oh well, at least it made for a fun story to tell my fish-keeping buddies!
So, this poor lady had done a full water change, trying to save her fish, and I had to explain to her that you can't just do a full water change and expect it to be okay! I mean, that's like eating an entire cake and expecting to still fit into your jeans - it just doesn't work like that! I told her that the proper way is to do a 25% water change every week and suggested some products to help her out, but she wanted a quick fix. I tried to explain that her cycle was a mess and it was impossible to save her fish without starting the cycle all over again, but I'm not sure she understood me... or the concept of cake and jeans.
Ahh, such is the process that can take up to several weeks. But instead of actually listening to my advice, she made up a ridiculous excuse about how she had to take some fish home because her kids wanted them. I still tried to push her in the right direction and recommended that she take only two fish so as not to overstock the tank and disturb the new cycle.
However, all my wisdom and guidance went to waste when she suddenly realized something that I had stupidly overlooked myself - the fish sale was going to end in a few days! I guess I should have done my research beforehand.
Then she simply *refuses* to leave without the other fish! I'm thinking to myself, "Well, whatever. Take your fish!" But I make sure to remind her that unless she's very careful with their water cycle, these poor little fish are probably gonna end up a floatin' in the river Styx. After about half an hour of trying to convince her to listen to my advice, I finally had no choice but to let her go *after closing time*. Talk about stubbornness!
This was absolutely ludicrous! She asked me what she could do, and then, when I kindly suggested something, she thought it was too much effort, or she didn't have the time. I mean, come on! So, I went and spoke to the manager about it, and she said that if this customer had the nerve to come back looking for the same fish, I should tell her she can't have it. Unbelievable!
52. Eat my dust
I recently had an emergency appendectomy, and recovery has been snail-paced. I had to take a break from all my sporting activities, and even worse, I had to cancel my coaching sessions for the children's sports program that I'm involved with. This experience made me take a step back and realize that I had basically built my entire identity based on being fit and active. So, the impact that these health issues and the healing process had on my physical abilities has made me feel like a lost soul. Haha!
Ah, so I've been trying to recapture the bliss I once felt when I was working out without all the annoying little voices in my head chirping, "Remember when you used to be faster? Remember when your technique was better? Remember when you weren't so... rotund?" But the truth is, I'm so worried about not being able to do things the way I used to that it's been nearly impossible to recapture that joy. What a pickle!
I was feeling totally mortified at the thought of working out in public places, but as my buddies convinced me that my worries were all in my noggin, I started to feel better about it. There wasn't any other path to take but to start exercising again, so even though I was feeling the jitters, I set off on my running journey as soon as I got the green light from the docs. I went to the nearby track and just did a few sluggish laps each morning, and then I'd up the speed every couple of days.
Oh boy, I thought I was all alone out there on that track, just me and my headphones, running my little heart out and drenching myself in sweat. Little did I know that I was being judged, and not just judged, but judged HARD. Apparently, the other people at the track were watching me and making their own evaluations of my running abilities. Who knew that adding some sprints and strength training to the mix would make me such a spectacle? I guess I'll just have to be more mindful of my audience in the future.
Oh, wonderful, this was my absolute MELTDOWN-LEVEL worst nightmare at this stage of constructing my strength and speed back up again. On Friday, I was preparing for practice with the children's program, and the head coach invited me to his office because a parent had a complaint. A parent I wasn't too familiar with, Karen, was there, and he said she had some specific grumbles about me. Hooray.
I nervously shuffled into my boss's office, expecting to hear the same old complaints about how 'rules don't apply to me' and expecting to hear about why my kid should start more or switch positions.
But to my surprise, Karen was playing a video of me running on the track! Talk about an unexpected twist! I couldn't help but feel a bit embarrassed like I was being watched, but I think I managed to keep my cool. After all, it's not every day you get called into your boss's office to watch a video of yourself running!
That she had the audacity to film me from a distance while I was running around the stadium-style risers was enough to make my skin crawl! I was not only taken aback to see myself on video but I was absolutely mortified at how slow I was. But most of all, why was this virtual stranger - I'd hardly met her four times in my life - filming me while I was doing my own thing at a personal training facility? It was really quite perplexing!
So, the notorious eight-year-old, who shall remain nameless (but his initials are O.S.), was leaving me in the dust when it came to the video game we were playing. Of course, his mother was quick to point that out. In her mind, if coaches want to prepare youngsters for college athletics, they must set a higher bar for themselves than their young players. Seriously, her son was eight! I mean, I'm pretty sure he wasn't even running in a straight line when he was on the track. He was probably zig-zagging around the field, laughing and having a good time, while his older sibling was trying to practice. Sheesh!
Oh, the naivety! I can't believe I never noticed that the kid was still a newbie. I mean, it's totally understandable that I wouldn't pay too much attention to the other runners on the track - I'm too busy focusing on myself, after all. My boss was so calm yet so firm when he told Karen that my athletic talents weren't her problem to worry about and that the head coaches were in charge of making sure everyone was being treated fairly. He made sure she knew that her son wouldn't be affected by me being there. Bless his heart!
But Karen didn't just leave it there- no, she had to take it one step further and suggest that my being out of shape was the reason why I'd been off work so much lately. Now, I suppose technically, it is connected, considering I was in the hospital last week! But she was still harping on the fact that the coaches hadn't changed or taken any time off and that I was still one of the most skilled in my field- which, really, was not something she had to worry about! I mean, it's not like I was doing the splits or anything!
She enquired if there was another person she could chat to, but he informed her that he was the creator and founder of this scheme, so, not really. I was aware that my boss was deliberately refraining from saying what had happened to me or even suggesting a medical difficulty to safeguard my privacy. However, I assumed perhaps being frank with her would demonstrate to her how ridiculous she was being—and keep her tuition fees in our program.
When I told my boss that I needed time to heal, my colleague had the nerve to chime in and say, "Maybe you should fire me until I'm feeling better and bring in a fresh, lively coach to take my place, since my son needs someone who can keep up with him!" Well, my boss appreciated my effort, but he made it clear that we weren't going to follow through with that suggestion - no matter how sick I was - in order to avoid having to disclose coaches' personal info in the future. All I can say is it's a good thing I'm feeling better because I would've been pretty annoyed if I had to stay home for too long!
That mama bear was not happy! She was convinced that she should be in the mix on why people take time off or what their health status may be, but the coach kept trying to explain that the program handles that and makes the right decisions. After attempting to explain, the coach finally had to tell her that he had to get back to the field and back to her son and all the other kids. She started walking away, but not before she made it clear that she still wasn't satisfied and that she would not be recommending us to any other parents. We were all like, "oh boy, here we go!
Hey there, aspiring scout spies! Wanna get the scoop on family culture and team interaction? Well, here's a pro tip for ya: this is NOT the way to do it! Our poor coach was just trying to do their job when all of a sudden, they were ambushed by a sneaky scout spy. In response, the coach sternly warned them that if they were ever caught surveilling or harassing any staff members again, they would be kicked out of the program...FOREVER! So, just remember, if you want to get the low-down on family culture and team interaction, it's best to do it in an appropriate and respectful manner. Otherwise, you might just get yourself permanently banned!
No games, no practices, no team-bonding activities, no hanging around the facilities, and no mercy! It was truly rewarding. Her son was just an ordinary chap, and I'm delighted that the punishment was to get rid of the mum rather than taking away his opportunity to have a blast playing sports. Thus, off we went afterward to have a marvelous, fun, and secure practice. Woohoo!
Oh boy, this one was a doozy! I mean, I'd still rather unsee that video of me running – like, I'm sure I looked like a chicken with its head cut off. But I'm so glad I had the support of my fellow staff members! I guess it's true what they say: 'when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade... and then you leave Karen in the dust!' All jokes aside, this was actually a really nice reminder that I can get through anything with a little help from my friends. So, I'm gonna keep trucking on and keep my chin up! Here's to a better tomorrow!
53. A calculated move
In one of my old gigs, I slung coffee like a pro! I was really feeling it, and the regulars were a dream team. Then one time, the till had a hiccup, and we had to resort to a pen-and-paper process to take orders. We even managed to figure out the change with a calculator, so things were going swimmingly.
Oh great, just great. Everything was going swimmingly until this literal monster of a customer strutted in. She started bombarding me with her order, and I had to write it all down as quickly as I could whilst simultaneously confirming the prices on the menu. But, as if that wasn't enough, she had the nerve to tut at me in disapproval as I was doing so. Even worse, she had the gall to tap on the broken till and ask why I wasn't using it as if it was the most logical thing in the world. WHAT?!
I pointed to the sign next to them, sweetly and calmly, as if I was explaining something to a small child. I said, as nicely as if I had just won the lottery, that we were using pen and paper, etc. Then, like a teenager who just got grounded, she looked up to the sky and rolled her eyes. She said her order with a slow and oh-so-superior tone as if she was Queen of the World. After taking her order, I paused for a moment to take it all in and repeated it back to her because it was a lot of stuff to remember. That apparently was too much for them, like asking an elephant to do a jigsaw puzzle.
She responded with an exasperated, "Ugh, I'm in such a rush, and you're taking FOREVER!" I quickly apologized and tried to explain that I was only making sure her order was perfect. But she kept on huffing and sighing as I fumbled with the calculator to total up her order. Finally, she spat out, "Why do you even have a calculator? It's obvious you didn't finish math, or else you wouldn't be working here!" I wanted to laugh, but I knew better.
I was so angry that I threw the crumpled-up paper into the bin next to me and said, “Another member of staff will be with you to help you shortly,” with a steely glare. I then marched to the staff area and told my manager what had happened, expecting them to follow me out there and give the customer a piece of their mind. But, to my surprise, they told me to relax and said that they would take care of it. If I had only been brave enough, I would have taken that balled-up paper and shoved it in her face. I mean, who does she think she is? I have zero tolerance for people like that.
54. An unwelcome visitor
Oh boy, I thought I was gonna get the house to myself and have a good ol' time, but oh no, there had to be someone knocking on the door at 3 am. So there I was, standing in nothing but my underwear, wondering what on earth could be going on. I was all like, "What the heck is happening? Is this a dream? Is this for real?". I was about to find out soon enough, but until then, all I could do was buckle up and prepare myself for this bumpy ride.
I'm standing there, barely dressed, and I hear a knock on the door. I scramble to get my clothes on, and I answer it. It was a family acquaintance with her already annoyingly whiny little brat. She's also visibly pregnant, and, in hindsight, we'll get to why that part was important in a moment. I'm looking at her, trying to remain calm, and I say: "Hey, what's going on?" She replies, "My car broke down and the tow company can't come to get it until tomorrow. Do you think me and my kid can stay here for the night?
Me: Of course, you can crash in the living room. After I let them in, I asked if she wanted a beverage, and I trudged off to get the coffee she requested. As I was getting it, I spotted the tiny rascal picking up my controller. Me: Hey there, little dude, please put that down. Her: Oh, can't he just play a game? Me: No way, Jose! I'm in the middle of something, and besides, he probably wouldn't even understand the rules of the game.
Her: But he reeealllly wants to, don’t you? Him: I WANT TO PLAY!!!! Me: No, you can’t play. Him: I WANT TO PLAY I WANT TO PLAY I WANT TO PLAAAAAAAAAAAAAY AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. He then throws the controller at the TV, shattering the screen like it was made of glass, and the sound of the breaking glass filled the room. Me: HOLY COW! What on earth was that?! I rush over to the TV and see the poor, broken screen. Her: Hey! Don’t you yell at my child! Me: YOU JUST LET HIM DESTROY MY TV LIKE THIS. Her: You’re the one who didn’t let him play the video game.
Me: I said a big fat NO, and your little munchkin needs to learn that the world doesn't owe him anything. Her: Oh, you cheeky monkey! I'm going to call your mother ASAP and tell her about your rudeness. Me: Well, I'm not planning on having kids, but if I did, I wouldn't let them be little spoiled monsters! Her: YOU are the one acting like a brat here! Just go get a new telly and quit bellyaching!
Me: Yeah, yeah, I'll get a brand-new television with all the moola you'll hand over for the broken one. Her: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I'm the one who got stuck with the blame! Me: Well, look here, missy, it's time for you and your rugrat to pack up and scram. Her: What's gotten into you? I'm preggers, I've got a toddler, and I have nowhere to go! You can't just kick us out in the middle of the night when it's freezing outside!
Me: OH, ABSOLUTELY, YOUR HIGHNESS! Please graciously exit my humble abode before I dial the authorities! She scooped up her little terror and headed for the door: Just you wait until I tell your mother about this! Me: Oh, I will happily share the delightful tale of how the cherub smashed the television and that you refused to pay for it! Her: You will live to regret this! Thankfully, she did eventually leave, but not before she had made her point.
The following morning, I rang my parents up to let 'em know about the unfortunate incident. They were quite understanding, seeing as how I was not brought up to be a bratty little punk. My mom even threatened to take this girl to small claims court if she refused to pay us back the five hundred dollars for the new TV. But of course, the poor soul tried to pull the 'woe is me' card, which definitely didn't work! In the end, she coughed up the cash, and then we cut off all contact with her. So there you have it, folks - another classic example of 'Don't Mess with Mama Bear'!
55. Delivering in style
One day, my life at the shipping store was taken to a whole new level. I encountered a Karen - the queen of complaints - who challenged me to ship some stuff to Iraq. Now, as a typical Karen, her demeanor was anything but pleasant - she just had to be difficult about the price and every other tiny detail. But I finally managed to get the measly $20 worth of rubbish shipped off.
A few weeks later, who should show up at the store but the same Karen, this time, with her knickers in a twist? She demanded to see the boss like her word was law or something. Boy, if looks could kill, I would have turned to dust right then and there!
She started to give me an earful about how I had sent the package to the completely wrong place and how we had charged her way too much. Her issue was that she wanted to send it to a military base, which should have resulted in a ridiculously reduced price. My boss shot her a glance and silenced her with just a few words: “Ma’am, how do you expect my employee to know the precise coordinates of a random place in Iraq unless you gave it to him as the delivery address?!”
Karen was absolutely astonished, and after a few moments of complete shock and awe, she stuttered that she would call the local news. She never followed through on this and the other things that she threatened to do. She didn't even have the guts to leave a nasty comment on Google.
56. Fun for the whole family
Ahhh, the good ol' days. A couple of years ago, when I was a mere lad of 17, I would take a break from my summer shenanigans to lend a helping hand at my grandpa's restaurant. This little eatery was situated on the lower level of our family abode in an itsy-bitsy village of just 30 souls. My great-grandparents lived on the upper floor, and my great-grandma and granny were the chefs while my granddad and great-grandpa served the customers. It was quite the scene!
It was teeny-tiny! There were just eight measly tables inside and if the weather was feeling generous, two extra tables were set outside. The place doubled as a bar, so it was filled with quirky locals who had already retired and had plenty of time on their hands. They'd spend their days playing cards and sipping drinks, so even though it was a teensy-tiny location, in summer it was usually bustling with people!
Well, folks, you heard it here first! My great-grandparents were something special, they founded a restaurant in 1941, and it became quite the famous hotspot! People from all over used to flock there in the summertime - four or five groups of tourists every week! And why were my great-grandparents so successful? Was it the quality of their food? The ambiance of their establishment? The prices?
No, no, it was none of these things! It was because they were just so darn lovable! It was the love and care that made this restaurant so successful - and it's the same spirit that I'm trying to keep alive to this day.
My beloved brother and I were assigned to the task of being the waiters at our parents' restaurant. We were the only ones with knowledge of languages other than Spanish which was our native language. We were quite the hardworking duo as our shift went from a grueling 12 o'clock in the noon to a tiring 10:30 in the evening. The kitchen was open from 1 pm to 3 pm and from 7:30 pm to 9 pm. We only served one menu which was a combination of a starter, two main courses, and dessert, and for drinks, you had the option of choosing between cider and water.
It was 16 o'clock, which meant all the hungry-hungry hippos had finished their meal and were now engaged in a lively discussion while sipping on their mugs of java or their pints of porter. Meanwhile, my dear grandparents and great-grandparents were still tucking into their grub, probably waiting for everyone else to finish before they could start their post-dinner banter. As for me and my bro, we had been assigned the task of making sure no one was 'thirsty for more', so we were on hand to top up their drinks whenever required!
Suddenly, we heard a car outside, and I could hear a loud woman speaking in English. As soon as they walked in, it was pandemonium! She exclaimed, "We would like to grab a table, X from the Y Hotel said this was a great spot to get some grub!" I apologetically replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but the kitchen is closed since it's getting late." She snapped back, "Yes, it's late because we got lost in these blasted roads! Is it too much to ask for proper signs? Plus, we've got a famished little one here!
Me: *Shaking my head in disbelief* Oh wow, I'm so sorry to hear that. I'm so sorry that this has happened. Let me see if I can do something to help. So I scurried inside and sheepishly explained the situation to my grandma. She, being the wise one she is, said to me: "Don't worry, everything is prepared, and all that needs to be done is just to heat up the food! So why don't you just go and take care of those people?". Then I heard the other person asking: "Well, are you going to give us a table or not? If the kitchen is closed, how is it that those people are eating?". And I just had to laugh because I was like: "Oh wow, what a silly question!
At that point, she rudely pointed her finger at my grandpa. I thought she was acting like that because she was hangry (that's a combination of 'hungry' and 'angry', for those of you who don't know). I wasn't used to dealing with rude people, as most tourists were usually really courteous. So, I tried to make light of the situation, and I said with a chuckle, "Well, those are the owners, so they can eat whenever they want. But don't worry, I've asked them, and you can eat too, let me show you to your table."
I lead my guests to the table, and with a theatrical flourish, informed them that there was only one menu - to which they responded with a look that could only be described as 'befuddled'. I presented them with the bread and placed a bottle of water on the table. Then, they began to chow down on the bread with such ferocity that I was certain my theory of 'they are only being rude because they are hungry' must have been true. Boy, was I wrong!
As soon as I presented the starter, the dad was already jumping at the chance to get his hands on the Wi-Fi password.
Him: Hey! It looks like there's a Wi-Fi network here; what's the password?
Me: Yes, there is one. But I'm afraid the Wi-Fi is strictly for staff use. (We had a very slow connection that my grandpa used to read his newspapers, and my brother and I used it to send WhatsApp to our pals).
Him: That's preposterous! We are paying customers, so we should have access to your Wi-Fi!
Me (trying to contain my laughter): I'm sorry sir, but Wi-Fi is the one thing we can't provide you with!
Mom: "Of course, our cherubic little sweetheart wants to watch their favorite videos! Unfortunately, we seem to have a major technological deficiency here, as there is no internet access available!" Me: "I'm sorry, but as I have said, this is for personal use only." Mom: "That's simply not right! This would be totally unacceptable in America!" Me: "Well, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we are not in America. As soon as the mother uttered those words, the kid let out a loud yelp and started sprinting around the restaurant, making a ruckus with their stomping feet and hollering at the top of their lungs!
My great-grandpa came up to me with a confused look and asked me what was going on, so I decided to give him the lowdown on the situation. He then asked me to politely translate what he was about to say, so I obliged and sweetly said, "Please, ma'am, could you control your child, or I'm afraid I'll have to ask the three of you to leave." She, of course, was not having it and snapped back, "HOW DARE YOU TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY CHILD, YOU DINOSAUR!" Her father then jumped in and yelled, "STAY AWAY FROM MY CHILD, YOU OLD CREEP!" By this point, everyone in the vicinity was just standing there, gaping in disbelief at these two absolute lunatics.
I pause for a moment and decide to take the plunge and tell my great-grandpa the bad news. I brace myself for the worst, expecting a stern response. To my surprise, he turns around and beckons two burly men to his side. "Hey, you two! I want you to take this family out of my restaurant!" he exclaimed. I quickly realized that these two men were, in fact, police officers, and so I urgently warned the family that if they didn't leave, these officers would be escorting them out.
Those two men seemed to think they were above the law, and they had the audacity to stay until we served them! After a few failed attempts to convince them to leave, the officers finally stood up and showed them their plaques. The men, realizing that they'd been caught, reluctantly agreed to leave, but not before they reminded the officers that they had their car parked in front of the garage, blocking it. At that point, the officers decided to ask for their rental car papers, take a few pictures, and give them a hefty fine for blocking a private property garage. Talk about a bad day!
57. Discounting it
A doctor strutted into the store a few days ago, bearing a bag full of clothes like a hero from the battlefield. She asked if we had discounts for healthcare workers, and we had to break it to her that it was only for military personnel, teachers, and students. She was so enraged that steam practically blasted out of her ears! She defiantly declared that doctors worked much harder than teachers and deserved more discounts than them. With that, she dramatically threw her bag of clothes onto the counter and stormed out of the store - it was a sight to see!
In my eyes, it was beyond rude and insanely ignorant to expect that a well-paid doctor should get a discount over teachers who are severely underpaid. If she could strut into our store and blow $300 on clothes and also have other shopping bags in tow, I seriously doubt she needed a discount. But it only got worse. She had the nerve to say, “Well, who was working hard during the pandemic? Yeah, doctors! That’s right”. As if her wealth was the result of her own hard work and not due to the fact that the doctors and healthcare professionals were risking their lives to keep us safe. Unbelievable!
It's certainly true that she was well-compensated for her work, but it really boggles my mind that she had the audacity to criticize teachers for receiving discounts. After all, teachers do an incredible job imparting their knowledge to the next generation, including potential doctors, and yet they are not compensated nearly enough for their hard work. So it's no wonder that they get discounts - it's the least that businesses can do to show their appreciation. Honestly, it's a wonder she didn't stick her foot in her mouth with her comments!
58. Adults only
I recently had the pleasure of attending the wedding of a colleague, an event that was strictly reserved for adults. The intimate ceremony took place in a quaint little church, with only the bride and groom's closest family and friends in attendance. However, the reception was a grand affair, with over two hundred and fifty guests, all of whom were looking beautiful in their finest outfits. The venue was a luxurious hotel ballroom, with shimmering crystal stemware and expensive tablecloths that made it clear that children were definitely not welcome!
Approximately thirty minutes into the grandiose reception, the crowd erupted with a flurry of commotion that had everyone's heads a-turnin'. The source of the drama? An entitled mother who was having an almighty argument with the wedding planner. Now, being the nosy parker that I am, I inched my way closer to listen in to the ruckus. It turns out the lady had brought her four little munchkins along to the event - despite the invitations clearly stating 'Adults Only.' The nerve of some people!
The pompous mama was adamant that her children - the eldest appearing to be a regal eight years old and the teeniest barely having celebrated their first birthday - were absolutely immaculate in their behavior, hence allowing them to gain entry should be of no concern. As the clock struck 7:30, the planner was desperately clinging to her sanity, refusing to concede to the mother's demands. In an attempt to attract the bride, the mommy let loose a thunderous yell, hoping it would suffice to get her and her children inside. Sadly, it did not.
The bride made her way over to the mother and, with a saccharine smile, said, "Well, I'd love to have you in, but I'm afraid your little ones will have to stay out here." She then spun around, her wedding gown trailing behind her, and made her way back to her groom. The disgruntled momma, who no doubt had already had a stressful day, let out a roar of frustration and began to throw peanuts at the groomsmen. But, despite the peanut bombardment, these brave men remained steadfast and, without hesitation, walked the woman and her children to the door.
59. Rules for the others
My store had recently been closed for in-store shopping and unfortunately, we hadn't quite gotten around to setting up a proper click-and-collect system yet. Our current system is quite a primitive one - it merely sends us an email, and then we call the customer to confirm their order. Well, somehow, on Saturday, just thirty minutes before closing time, we got a call from a customer. I was determined not to let them down, so I rushed around like a madman to squeeze their order in at the very last minute!
She screamed "Ugh, whatever!" and disconnected the call with my manager. We responded to her as quickly as possible and managed to get her order sorted within an hour. When she arrived at the store on Saturday to pick up her order, she seemed to completely ignore all the signs we had put up to remind everyone to call the store for pick-ups amid the COVID pandemic. Instead, with no regard for social distancing, she decided to climb over the barriers and knock on the door of the store. Unfortunately, I happened to be on the phone with a customer at the time, and my poor coworker was nowhere to be seen.
When she did it again today, I gestured for her to call us. She called, and then when I collected her order and opened the door, she laid into me about how rude I was being. I countered, “I think it was rather rude of you to ignore all our signs and barriers and knock on the door”. She got very upset and yelled at me about how she was never coming back. “You’ll be lucky to have a job tomorrow,” she threatened.
60. If you know, you know
Ahh, the joys of summer break! It's the perfect time to soak up some sun, explore nature, and...get a summer job, according to my parents. Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful that I'm allowed to keep all the money I earn and that they just want me to gain some experience. However, I feel like I should add a disclaimer about my size here. I'm not a tiny gal. I'm not huge either - I'm 5'6", and I weigh about 140-145 lbs. - but I definitely carry most of it in my hips and thighs. Hey, I guess if I'm hired as a bouncer at a club, I'm already halfway to the job!
After finishing my last online final, I was so ready to take a break. But then my dad called, and I was like, “Oh no, what now!?” But it turns out it was actually good news! His friend texts him, saying they were looking for girls to work in the office, and I was so excited I could hardly contain myself. I mean, it was the perfect job for me! So, I put on my fanciest dress, printed off a copy of my résumé, and drove down there like a bat out of hell. Of course, I had to get there fast because I didn’t want the freshman 15 to slow me down. After all, I used to be 120ish, and I wasn’t about to let a few extra pounds get in my way!
As I was filling out the application, I had an inkling that this job was looking for a certain "pretty face" to sit behind the counter and chat with customers. I mean, come on, we're in the South! I'm sure everyone has heard the saying "Southern hospitality" right? But I was so desperate for a job that I didn't mind too much.
Then, just as I was finishing up my application, a very entitled mom and her teenage daughter sauntered in. I was like, "Oh, great! Now I'm gonna have to compete with this lovely young lady for the job!
The lady announced that she had shown up to check out the job opening and that her daughter wanted to submit an application. The receptionist gave her an application form and a pen, and they both proceeded to sit right beside me, which I thought was a bit strange, but I decided not to say anything. Suddenly, the lady turns to me and asks, "Are you here for the job as well?" With a slightly cocky tone, I replied, "Yes, ma'am." She made a little 'hmph' sound, as you know, the kind of sound people make when they're feeling a bit smug. I chose to ignore her and walked up to the receptionist to ask about the application form.
When I plonked myself back in my seat, the mother strode up to the desk like she owned the place. Mom: “Do I even need to bother with all this paperwork?” Receptionist: “Erm, protocol, I'm afraid. The boss will take a gander at all the applications and figure out who to call for an interview.” Mom: “Is he here? I'm sure if he saw my daughter, he'd know instantly who he wanted to call, ha ha!”
Receptionist: “Yes, he is here, but unfortunately, he's not taking visitors at the moment.” Mom: “But how is he supposed to choose who to hire if he doesn't even get to see what the girls look like?” Receptionist: “Well, he will need to read their references and make a few calls before he—” Mom: “No way! My daughter is a blossoming model. She won [insert local pageant] in 2019. He needs to lay his eyes on her to know that she's the face he wants to see behind the counter interacting with customers”.
Receptionist: "Well, I'm a little perplexed. This isn't exactly a job where being attractive is a requirement.” Mom: “Oh, I beg to differ! Of course, being physically attractive plays a role! Plus, your boss probably wouldn't want an overweight girl at the front desk, now would he?” The daughter, who had been snickering at me as she filled out her application, now had a huge grin on her face.
This caught the attention of the second receptionist and myself, and we both lifted our heads to take a gander. The other receptionist said in a perplexed tone, “Umm, I’m not exactly sure what you’re getting at, ma’am.” My mother replied with a sly smirk, “Oh, no offense intended. I just happen to know the boss personally, and I know that he would prefer a fresh face around the office. I may be partial, but I think there’s no contest between my daughter and…let’s just say, this young lady. No hard feelings, sweetheart. I’m just trying to save you some trouble.”
At this point, I was bawling my eyes out. I don't know if it was fury or the hurtful words that came out of her mouth, but either way, I wanted to make sure she didn't get the satisfaction of seeing me cry, so I hastily jumped up and with tears streaming down my face, handed my application to the first receptionist before making a run for it.
But then the second receptionist (who was a plus-sized woman) said, "Wait for a minute, sweetheart" (in a sweet tone towards me) and then (in a much more stern tone) turning to my mom said, "You say you know the boss personally, right?
Mom: “Oh, yes, we went to high school together.”
Second receptionist: “And you know him so well that you know he’d prefer a skinny woman behind this desk?”
Mom: “Well, I didn’t say that, but I’d assume so.”
This is when the hammer dropped down.
Second receptionist: “Great. Well, I’m his wife, and I’ve worked behind this desk for almost 15 years now, and as you can see, I could probably drop a few, and I take personal offense to what you’re saying about my husband and this young lady, so I’d like you to wait in the car while your daughter fills out her application”.
Mom: “Oh, yes, we went to high school together.”
Second receptionist: “And you know him so well that you could guess he’d like a skinny woman to sit behind this desk?”
Mom: “Well, I didn’t say that, but I’d assume so.”
This is when the guillotine dropped down.
Second receptionist: “Fantastic. Well, I’m his wife, and I’ve been the one in charge of this desk for almost 15 years now, and as you can see, I could probably shed a few pounds, and I take personal offense to what you’re implying about my husband and this young lady, so I’d like you to wait in the car while your daughter fills out her application”.
In a flash, both the mom and the daughter whizzed out of the room, with the daughter taking her application, so I'm not sure if she'll go through with it or not. But, the two ladies behind the counter told me that the mom was a wicked witch, and they'd sing my praises to the boss, so I'm hopeful that I got the job! *fingers crossed*
61. Dog days
Oh, the memories! Several years ago, I was an incredibly talented dog trainer at a world-renowned pet supply store. Not only did I train the pooches, but I also had to do a hundred other things that had nothing to do with my job description. Can you believe it? I had to work the cash register and stock shelves, and help the customers find what they were looking for. But the worst part? The store was a hotbed of Karens - you know, the type of person who's never satisfied no matter how hard you try. It was absolute madness every day!
Ah, the memories of working at the store! Big, white suburban neighborhoods all around, which meant that the hordes of Karens descended upon us like an army of locusts on Vet Day. We had partnered with a local vet service to offer cheap and quick walk-in vet checkups for vaccinations and other services, and let me tell you; it was not a pleasant experience. Those Karens had more questions than the vet had answers, and it was the worst work day of the entire week!
This week, the store was so jam-packed you'd think it was a bacon sale! The line of customers snaked its way through the entire store, and we have crowned the busiest store in the neighborhood. It seemed like everyone was asking me questions at the same time, dogs were literally using the floor as their toilet, and kids were running around with dog toys. It was absolute chaos! I was scurrying around like a headless chicken, trying to manage five tasks at once and somehow still finding the time to prepare for a dog training class. Can you believe it? Yippee.
As I made my way from the vet station with a satisfied customer, I saw her. She was the perfect picture of trouble, with her dark tan, shoulder-length straight hair, sunglasses, and two small kids in tow. She looked ready to go toe-to-toe with the Hulk himself, so I steeled myself before I started to say, “How can I help you, ma'am…or should I say, Thor?”
She suddenly stopped me mid-sentence with a loud and resounding "DOGS!" Her eyes were shining with excitement, and I was totally perplexed. I asked her, "Dog…toys? Dog…food?" but she just shouted out at me again, "WHERE ARE YOUR DOGS?!" It took a second for her words to register and for me to realize that she was actually asking if we sold dogs! I mean, I guess it makes sense - she was a bit of a canine enthusiast, after all!
I was ready for a showdown, and I was just about to inform the lady that we don't sell puppies when suddenly, it looked like a tornado hit the store. She started cursing and screaming like a wild banshee, dragging her kids behind her as she ran out. Boy, did I ever dodge a bullet that time! I mean, if we did sell dogs, I don't think I would've been able to handle all of that!
She then thundered out the door, leaving me feeling like I had been bulldozed by her words. This all happened in an unthinkably short period of time - I'm pretty sure it's a Guinness World Record for the fastest verbal assault ever. After the dust settled, I realized that the only sensible thing to do was to hightail it out of there and take my break before the next class.
62. Taking a bow
Ah, the days when I worked at a humble beauty supply store in the deep south. We sold all sorts of products, including those little clip-in hairpieces. One day, a family of four came in, and while the mum and dad were busy perusing the products in the first aisle, the two little girls had been running wild, causing all sorts of mischief and making a huge racket. I mean, why have children if you're not gonna keep an eye on them? I guess they must have figured that the store workers were just there to clean up after them!
It was the day of the big truck, and I was hauling my shopping cart (also known as a 'buggy' by some local folks) full to the brim with shelves to be stocked. I made a quick trip to the stock room, and when I returned a mere 30 seconds later, I spotted one of the tiny tots pushing my cart around the corner of the aisle! Absolutely outrageous! I knew I should have put a lock on that thing.
She was standing on her tiptoes, seeing only the handle of the basket, and yet, still determined to get a better view. As I got closer, I heard her say to her mom, “Mom, can I please have this?” To which, her mom responded, “Put that back where you found it!” However, this did not deter the kid, as she had already turned the basket around, and with a mischievous glint in her eye, she pushed it towards me and exclaimed, “Hey, Ma'am, are you lookin’ for yer buggy?”
I was just trying to help and I said, "Hey, you don't need to be getting into that." And then, out of nowhere, it was like the momzilla had arrived! She came stomping around the corner, telling me off for speaking to her kid, even though the kid had just gone through a full-on obstacle course, slipping and sliding all over the place! I mean, it was a good thing she was on the other side of the store, or else she might have been even more upset!
I was minding my own business, stocking shelves, when all of a sudden, this mother came up to me and started harping on about safety concerns. I mean, come on, how unsafe could stocking shelves be? I thought to myself. But I managed to keep my cool and just smiled and nodded.
Then she asked me to help her match the color of her hair to the various hairpieces they had. I was like, what? But I had no choice but to help her out and so I did my best to pick out the one that matched her hair. I could hear her telling her husband that it was the one she wanted. \
I was so relieved when she finally rounded up her kids and headed over to the register. And I was so glad to get back to stocking shelves again, where it's nice and safe!
When she got to the checkout, the hairpiece that she put on the counter was a different one than what I had seen her discussing. I was absolutely flabbergasted! I asked her about it, and she indicated that the other one was more than she could afford, so she was just window shopping. I was so amused by the situation that I couldn't help but chuckle. I rang her out, and they left. The next day, I got to work, and the opening clerk said, “I got one of your customers today.” I thought, 'Oh boy, here we go again!'. The customer must have had a change of heart and decided to get the more expensive hairpiece after all. I guess people really do have an unlimited capacity for shopping!
I was like, "Really?! Yikes!" I mean, it's not like I get customer complaints all the time, but that week it seemed like I was gettin' complaints from all sides. Apparently, someone had come into the store while I was off, saying that I was 'rude.' Turns out, they had been trying to make off with some goods without paying, and when I stopped them, they got mad and tried to make a fuss - which I totally get, but still. And then, when my coworker told me, the look on their face made it clear I was in for a real rollercoaster ride.
I turned to my co-worker and asked, “Have you ever seen me be rude to a customer?” She shook her head and responded, “Nope, you’re always really sweet.” Then she leaned in and whispered, “But according to them, you’re a real monster!” Just then, the door flew open, and in walked the Hairpiece Lady and her offspring. I knew that this was going to be a wild ride. She launched into me about how she had come to return the hairpiece that she had bought the day before. I just stood there, smiling and trying to look as non-threatening as possible.
Well, to begin with, we had no intention of accepting returns on hairpieces. However, when my colleague attempted to process the return, it became apparent that the item she was attempting to return was not the same as the one I had previously rung up. Thus, my colleague asked her to come back during my shift so I could help out with the whole debacle. To put it frankly, we were in a pickle and needed my expertise!
This woman whipped out the item she was hoping to take back, and it was completely different from the one I sold her - it was actually the one I heard her telling her husband she wanted! Plus, it was in a different box. When I pointed this out, she went absolutely bonkers, screeching at me and demanding to know if I was calling her a liar. What a hoot!
She also began to menacingly hint at the possibility of physical harm while one of her beloved children had crept back around the sales counter where I was standing and was desperately trying to get my attention and join in on the fun. I was entirely ignoring the girl. However, she continued to pat me on the hip. I quickly spun round and sternly declared, “Keep your hands off me!” in a tone that indicated I wasn't to be trifled with!
Then, my mind flashed back to the previous day's fiasco, and I tried to keep a stiff upper lip, plastering on a smile that was more sugar than spice. Through my clenched teeth and in the most chipper voice I could muster, I said, “My deepest apologies, but could you kindly ask your little one not to grab me and also kindly remove her from behind the counter? It's not a safe place for her to be.” Her response was essentially a growl, “Finally, that's more like it.”
She bellowed a royal decree to her child, then made it abundantly apparent that she would return in sixty minutes to perpetuate her rule of fear. Not long after she left, our store manager came in ahead of schedule for his late shift. We filled him in on the recent events. When the woman came back, as luck would have it, I was in the storeroom. By the time she realized I was missing, it was too late! I had escaped her tyrannical clutches!
My manager slammed the stock room door shut with a stern face and a booming voice that shook the walls. "Under no circumstances are you to budge from this spot!" she said. I could only hear bits and pieces from outside the door, so I have no idea what happened. All I could gather was that we must have given her a refund for something, which was probably better than involving corporate, who would have undoubtedly given her the refund. I'm sure she was happy about that!
I was standing in the store, minding my own business when I heard a woman's voice bellowing from across the store. "Go get her and bring her out here. I am going to snatch her up and..." my manager, who is usually the sweetest and most respectable person ever, interjected with a firm and resolute tone that I had never heard before, "You will NOT lay a hand on my employee!" I was so shocked I couldn't hear the rest of the exchange. I mean, seriously, my manager had some serious fire in her!
My coworker was totally shocked. We all felt pretty impressed with our manager's ability to be stern when the situation called for it. Everyone agreed that if I had been rude to a 'customer' then it was likely because they were attempting to do some unlawful thievery! It was a funny moment for all of us, and we all left with a renewed respect for our boss and his tough-as-nails attitude.
63. In the dog house
Ah, the life of a twenty-year-old dog groomer! I have had the same job for almost five years now, and let me tell you - it has been quite an adventure!
The most important thing when it comes to dog grooming is reputation, quality, and time management. You have to be on the ball! Yesterday, we were expecting a young woman to come in at 10:00 to try out as a dog groomer. She was a promising candidate - 23 or 25 years old and had worked as a dog groomer at other places. I could tell she was going to be pretty good - assuming she wasn't late for her own job interview, of course!
She finally showed up at 4:30 but didn't even have the courtesy to call and let us know. Apparently, she had a hair appointment, and some out-of-town friends had come in, so they got their nails done. She had the audacity to ask if she could still do the grooming, but I had to tell her no. When she tried to press the issue, I made it clear that there was absolutely no need for her to reschedule her 'try-out,' and I may have sounded like a bit of a jerk for saying it.
I trudged back to the grooming salon to get my last two pooches sorted out. Apparently, the girl I had been dealing with was in tears, and I was starting to feel a bit guilty. Then came the dreaded entitled mother. She swept into the parlor that morning, expecting us to grant her daughter a second chance. I told her plainly, “Look, your daughter was an enormous six and a half hours late, which simply isn't acceptable in the professional world of dog grooming.” The mother immediately shot back, “Oh, but she was with friends! I'd have thought someone of your age would understand the importance of friendship.” What a cheek!
I was absolutely livid! I had five furry friends to groom, and this woman had the nerve to come in and try and make my life difficult. She had the gall to not even call and make an appointment! When I told her this, she had the audacity to say, "Well, there was no reason to make her cry!" I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that I was the head dog groomer here, and I said, "No, ma'am, I disagree. There's no way we can give her another shot. She'll have to go somewhere else". Then, as if she hadn't already made enough of a scene, she huffed and puffed and said that her daughter was "too good" for our establishment. I thought to myself, "Well, maybe it's a good thing she's leaving then!" and went back to work.
64. Meet ugly
Ahoy, mateys! So a couple of days ago, I was workin' at me ol' Segway tour company, and let me tell ya, it's a right-fun gig! I get to ride around the city on a Segway, chat it up with people, and get paid to boot! So the other day, I come in 20 minutes early to make sure all my emails are answered and everything was ready to go. Then, like a pirate ship on the horizon, a mother-daughter duo shows up for the tour. Now that's when things get really interesting if ya know what I mean!
ME: Alright, so let's get this party started! I've got some waivers here for everyone to sign. Now, how old are you, sweetheart? D: Ummm, 16. ME: Perfect! You don't have to sign a waiver, then! *looking at the mom* I was just asking how old she was because if kids are younger than 18, then their parents would have to sign the waivers for them. But it looks like you're all good!
I was just trying to do my job, giving a tour and all, when this mom starts asking me all these questions about the daughter. Y'see, I'm usually pretty open and try to make conversation to keep the tour going, but this mom was really determined to get to know me, like, really well.
ME: ...and so this non-profit organization opened in--
MOM: Are you in college?
ME: Woah there, lady! No, I'm still a junior in high school. I mean, sure, I'm a pretty interesting person, and people usually love to hear my stories, but the tour is a bit too short for this kind of deep dive.
Oh wow, my daughter is a junior and an artist? My mom has been bragging about her non-stop since we started this tour! Everywhere we go, she finds someone to tell about my daughter's accomplishments and the poor girl gets redder and redder with embarrassment. It's like, can we not just enjoy the tour without you telling everyone about me? I'm sure they get it, Mom.
At the end of the tour, I had to tell them to go and explore the town for fifteen minutes while I stayed behind at the Segway place. I get it, Mom; I'm sure everyone here knows my daughter is an artist and a junior!
I get back to the shop and begin to prepare for the arrival of our guests. As soon as they roll in (on their shiny Segways, of course) I immediately start charging them up. Suddenly, the mum of one of my Segway tour-goers pulls me to one side and asks me, "So what do you think of my daughter?". Caught off guard, I stutter, "Pardon me, what?". She replies, "I saw you checking her out during the tour. Are you gonna ask her out?" Her daughter then interjects, "MOM, STOP!" I quickly respond, "Um, ma'am, I just recently got out of a relationship, and I'm really not looking for anything right now." Embarrassment washes over me as I realize I've been busted by the mother of one of my tour-goers!
MOM: WHAT?!? ME: *raising an eyebrow* You heard me. MOM: Are you saying my daughter isn't good enough for you!? ME: *trying not to laugh* No, that's not it. It's just that I just got out of a relationship. Then it all took a very wild turn. MOM: *eyes narrowing* You WILL date my daughter and that is FINAL! ME: *smirking* You can't make me do something I don't want to do. I'm not your kid, and if I don't want to date your daughter, I don't have to! Besides, you haven't even asked her if she wants to date me.
D: Yeah, I don't want to date him. ME: SEE?!? MOM: I'm going to call your boss and tell him about your terrible customer service! You're never going to work here again! ME: (pulling out my phone) Alright, so you want to call him and explain why you're trying to set me up on a date with your daughter and get me fired just because I said no? Ha, this is hilarious! I guess I have to update my resume now.
At that moment, it finally dawned on my mom what a ridiculous situation we were in, and her expression changed from absolute fury to a somewhat bewildered one.
MOM: Hang on a minute, maybe I'm not so sure I want to...
ME: Nope, let's do it! (I started scrolling through my contacts and pressed my boss' name). Let's have this awkward chat.
MOM: I don't think that's such a great plan-- (At which point, my phone began to ring).
Mummy dearest called out to her beloved daughter, "Let's hit the road, toot sweet!" The daughter, seemingly taken aback, spun around and exclaimed with a mix of shock and excitement, "Oh my! I'm terribly sorry!" She then scurried out of the door, desperately trying to keep up with her ever-so-determined mum.
Meanwhile, I quickly hung up the phone before my boss could answer and began tidying up the Segways with a whirlwind of speed.
65. Food not picture perfect
I once had the misfortune of going on a date with a woman called Karen. We began the evening with a pleasant conversation, but unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when her meal arrived. It turns out that Karen was incredibly picky about her food, and upon seeing the dish, she was absolutely outraged that it didn't look exactly like the picture in the menu. She demanded that the plate be sent back to the kitchen. Like the gentleman I am, I waited patiently for the replacement. Yet, to my bewilderment, the second plate was exactly the same as the first one. Karen flew into a disagreeable rage and demanded to speak to the manager. I figured it was a lost cause, so I decided to start tucking into my dinner instead. Safe to say, I didn't get a second date with Karen.
The manager strutted over to the table like an old-timey gunslinger and everyone in the restaurant was wondering what was going down. She completely unloaded on the poor guy! I quickly slapped a twenty on the table to cover my meal and discretely slipped the waitress a ten-spot with a subtle side of sorry. I escaped the chaotic scene as quickly as I arrived and never found out what happened. I drove to the restaurant, so I had no clue how the poor lass got home. As I left I made sure to hit the block button on her number.
66. Surf’s up
Arriving at the surf shack after my fifth and final hour-long class of the day, I was drenched in water and wet sand. I was tired, but I had one final mission before I could call it a day. I wanted to de-suit and jump in the ocean for a swim before I left the beach.
But as I stepped into the surf shack, I was greeted by three of my co-workers, whom I shall refer to fondly as Sam, Joe, and Mick. They were all just standing there, staring at me like I had grown an extra set of arms! It was almost as if they had been expecting me.
"Ah, here he is," Joe said with a smirk, "The wettest surf instructor on the beach!"
My cheeks went red, but I couldn't help but laugh. I suppose I had earned my title this day!
Names may have changed to Sam, but in real life, their name is just as gender-neutral! After I texted my boyfriend, and he confirmed he was only five short minutes away, I had already completed my duties for closing up. While Sam was busy placing the 'closed' sign on the door and securing the filing cabinet, Joe and Mick sorted out the wetsuits and put the boards back in their holders. So I thought I'd leave the boys to finish up while I'd go to the changing area to strip off my wetsuit!
I had just slipped into my tankini and was about to perform a world-renowned interpretive dance when I heard a voice that was so annoying, nasal, and distinctly American that I had to take a double take.
"EXCUSE ME? UH, HELLO? COULD I GET SOME SERVICE OVER HERE?"
The boys were too preoccupied to notice, so I quickly grabbed my skirt, threw it on, and hustled over to the door. To my surprise, it wasn't a typical 'Karen' standing there. She had long hair, a nice tan, and was wearing a bikini, a big beach hat, and a sarong around her waist. It was like looking at a walking vacation advertisement!
Her daughter was with her, looking like a Mini-Me version of her mom. She was probably around 10-12 years old, but not a peep was heard from her. I smiled and said, "Hi, can I help you?" To which the woman replied, "You could start by putting some clothes on. My tankini is covering about the same amount of skin as a one-piece would, aside from a strip of exposed skin by my waist." I thought to myself, well, that's a bit of an overreaction. I guess she must have been trying to teach her daughter a lesson, but I'm not sure what that lesson was. Maybe it was something like, 'Always be prepared to criticize someone’s wardrobe - you never know when it’ll come in handy!'
Ah yes, the age-old struggle of what one wears to the beach. I mean, let's be honest here. This woman was wearing a bikini, and I was over here in my tank top that *may* have had a slightly lower neckline than expected. But, hey, we were at the beach, right? I figured that some leniency would be granted.
So, as I was standing there in my tank top, I switched into my top-notch customer service mode and said, "My deepest apologies, ma'am." Then I yelled out to my friend Sam, "Hey, can you toss me my shirt, please?" Before I knew it, my shirt was flying through the air, and I quickly pulled it on. I then asked, "Is this better?" with a slight smirk on my face.
Her response? "Not really." Then, she had the audacity to ask if there was someone else who could take care of us. I mean, come on!
Me: *Chuckles* Sorry, my co-workers are a little busy right now. We’re shutting up shop. Woman: *Rolls eyes* Fine, I want to get my daughter signed up for classes tomorrow. I start jabbering away, explaining the availability slots, when we can cram her kid in, prices, and requirements. While I'm blabbering away, I'm gesticulating wildly with my hands and practically perching on the counter to point out some stuff on the sign-up sheet.
Woman (interrupting me with a look of disbelief): Oh my goodness gracious me! Don’t tell me you don’t have a sweatshirt. It’s the middle of summer, in a heatwave, on a beach! Me (trying to hide my amusement and clinging to my customer service smile): I’m sorry, ma'am, no, I don’t. Would you like me to continue, or should I get someone else to take over? Woman (looking exasperated): Is there no one else I could speak to? You’re making my daughter feel really self-conscious here.
I throw my hands up in the air and look around exasperatedly. "You're making me feel so embarrassed!" I exclaim. "It's summer, the beach; it's hot out here- what do you expect me to do? I don't have any other shirts! Everything that needs to be covered is covered, and if I'm being honest, you're not wearing much more than I am!"
Sam, wearing a t-shirt and denim shorts, notices the edge in my voice and realizes that I'm about to blow my top. He looks at me, and I nod, giving him the go-ahead to intervene. He then speaks up, saving me from further humiliation.
Sam: *with a cheeky grin* I'd be more than happy to help out, miss! My name is Sam, but I can see you've already figured that out. *pause* Wait a minute, you thought I was a girl? Sorry to burst your bubble, but last I checked, I'm all, man! *winks*
The woman then turns to me with a stern look and says, "Do you think it's appropriate to wander around like this with a young man nearby?" *gasping in mock surprise* Oh no, I'm so sorry! What would be the appropriate thing to do here, ma'am? Report me to HR? Well, it is a beach after all, and people wear less than this all the time. *smiles*
The woman, who was wearing a bikini, kept repeating that it was inappropriate. Meanwhile, Sam, who was trying to reason with her, came to the realization that, of course, this was a surf school! With all the commotion, Mick and Joe overheard the conversation and, not wanting to be left out, decided to come to their rescue. When they arrived, they were both wearing board shorts, flip-flops, and nothing else. But the most inappropriate thing of all was that they thought they'd be able to help!
Mick (sauntering up behind me with a cheeky grin): Oh! What's the hullabaloo? Joe (looking around with an equally mischievous expression): Need a hand with anything? Her eyes practically popped out of her head. She gave the three boys and me a look of sheer terror and disbelief. Woman (trying to compose herself): Erm, I was merely saying th- Me: She was telling me to get dressed! Mick (with a wink): Well, this is the beach, after all! If anything, you're wearing too many clothes!
The woman can see that her attempts to cast a spell and magically conjure up more clothing were in vain, and it was written on her face that she knew she wouldn't be able to convince the boys either. But then a lightbulb suddenly turned on in her empty head. Woman: Ok, so what were you four little scamps up to? Joe: We were just finishing up. Woman: I'm no fool (but I'm starting to think otherwise).
The woman just couldn't believe what she saw - Mick and I, standing in front of her wearing barely anything - and she was sure something was up.
Mick jokingly says to me, "Now, we've told you not to answer the door naked." I couldn't help but let out a giggle.
The woman gets all flustered and yells, "Don't you laugh at me, you little skank! I know what's going on here, you...perverts!" Poor Sam, who was gay and just trying to be a good friend, was in all-out, doubled over, peals of laughter. I guess the woman's outburst was just too funny!
The woman's daughter was beyond embarrassed, her face was practically aflame, and she was literally burying her face in her hands.
Sam, barely able to contain his mirth, managed to stammer out, "Y-you think... (but then he erupted into a fit of laughter, unable to finish his sentence).
The woman shook her head, her eyes twinkling, "Oh, come on, everyone always has to stick up for the office skank!"
Joe was laughing so hard he had to drop to the floor, clutching his stomach.
Mick had had enough, and with a mischievous grin, he said, "Alright, alright, now, if you don't mind, we were in the middle of something here, so either join in or get out!
My darling boyfriend made an appearance at the most opportune moment. He arrived just in time to witness the four of us - Joe, Sam, Mick, and me - in a fit of laughter while the woman looked like she wanted to kill us! The poor daughter was so embarrassed she was practically the color of a tomato, her face buried in her hands.
'Is everything alright here?' my boyfriend asked, with a hint of concern in his voice.
I responded by embracing him in a loving hug before having a stroke of genius - I pulled him in for a passionate kiss right in front of the woman! She let out an unholy screech, one that could only be heard by dogs, and huffed off in a fury, taking her daughter with her. We never heard from her again!
67. Another Karen bites the dust
My mother used to be a terrible Karen back in the day. She was never the worst, but if we ever went out for dinner and something wasn't up to her standards, she'd call back the waiter and make a huge fuss. Thankfully, she's seen the error of her ways, and now she's a saint to the waitstaff. These days if something isn't quite right, she'll be pleasant and ask for things to be fixed, like an angel!
It all began with me having the audacity to speak the truth - that her behavior made me want to stay inside and not go out for dinner. But then, she witnessed a member of her family behaving the same way, and it suddenly made sense: It was a trait she'd learned from her family. After that, she finally realized that he had been the one to ruin our night, and her attitude changed drastically, and now if things are going well, she's always sure to give compliments and be extra polite. Who knew being honest could have such a great outcome?
68. Taking me for a ride
As a single parent, I've had quite the journey. From the hardship of dealing with a deadbeat ex that tried to keep my beautiful daughter away from me to the expensive legal fees - it's been a wild ride! But all of my hard work paid off, and a couple of months ago, I was victorious - I finally got to have my darling girl back in my home in time for her fifth birthday in August. It's been a long road, but it was all worth it!
For the past few weeks, my little girl had been going on and on about wanting a bicycle, but as I had been dealing with the financial burden of lawyer bills, I wasn't able to make it happen. However, this past week, I got my summer bonus - yippee! - which gave me the financial freedom to make it happen. So yesterday, I finally gave my daughter the bike she wanted so desperately. We had the most wonderful time riding our bikes around, but eventually, it was time for dinner, and of course, I still had to make it!
So we journeyed back to our abode with our two-wheeled chariots in tow and parked 'em in the backyard. I scurried into the kitchen to whip up some grub, and after about ten minutes, I caught something out of the corner of my eye through the window. My heart sank faster than a lead balloon when I saw this little whipper-snapper sauntering by with my brand-new bike! I sprinted to the front door, desperately hoping to apprehend the teeny-tiny thief before they could ride away.
Oh boy, I was feeling pretty lucky after I snatched my bike from the intruder's hands. I was so mad that I was practically screaming at him, telling him that he had no right to come into my backyard and try to take something that wasn't his. I was fuming, and I forced him to get off my property. After that, I quickly put the bike in my front hallway and thought it was all over. Little did I know, my troubles were just getting started! After I'd calmed my little girl down, I went back to the kitchen to try and finish up dinner. Boy, I wish I'd known that my troubles hadn't ended yet!
After a quarter of an hour, the doorbell had the audacity to chime. It was that kid and his diabolical mother.
EM: "You better give my son this bike back! He found it! It's his!"
Me: "He 'found' it in MY backyard! I got it for MY kid today! Perhaps you ought to teach your youngster some etiquette; he shouldn't trespass on other people's land to grab their possessions."
EM: "Don't tell me how to raise my kid! Hand me the bicycle, or I'll be ringing the police!
Me: (giggles like a maniac) 'Call them!' I shout in a rage and swing the door shut with all my might, almost taking my poor kid's head off in the process. She's bawling her eyes out, thinking she's never gonna see her shiny new bicycle again. When the tears finally stop, I attempt to get back to cooking dinner just as I'm about to start sizzling the ingredients; ding-dong! I go ballistic, charge to the door and fling it open, ready to unleash all the anger I've been bottling up.
Ha-ha, can you believe it? That she actually called the authorities on me! As soon as I saw the police, I was suddenly feeling much more chill. So I invited one of the officers in and had the other stand guard over that pesky woman. I told him the whole story and showed him the box the bike came in and my receipt with my name on it. He just shrugged his shoulders and said sorry for the trouble. Then he promised me that I wouldn't be bothered again. I sure hope he's right!
Ha-ha, can you believe it? That she actually called the authorities on me! As soon as I saw the police, I was suddenly feeling much more chill. So I invited one of the officers in and had the other stand guard over that pesky woman. I told him the whole story and showed him the box the bike came in and my receipt with my name on it. He just shrugged his shoulders and said sorry for the trouble. Then he promised me that I wouldn't be bothered again. I sure hope he's right!
69. Karen and proud if it
My mom is a real piece of work. She's a real Karen, and she's always snapping her fingers at waiters like they're her personal servants. Whenever we go out, I'm usually following behind her, desperately apologizing and leaving huge tips to try and make up for her embarrassing behavior. Just the other day, my brother asked his boss for a full week off for Christmas to take family photos. But his boss said no! So my mom decided to take matters into her own hands. She called his boss up, and I swear she gave him an earful - Who does she think she is? The Queen of England?! I shudder to think what would have happened if he had said no again…
The most outrageous part of this whole saga is the age of my brother when it all went down. He was a whopping 26 years old! It is unbelievably irritating being around her because she has absolutely no idea of the consequences of her actions. She's unbelievably proud of her 'Karenness' and thinks it's a desirable trait to have. It's like she has no awareness of how her behavior affects others - it's maddening!
70. Here’s to you
Last weekend was Liberation Day in the Netherlands, which meant that every single city was having a huge bash to celebrate! Everyone was invited, and the best part was that it was absolutely free to get in - no strings attached. However, they did have one rule: no outside food or drinks were allowed so that they could make a profit on their beverage sales. Luckily, my pal lives right near the festival, so we were able to drop off our booze there before we hit the party. It was a great way to make sure we had something to sip on for the night without having to worry about getting caught and kicked out!
Gosh, I am so smooth! I had this brilliant plan to take my beloved JD to the festival, but I knew that walking around with a bottle of whisky would be frowned upon. So, instead, I decided to be a sneaky little devil and mix it into a 1L bottle of Coca-Cola Vanilla, adding just enough coke to make it look like coke. And, as I walked around, sipping on my 'coke', I suddenly felt a tap on my shoulder! Of course, festival etiquette dictates you move over to the side to let somebody pass, and then I went merrily on my way. Oh, the joy of getting away with a cheeky little plan!
All of a sudden, I felt a hand reaching out and attempting to yank me back, so I spun around to find myself facing a classic Karen. She questioned me with her shrill voice, "Where did you get that?" and pointed to the bottle I was holding. I replied calmly, trying to conceal the fact that I was carrying alcohol, "I picked it up from my house." She then continued, "Can my kid have some?" Now, I certainly didn't want the whole world to know I had a bottle of booze on me, so I quickly thought of an excuse. I cheerfully suggested, "You can purchase a nice, cold coke from that shop over there for your son." But Karen wasn't satisfied with that answer. She exclaimed, "They don't sell vanilla coke there, and he doesn't like the normal one. He wants yours." and extended her hand with a demanding look on her face.
Me: So if he doesn't like the regular one, I'm fairly confident that he won't like this any better... At the same time, the kid has begun screaming about how he's thirsty and "wants THAT one," and the mother has started giving me a wicked glare. Me: ...Alright, ma'am, I'm gonna level with you. Half of this bottle is Jack Daniels, and I really don't think it's a good plan to give it to the kid. Her response made me want to shout, "Ahhh! What are you thinking?!!".
She was incredulous and outraged - her eyes burning with rage, her voice booming and thunderous. "You're telling me a fib?! You just fabricated that story in order to dodge giving my little one the bottle! Now GIMME! I spun around as if I was trying to vanish into the horde of people, but it was too late - the kiddo had already seized the bottle with both hands, yanked it from my grasp, and sped off, his mommy scurrying after him. I pursued them, and just in time to spot the kid having a few large gulps from the bottle.
After downing the Jack and Coke, my friend started retching and spewing like a broken fire hydrant! It was obvious that I should forget about the now-regurgitated bottle of liquor, so I figured I'd go over to my pal's place and mix up a fresh one. As I was leaving, I called out to the mom, "As I said, I told you so!" But then, before I could even finish my sentence, she had already gone ballistic and was trying to land a punch on me!
YOU POISONED MY BABY!!! SECURITY!!!" shrieked the woman, as bystanders quickly separated us and a stallholder called over security to investigate.
The guard approached us, looking slightly bemused, and asked the woman: "What did he give your baby?". Her eyes narrowed, and her voice was full of rage as she replied, "He gave him a bottle of poison and told him it was coke!". She then demanded that I be detained.
The guard then turned to me, obviously struggling to contain his laughter, and asked, "So, what's in this bottle?".
I grinned cheekily and replied, "A premixed JD and coke, somewhat on the generous side with the JD!
Guard: So, why were you giving a bottle of booze to a kid?
Me: It wasn't intentional, I swear! I was planning on getting wasted myself. But they thought it was Coke, and they snatched it from me so quickly I couldn't stop them. And by the time I realized what was happening, it was too late, and the kid had already taken a sip. So, here we are.
At that moment, a random person piped up and agreed that he had seen that little punk snatch the bottle from my fingers, even though he hadn't heard the dialogue. Security then told the mother to not do something so stupid again and to take her still sobbing child to the medical station. Lastly, he told me to be more vigilant with the next bevy of concoctions I will "undoubtedly be creating."
71. This Karen cleaned him out
I was sadly hitched to a bona fide Karen. She was perpetually clogging the lineup at McDonald's, whinging and moaning about the fact that they had forgotten to add something to her lengthy order last time. It was excruciatingly mortifying to bear witness to her aimless tirades against the poorly-paid staff, no matter where or who.
Apart from her incessant complaining, her other defining feature was her deafening volume. Her vocal cords had only one setting: LOUD. Like a freight train barrelling through a quiet village at full speed, her voice could be heard reverberating through the surrounding area.
Ah, the joys of marriage! That's what I thought when I said "I do" to that ungrateful, nasty piece of work. I was desperate to get out of the relationship, but she provided the perfect opportunity for me to make my escape. I was unfortunate enough to be wronged by her in the worst way imaginable - she cheated on me. I had no choice but to divorce her and lose everything except my pride. With her out of my life, I was finally able to live life on my own terms.
72. A dressing down
I've been holding down the fort as a student teacher in a sixth-grade class this spring. It's been a taxing semester but a great one! Ever since the bell rang on the first day of school, my teacher and her grade-level partners have treated me like royalty - like I'm their equal and a colleague. I may look like a baby-faced cherub, but I know those kids like the back of my hand since I've been subbing for them since the days of yore.
After months of intense teaching and a whole lot of hard work, I am finally getting to take a break and go on an exciting camping trip with four whole classes! As if that weren't enough, my teacher even invited me to join in on the trip as a teacher - what a nice gesture! Now I get to just chill in the medicine lodge, making sure all the kids take their meds each day. Talk about a sweet gig! I am so thankful for the respect my teacher has for me and the great relationship we have. I must be doing something right!
The kids were ecstatic when they saw me arrive! It was quite a journey to get here--I took the bus with my teacher, while two other teachers and some of the parents drove with their cars filled to the brim with luggage. I hopped off the bus and decided to get some water before heading down to the lodge to meet with the camp director and the counselors. In other words, I was 'hydrating' myself before this big meeting! Who knows, I might even impress them with my water bottle-filling skills.
As I finished up, a mom came up to me, and I was like, "Oh no, here we go!" I mustered up a smile and was about to greet her when I heard the words that made me shudder - "You can't wear that!" "Umm, pardon me? What did you say?!" She replied sternly, "Young lady, that is so inappropriate for a school setting. You're going to distract my son and all the other boys. I'm going to have to ask you to change as soon as we get to our cabins,". For reference, I had on my trusty old jeans, a black undershirt, and a tank top with thick straps that covered my bra. I mean, come on, it's not like I was wearing a bikini or something! I mean, really, I'm sure the boys were more distracted by the food than by my outfit!
I had literally only exposed the black undershirt that was doing the job of my bra and protecting me from the awful sight of my shirt. It was so hot outside, like 100 degrees Fahrenheit, that I couldn't help but let out a little giggle. I thought it was funny enough that we could both laugh about it later. Little did I know, it set her off like a firecracker! She started screaming about how disrespectful I was and how I was probably trying to get the boys' attention with the way I was dressed. I mean, it was literally just an undershirt, really?
I beamed my cheesiest, most insincere “polite teacher dealing with exasperated parents” smile. “So, which lucky student do you happen to be the parent of?” I asked eyebrow raised. As it turns out, it was the child of another teacher - a notorious troublemaker from a different class. “Let me put it this way,” I said, my voice dripping with faux politeness. “I'm sure you're not aware of this, but I'm not a student. I'm the teacher. And, in case it slipped your mind, our school dress code permits my students to wear tank tops, so don't bother asking them to change.”
Lying to me?! Where's your teacher?!" I heard a voice bark from behind me, and the next thing I knew, Mrs. A (who was rocking a tank top, I might add) came to the rescue. "Is there something you need, Ms.?" she inquired. I quickly shook my head, hoping this would end soon. "Nope, just introducing myself to this mom here. I guess she didn't know Mrs. T got herself a student teacher this year!" I said, trying to keep my tone light and breezy. But truth be told, I was terrified of being sent home!
Mrs. A bobbed her head so enthusiastically that it looked like she was trying to become a bobblehead. "Oh, absolutely! She's been an absolute gem to us all this semester. In fact, your son even got a few science lessons from her! She's gonna make one heck of a teacher, I tell ya," she said as the mother's face turned a vibrant shade of red. Later that day, we took all the parents to our luxurious and air-conditioned lodge so that we could explain to them what the week had in store.
Mrs. T, our grade's very own cheerleader, and leader of the pack, so kindly presented me to the parents. Everyone was practically beaming with joy to finally meet me, with a few even going as far as to let me know that their children were absolutely delighted to have me as their teacher. But the absolute highlight of my week was during dinner when her son came up to me with a huge grin on his face and asked me in front of his mum, “Miss, can you please teach seventh grade next year so you can be one of my teachers? I'm really going to miss you!” It was so heart-warming that I was practically melting into a puddle of happiness!
73. Battle of the Karens
My mom and mother-in-law are both Karens, and their real names are, *gasp*, also both Karen! My mom is like the true Karen of legend when she goes out in public. Taking her out to eat is a total nightmare, as she's always grumbling about the service. The waiters don't even need to call the manager - they just know to come over to our table to make sure she's not about to go full-on Karen on them!
Alright, so this is a doozy. My mother-in-law has got to be the absolute worst. She's like a thousand times worse than my own mother, and not to mention; she's a major narcissist. I could sit here for days and tell you all about the horrible things she says to me and even to strangers. Right now, I'm not really on speaking terms with her, but I'm seriously considering telling her to get in touch with my manager...you know, my mom. I mean, if she thinks she can come at me with her Karen-like attitude, then I'd be more than happy to set her up with a Karen-on-Karen faceoff. Can you imagine the spectacle? Two Karens duking it out? I'm sure it would be totally EPIC.
74. The Forgiveness Gift
Last summer, when I had recently become a teenager, I was shooting some hoops with two of my neighbors in their driveway. A driveway that was so large and immaculately paved, it felt like a mini basketball court! I'm sure their wealth had something to do with it, but I'm sure their supportive parent had a part to play too. After all, it's not every day that you see a parent letting their child turn their driveway into a ball court. Ah, the joys of being rich!
It was just my buddies and me kicking the ball around in the park, having the time of our lives. Until, oof, the devil's spawn himself decided to make an appearance. This kid was the epitome of a spoiled brat who had been on the select soccer team since he was wee and still thought he was the king of the castle. So, we reluctantly allowed him to join the game, and everything was going swimmingly until I, the ever so slightly husky one of the group, decided to show him who the real boss was.
It was hilarious watching the other kid getting worked up like he was. He was short, scrawny, and not very strong, so it was no surprise that I was dominating him. The best part was when I grabbed a loose ball and ran back to the basket. I was so close to scoring that the other kid managed to get back before me and stopped my drive. At that point, I decided to back him down again and show him who the boss was! It was a glorious moment for me!
He must have been so ticked off that he didn't get a chance to show off his defensive skills, so he concocted a diabolical plan. Just as I was trying to look my best in a cozy hoodie, the scoundrel crept up from behind and yanked my hood with a vicious tug! I was totally taken aback and found myself gasping for breath - I was completely taken by surprise and I just couldn't shake him off my back! I suppose he wanted to prove how tough he was, but honestly, he was just being a bit of a doofus!
I don’t know how long he’s hanging on, but it felt like a whole 45 seconds. That may not seem like that long, but I’m freaking the heck out, so it feels like forever. An eternity later, his grip loosens, and I finally get him off. I’m fired up at this point, so I punch him right in the nose. Definitely not as hard as I could have, but it certainly would have hurt a lot.
This poor guy just drops to the ground like he's been knocked out by a heavyweight champ! I'm on my knees, still trying to catch my breath, and all of a sudden, this melodramatic fool starts wailing louder than a baby. He's rolling around, screaming and carrying on like a drama queen, and that's when his mom came running over. The look on her face was enough to tell me that I was in for it! It was like one minute he was just being a pain, and then the next, his mother had magically appeared! I mean, talk about bad timing!
She’s archetypal, “I need to converse with the CEO” white, upper-middle class mom who always volunteers to be the president of the PTA every single year and goes to Starbucks more often than most people go to the gym, and the kid is the spitting image of his mama. Mom: OH MY GOODNESS! ARE YOU ALRIGHT? WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM? Me: He tried to strangle me, so I retaliated by chucking a punch. Mom: WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU DO THAT? YOU’RE SO MUCH BIGGER THAN HIM!!!!
Me: So there I am, being choked out by some kid who's a lot smaller than me. I'm starting to think this is going to go on forever when I hear a couple of the neighbors come out to try and help me out. But it's like they just don't know what to do. We just keep going around in circles for the next five minutes until, finally, the kid gets up and - get this - he LIMPS away! I'm just so done with the whole thing I decided to call it a day and head home. The next day, of course, the kid is there again, waiting to pick up where he left off.
Neither of his parents' vehicles was in sight, so I deduced that he was camped out at the neighbor children's abode until they returned. I came to the conclusion that I did not fancy engaging with him in conversation, so I decided to go back inside. A few hours later, the kid arrived at our door with his mom lingering at the entrance of our fence. Kid: "Uhh, hey there, I came by to apologize for strangling me yesterday, and I can assure you it won't happen again.
Uh, ok," I said, trying to figure out what was going on. I had just apologized for punching the person, and I thought that was the end of it, but then their mother came over and said the most absurd thing I had ever heard.
"We are here for your forgiveness gift," she said like it was the most natural thing in the world.
My mouth dropped open. "My what?" I asked, completely dumbfounded.
"Your forgiveness gift," she repeated, still looking completely serious. "It's a tradition in our family that the person who apologizes last has to give the other person something to make up for it."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing - was she really suggesting that I had to buy some kind of present to apologize for punching someone? I guess it was a family tradition, but still, it seemed a bit much.
My mom: *in a state of disbelief* Excuse me?! What on earth is going on here?! So I start to explain what had happened, and with each detail, she seems to be getting more and more horrified. Meanwhile, this kid interrupts me every few seconds, trying to make the story more dramatic, like, "He punched me twice in the face and then kicked me in the nuts while I was crying on the ground!" *in an exaggerated voice* I mean, come on! I could clearly tell from my mom's face that she knew it was all a bunch of BS.
As I finished my explanation, I glanced back at the little tyke. My mom stepped in and said with a stern voice, "I'm sorry, but we don't do forgiveness gifts in this family." At that moment, the woman intervened and declared, "We do in this one. Kid, pick something out," gesturing towards the room. The kid's eyes lit up like a Christmas tree as he spotted my beloved PS4. He jumped up and down, eagerly pointing at it and chanting, "Mommy, I want that!" Now, keep in mind that this kid was just a year younger than me, too old for mommy, and too old for this whole situation, in my opinion.
My mom was not too pleased when she opened the door to find my brand-new PlayStation 4 waiting for her. She could see the steam coming out of her ears, and with a loud 'No way!', she slammed the door shut, locking it tight. My neighbor and his friends, however, had other ideas and started pounding on the door with such force that it felt like they were trying to break it down. We stayed inside while they stayed outside, and after a good five minutes of loud banging, they finally gave up and left. I'm still wary of my neighbor when I see him walking down the street, and I'm sure my mom is even more so!
75. Tween confronts Karen
My mom is really close to being a full-blown Karen. You know, the kind that only acts up in the grocery store. I remember when I was 12, we were in line, and she was being quite the nuisance. I had had enough of her shenanigans and decided to put her in her place. In a voice loud enough for the other shoppers and the cashier to hear, I said, "Mom, if you don't stop, I'm not coming out with you anymore. Your behavior is childish. Please act your age!". Thankfully, she's been on her best behavior ever since. Let's hope that continues!
76. Just a Tip
After having never before encountered a single self-important parent in my entire life, I've been blessed with two of them in just a few months. So I'm a delivery driver for one of the major food delivery companies in a college town here in Texas, where everyone loves Maroon. It's not a terrible job, the pay's actually rather good, and most of the customers are usually decently pleasant - but of course, there's always gonna be those people who are complete idiots no matter what field of service you work in!
I was so excited when I got this order alert on my phone! I'm always so thrilled when I get an expensive order; us drivers love those! It was from a restaurant nearby, and the customer, in their instructions, asked for me to call them when I arrived instead of ringing the doorbell, as it could disturb their autistic son. I was like, "Woah, this is a first!" and I felt really special that I was trusted with this responsibility.
Well, alrighty then, no problem! I had therapy for my sensory problems when I was a tyke, so I'm gonna be extra understanding when it comes to this sort of thing. Got the order, hopped in the car, and drove over to the swanky neighborhood. Called the customer, and a young woman answered and told me to come on up. So I did. And who should be standing there but the high and mighty mom? What an experience!
I was taken aback when I saw her, expecting to see the typical Karen with a dramatic haircut, but instead, I was pleasantly surprised to find that she was actually quite attractive! As I handed her the order, I asked if there was anything else I could do for her. She replied with a rather strange request. "My son is autistic, and it can be quite challenging to raise him. I don't think I should have to pay this much for food, so could you give me a discount?" I was totally baffled. I mean, sure, I'm a nice guy, but I'm not sure if I'm magical enough to change the price! I explained that the app had already calculated the order total and that I couldn't do anything about it. I guess I'll have to stick to being a friendly face and not a magical discount bringer!
She didn't seem too thrilled with my answer; her face transformed from a proud smirk to a menacing scowl. I guess I didn't realize how outrageous the concept of people having to pay for their own meals is. Her: 'Well, why don't you pay for it then? I don't think you heard me, my son's autistic, and it's all your fault he's still starving!' Me: 'My sincerest apologies, ma'am, but that would be in direct violation of our policies. If I paid for your order, I'd probably be getting the sack!'
Her: Great! You're a complete failure at driving, and it's awful! My poor son is starving, and all because of you. You should really be tipping ME for all the inconvenience you've caused! But luckily, I have this app that assigns me another order while I'm in the middle of taking one to a customer, and it saved me here. Phew, what a relief!
Me: I tried my best to do what she asked, but alas, it just couldn't be done. So, I thought I'd be a gentleman and drop the food right between us, and then I did what any sensible person would do in this situation - I high-tailed it out of there like my pants were on fire! She was still hollering something, but honestly, I couldn't make out a single word she was saying - it was like a foreign language! Unsurprisingly, she gave me a one-star review, and the only silver lining in this situation was that I got a teeny-tiny tip. The next day, I contacted customer support about it, and hopefully, I'll get some kind of resolution to this whole fiasco.
Me: "I mean, sure, I was the hero of the day yesterday, but at what cost? I had some crazy lady making demands of me, like I had to pay for her stuff AND tip her. It got a bit out of hand. Was it worth it? I guess we'll never know." Them: "Oh wow, which order was it? Let me see if I have it in the system..." Me: "It was (order number) at (address). Anyway, when you looked into it, what did you find?" Them: "Turns out you're the third person to have complained about her. That's more than enough for us to take action. I'll try to get her deactivated, and her review will be removed from your record." Me: "Hallelujah! Finally, justice has been served! I guess that means the world is a better place now that she won't be getting any more deliveries from us. Oh well, I guess it was worth it after all!
77. Karen sees the light
When I was growing up, my mom was a total Karen. She was always in a bad mood, and she would treat my dad like he was some kind of piece of trash. Now, my dad is the most wonderful man on the planet, and he has worked so hard to make sure that we have had a great life, so much so that even my grandkids will reap the rewards of his hard work. It was like she and my sister were always at each other's throats. It was like a scene out of a horror movie - the constant screaming and yelling that would go on in my house. It's a wonder I didn't grow up to be a serial killer or something!
Ah, the memories! I recall with vivid clarity the time when I was around double-digits in age, and I did something to incur the wrath of my beloved mother. To this day, I still cannot recall what it was that caused such a stir! But I do remember the punishment she gave me in return. It was horrendous - it was as if I had ceased to exist! She would come home from work, and whilst I was fortunate enough to have had a bike to get around on, I still had to wait for my father to come home before I could eat. Eventually, I was forced to learn how to make basic meals for myself. Though not a pleasant experience, I guess it wasn't all that bad, as it taught me a valuable life lesson - always make sure to stay in Mama's good books!
My dear ol' mama had a nasty habit of talking trash about us kids and my dad. She had no qualms about it either; she'd be downright open about it! Every time I'd walk into the kitchen, she'd be typing away to her friends about how terrible we were. Like she was trying to pass it off as a secret or something - as if we wouldn't notice her doing it! The craziest thing is, when she'd realize I was there, she'd quickly shut her laptop and give me a suspicious look. As if I didn't know what she was up to. Like I was some kind of idiot! Ha! That always made me laugh.
Going out in public became an absolute nightmare for our family. Whether it was an argument between my sis and mum or some other catastrophe, it was always guaranteed to end in a traumatic scene. It got so bad that my siblings and I jokingly suggested that our parents should get a divorce! Thankfully, they had the sense not to take us seriously, and the marriage remained intact. Phew!
Ahhh, the good ol' days. As I moseyed along into my teenage years, everything was looking up. My dad was really killing it in his career, and my parents were able to purchase their much-desired abode at a shockingly young age. Unfortunately, my dad's occupation was still in the old hometown, so it was my mama and I who relocated there full-time. Good thing my sisters had already moved out! Phew!
Ah, high school. That magical time when I didn't know anyone, and neither did my mom. We were totally alone in the world, with only each other to rely on! Of course, we didn't always see eye to eye, but over time we got closer and closer. Not that it was all sunshine and rainbows because my mom had some issues with my dad and a few other things, but overall, life with her was good. I guess you could say we were each other's "rocks," even if we were sometimes a little rocky with each other.
Oh boy, let me tell you, talking about a roller coaster ride! Around a year after I had flown the coop and taken off to college, my world was suddenly flipped upside down. My momma got really sick, and it was a scary time for the entire family. We all held our breath, hoping and praying that she would be okay. But, as luck would have it, it ended up being one of the greatest blessings for us. Praise the Lord, she made a full recovery, and since then, she's been livin' her life like she never had before. It's like she's a totally different woman now, and it's been amazing to witness.
My parents are so disgustingly in love these days; it's kind of sickening! She's a totally different person now. No more screaming and yelling; oh no, now she's just supportive and nurturing. It's like she's my best friend, and I don't even have to pay her to listen to me. It's actually kind of nice, plus the whole family is closer because of it - win-win!
Holidays and family get-togethers used to be the bane of my existence, but now they are the highlight of my year! It's really too bad it took my mom nearly kicking the bucket for her to realize that life could be so much better if she just made some changes. But I'm super grateful that I now have a much closer and happier family. Plus, it makes our time together even more special because we don't get to see each other very often due to everyone's different lives! But when we do get together, it's the best!
78. Mom’s the word
Ah, the joys of being nonverbal! It's like a party in my mouth, but instead of cake, it's half-molten nails. Delicious!
But I still get to enjoy going to restaurants - which is a real treat. I'm lucky because my husband knows what I like, so he orders for me, and I don't have to play a game of charades with our waiter or waitress - unless I want to, of course! Denny's, Applebee's, little family-owned Mexican and Chinese places - I love them all.
We were out for a bite to eat one day, and it seemed that we had committed some kind of crime! We were getting our meal when a small child, who was about eight or nine years old, began to stare at us. The restaurant was pretty quiet, so we could hear everything he said. After the waiter had gone, the kid said to his mother, who appeared to be in her late forties, "Mommy! What about her?
Mom: (She was so absorbed in her thoughts, I presume) Pardon me? What was that now? Kid: He requested both of them! Mom: What do you mean he did? Kid: The girl didn't utter a single word to him. Mom: That's not acceptable. Let's go have a look to see if there's any explanation behind it. At that point, she takes a couple of strides toward us with her kid in tow. Mom: Hey there, you two. Husband: Salutations? Mom: Who is this? (She points toward me) Your date?
Husband: "Close enough. Do you need something?" Mom: "Do you do that often?" Husband: "Do what often?" Mom: "Order for her?" Husband: "All the time!" Mom: "Could you please stop that?" Husband: "I'd rather not. I'm a real gentleman, after all!" Mom: "I'm asking nicely." Kid: "Can she not talk?" Husband: "Basica--" Mother cuts him off: "Just don't do it again. I don't want my kid to grow up to be some kind of caveman!
My husband and I were out to dinner one night when this woman came up to us and began to yell. We were just sitting there trying to enjoy our meal while this woman was screaming at us. Husband, ever the gentleman, calmly said, "No, feel free to leave us alone." She huffed and stomped away, leaving us a bit bewildered.
We got our food and started talking (or rather, signing), both of us still a bit baffled by what that woman was so worked up about. Then, just as I was about to express my confusion by using the classic sign language for "crazy" (finger pointing at the head), the woman reappeared! Talk about timing!
Mom: *In a stern tone* What are you two doing?! Husband: *Trying to remain calm* Please go away, ma'am. Mom: *Crossing her arms and becoming sterner* I'm not going to let you teach my kid gang signs. So stop it. Husband: *In a confused tone* We're not teaching anything, it's si-- Mom: *Interrupting him* I don't care what it is, stop it. Just "talk" like normal people. *She dramatically gestured air quotes around the word "talk" with her hands as if she was a queen in a royal court.* She soon walked away, and we continued our conversation with her angrily staring at us and trying to "shield" her kid from the terrible gang signs up until they left.
79. Karen gets told
My close friend's mother was a total Karen when I was a kid. His father was the most angelic, mild-mannered individual on the planet and put up with so much nonsense from her: more often than not. But from time to time, he would come out with something truly scathing, and when he did, the look he would give her was downright chilling. Here's a great example of a time he fired back at her. She had just finished her usual tirade and was expecting him to just stay silent, but instead, he said something so cutting that it left her speechless. It was like a ray of sunshine had broken through the clouds; it was so beautiful that we all just stared in awe.
We were all out to eat, enjoying our delicious meals and sharing a few laughs when suddenly SHE decided she wanted to get a little more than what was on the menu. She leaped up from the table, sending her chair flying across the room, and started demanding that the server should be fired - right then, right there! Her face was turning an interesting shade of scarlet, and she started listing off reasons why we should get our food for free, and the server should be out of work. It was a pretty hilarious scene, and I'm sure the other restaurant patrons were entertained.
My friend's father, his face full of repressed fury, put his hand on her shoulder and spoke two words that had the entire room stop like a deer in headlights: "SILENCE!" he boomed, his voice as cold and unfeeling as the depths of the icy abyss. She immediately clammed up, and the rest of the meal was eaten in a tense, awkward silence. I must admit, it was quite a powerful moment, and I admired him for being able to stand up to her, but then again, I couldn't help but feel like I was being lectured by a serial killer.
80. Karen, meet Kevin
Karens and Kevins – truly the stuff of legends! You know the type, they get married, and then Kevin goes and buys a truck like he's trying to prove something. Even though he works in an office, he just can't let go of that 'tough guy' persona! He also loves to think that all the check-out ladies are flirting with him. He's the kind of guy who will pick a fight over a parking space and then act like he's won something. He's always in a rush to overtake you on the road and then slow down to annoy you. And let's not even get into what he gets up to when his wife's in the bathroom! He flirts with the waitress and then leaves a measly ten percent tip. Classic Kevin behavior!
The Kevins are an interesting bunch, always looking for an opportunity to show off their 'conceal carry' permits for their pistols, yet still having the trigger discipline to make sure everyone around them remains safe. They think that calling Black people 'urban youth' that it somehow makes them not prejudiced, and they love to wear T-shirts that threaten their daughter's potential dates - as if that's going to make them stay away! I mean, if anything, it'll probably just make them more eager to meet the daughter!
They let those brave officers of the law know that they are the ones footing their paycheck, every opportunity they can get. But, their most sinister plan is that sometimes they reach out to their beloved better halves with a smack or two, and of course, they never forget to give their children a good thumping as well. After all, it's much easier than having a conversation with them.
81. Bread and circus
Ahh, forty years ago! Those were the days. I remember it like it was yesterday - my family and me living our blissfully boring lives. We were the ultimate picture of tranquility. Every day was peaceful, with no arguments or drama. You could have heard a pin drop in our house - except for my parents' snoring, of course!
But I guess we were a little too calm because I had absolutely no experience in dealing with people who were prone to fits of rage. And so, I was totally unprepared when I met my in-laws!
Well, here's the thing - I'm plagued with this really wacky affliction called 'terminal morbid curiosity.' It's a real doozy, let me tell you. And I've never been a fan of trying to please other people. Nope. Never have and never will. I remember my great auntie's funeral when I was 12. My one aunt was keen for us all to go out for dinner at her favorite Italian eatery. Apparently, it was the best ever, according to her - and she was never wrong, so there was no arguing with that!
We were all sitting around the table, and the most peculiar thing was there was a little Italian flag sitting there! My uncle, who was already a saint for being married to his other half for over two decades, was with us too. Anyways, we each ordered our drinks, and the breadbasket arrived soon after. We were all curious about the flag, and then my uncle, who was quite knowledgeable, enlightened us - it was to signal when we wanted more dinner rolls! All you had to do was raise the flag, and the rolls would come pouring in! Flag up meant more rolls; flag down meant no more rolls. Now that was something to remember!
It all began with the drinks, and boy, did it get interesting. My Aunt was all like, "Five sweet teas for us, please!" Then Dad and Mom were like, "Cokes for us!" and I'm like, "Tea, no sugar!" (I know, I know, sacrilege in the South). Aunt was like, "No way, girl! You can't have sweet tea without sugar!" I'm all, "But I don't like sugar!" and Aunt's like, "That's just stupid, give her sweet tea!" Then the waitress, who just so happened to wink at me, said, "Yes, Ma'am," and my Uncle piped up with, "I think I'll have a Coke as well." What a bunch of crazies!
Emily, their daughter, was feeling quite parched and decided to make a bold move. She spoke up, "Auntie, could I please have a Coke? I'm so thirsty!"
Oh no, her aunt was not impressed. She let out a disapproving sigh and snapped, "No, no, no. We drink Pepsi, not Coke. We are having sweet tea."
But then the waitress arrived with their drinks, and Emily thought she was off the hook! But no, her aunt was growing more and more agitated by the second. You see, she likes to control everything and everyone, so of course she told them what to order for dinner.
But Emily wasn't having it. She was not going to get into an ethical debate here, but she was refusing to eat veal. And that, my friends, is the story of how Emily stood up for herself and her beliefs.
She demanded we all have the veal, but I had to be the rebel! I knew this would set her off, but I had to be tough. I was like, 'Nah, I'm not eating veal.' My parents, after I had explained to them years earlier why I wouldn't eat veal, totally backed me up. Did I mention I get my “I don’t care about pleasing you” quality from my parents? Well, they didn't care either! They were like, 'We can order whatever we want!' and I was like, 'Yea, that's right, you don't have to listen to her!'
After we placed our orders, my uncle got a bit brave and decided to get something else too. He was instantly met with a death glare from my aunt, who was not happy with his decision. She sternly declared, "You are getting the veal. I'm telling you, it's the best!" But my uncle was determined and refused to back down. "No, I feel like something else tonight," he declared boldly. My aunt was not amused.
Aunt: "You won't like it." Uncle: "Oh, come on, I'm sure I will. I mean, I know what I like!" Aunt: "No no, you don't know what you are talking about!" Uncle: "Hey, watch it! I think I have a pretty good idea of what I like." Aunt: "Well, you can't have it!" Uncle: "Yes, I can! What, do you think you have some sort of power over me or something?" Aunt: "I said no!" Uncle: "Well, I'm ordering it anyway! You always get the veal, and you make me eat it, even though I don't even like Italian food!
Emily's Aunt is like a drill sergeant, barking orders to everyone. "Yes, you do; it's your favorite!" She says to Uncle as if he was a child. But Uncle is having none of it and stands his ground, determined to get the lasagna. Then Emily steps in, foolishly thinking she can help. "I'll have the lasagna, too," she offers. But Aunt is not about to let her niece have her way, quickly shooting her down. "You can't have that; you are allergic." Emily protests, "No, I'm not!" But Aunt is insistent, claiming her authority as a mother. "I'm your mother. I know what you can and can't eat." Finally, Aunt turns to the waitress, her voice full of command. "Bring her the veal right now!
The whole time this was going on, it was like I was watching a tennis match. Back and forth, the pitch of my aunt's voice getting higher and higher with each and every sentence. I was quite sure that if we left the restaurant, little flying creatures would have been conjured up! I just sat there quietly eating my dinner roll, like a spectator at a tennis match... Then the food arrived, and everyone got what they wished for - even Emily - much to the annoyance of my aunt. And then it happened. Bats were summoned!
My uncle lifts the flag high in the sky, so proud and full of joy. But no sooner has he done so than my aunt is there, taking it down and sending it back to its resting place. Up and down, up and down, like a game of volleyball, they go. Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there, watching this whole debacle unfold, when I spot the bread guy hovering at the edge of the table, anxiously awaiting his moment to pounce. As soon as my uncle lifts the flag, the bread guy makes his move! He darts in, dropping off the new basket before my aunt can take down the flag. But my aunt, ever the trickster, isn't about to let him get away with it so easily. She grabs the basket and chucks it right at the poor kid who delivered it! What a sight it was!
Every single time my sweet old aunt opens her mouth, it's like a warning bell, and the flag goes down. But the flag goes back up just as quickly the moment she stops speaking. For example, when Auntie said, "You don't need any more bread!" Uncle eagerly replied, "But I want more!" And Auntie was like, "No, no, you don't!" But Uncle would not be deterred. He argued, "Hey, I'm an adult. I can have more bread if I want!" To which Auntie replied sternly, "No, you can't. Because I said so! Are you even listening to me?
Uncle: "I'm starving, and I need more bread!" Aunt: "Well, if you had ordered the veal, you wouldn't be so hungry!" Aunt: "It doesn't matter what I ordered, I'm always hungry, and tonight I'm getting more bread!" Me: "Hey, can I get some more bread, too?" Aunt: "No, you've had enough!" Me: "Actually, I think I need more!" Aunt: "No, you don't! You're wrong!" Me: "You seem a little tense, Auntie…
Aunt: That's because you people AREN'T LISTENING TO ME! Me: Yes, we are, but we just don't care what you have to say. We want more bread! Dad (to me while trying his best not to laugh at this ridiculousness): You're not helping. Me: I think you want more bread, too, huh? At this point, the entire restaurant was looking our way and the 'war of the bread' had become the main attraction. I'm betting some of them were probably taking bets to see who would come out victorious!
Right in the middle of the chaotic mess, a kind woman sitting at the table near Emily gave her a basket of warm, fresh bread rolls. Emily sneakily passed one over to me, so I slyly passed one onto my Dad, and then it made its way to my Mom. Of course, not before she grabbed one for herself first! Then, it got even crazier. When my Aunt spotted the bread basket, she practically lunged for it! It was pretty hilarious if I do say so myself.
My uncle was a real speed demon. He shoved that entire roll into his big mouth in one go, quicker than a cheetah chasing a gazelle! The poor waitress came over to us just to check if we needed anything (Xanax was sadly not available) and my aunt went ahead and asked for the check. I, being the dessert enthusiast that I am, was like, "Hey, can I have some chocolate cake please?" My uncle was all like, "Yeah, sure, I'll have some too!" and Emily joined in on the cake train. My dad, being the apple pie lover that he is, chirped in, "I'll have some apple pie too, please!
My uncle was FASTER than a speeding bullet! He must have been a superhero because he absolutely shoved the entire roll into his mouth in one go, and not just any roll; it was a GIANT one! The waitress came up to the table to see if we needed anything (Xanax was unfortunately not an option on the menu), and my aunt practically demanded she brings the cheque. I then declared that I wanted dessert, specifically CHOCOLATE CAKE, and my uncle agreed that it sounded great; of course, he would have some too! My friend Emily also wanted some, and my dad said he'd go for apple pie. What a great group of people I got to share a meal with!
Dad: "Of course, I'm here! I'm on a family vacation, and I'm the one driving the car, so it's *my* car. There's no way you can borrow it. Especially not for driving because you're horrible at it!"
Aunt: "I'm *not* terrible at driving! I know how to drive just fine."
Dad: "Oh really? Then how do you explain the fact that you always drive the wrong way on the freeway? It's like you have no sense of direction!"
Aunt: "That's not true! It's not my fault; it's all the other drivers that are going the wrong way!"
Dad: "Oh, I see. So you can't even make your way around your own neighborhood without getting lost, right?"
Aunt: "Well... not always. I can usually find my way around.
My Dad and my Aunt were at it again. It was like a never-ending battle of wills. As we ate our dessert and my Dad paid the bill, they were still going at it.
"You are not driving my car," my Dad said, but my Aunt refused to give up. "Yes, I am!" she declared.
My Dad had the last word, though: "No, you aren't," he said firmly.
After we dropped them off at their house, my Dad asked my Mom, "Has your sister always been this crazy?"
My Mom replied, "No, it started when she was about three. What happened? She started speaking in complete sentences."
My Dad just shook his head, sighed, and said, "Ah...
82. A coven of Karens
I'm surrounded by Karens, oh the horror!! My Father is the ringleader of the Karens; he's like the king of the Karens. He's insufferable in public; if things don't go his way, he'll throw a Karen tantrum. He won't wait in any line if there are more than 30 seconds of wait time; he's like, "my way or the highway!" - Karens, they're everywhere!
My mother-in-law is the epitome of Karenness. Her presence is truly awful. She loves nothing more than to make it all about her, and if she can't, she'll start an uproar, loudly proclaiming her presence to the world. Her behavior afterward is always particularly infuriating; she is an expert at playing the victim, even when it's clear that the fault lies with her. It's completely off the wall. My wife is well on her way to becoming a full-fledged Karen - she's shy, so she doesn't always show it in public, but when we are alone together, it's always my fault, and she's constantly attempting to manipulate me.
83. Karen magnet
When I was married to Karen (yes, her mom was also named Karen), it felt like I had stepped into an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. My mom would complain that the coffee was too hot, my grandma would grumble that the ice cream was too cold, and my wife would be screaming at the 15-year-old umpire at the little league game—which ultimately got us kicked out! Now I'm blissfully single and Karen-free, which is the best thing that ever happened to me!
84. Does not compute
Oh, dearest Entitled Mother, what a pleasant surprise it was to have you grace us with your presence on the bus tonight! At first, I was delighted to see you, but then I quickly realized how wrong I was. To think, all this time, I was under the impression that patience was a virtue! Little did I know that you would demonstrate your lack thereof in such a way that caused the destruction of my beloved $55,000 wheelchair. What a tragedy!
The irony of it all is that I was actually on my way to a workshop that I was greatly anticipating. But before I even reached my destination, I was forced to call the authorities for assistance due to my lack of self-control. What a way to ruin a perfectly good evening! Kudos to you, Entitled Mother, for once again showing us all just how special you are.
One mommy and her little cherub were attempting to board the bus, with the mommy pushing a monster of a stroller. The bus driver had the audacity to remind her that it was against corporate policy to have an unfolded stroller on the bus - yet another rule that drivers don't actually enforce. But this entitled mommy was determined to push past the disabled people (including me!) at the front of the bus to get to the back. Who does she think she is?!
Only her ginormous stroller wouldn't fit in the puny gap, and she began using it like a bulldozer to push my wheelchair out of the way. I was all like, "Whoa, there! Be careful!" But she was like, "Nope, I'm going through!" and kept thrusting it forward. She finally managed to squeeze through, and I was steamed for the next few blocks. I pressed the button for my stop and revved up my wheelchair like I was about to go drag racing…
Then I got a “left brake disconnected” error. I mean, seriously? What did I do? I tried again. Repeated errors. Me: Ffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuu… This was not the kind of surprise I wanted today. The next several minutes were spent with the bus pulled over, passengers getting mad at ME for “causing” a delay as if I was the one disconnecting my own left brake. I was in a panic trying to figure out how to get off the bus, even though I knew it was a lost cause. Finally, a guy came to the rescue and flipped my electric/freewheel release switch on and off several times, and that managed to convince my chair to work enough for me to get off my bus and get about 15 feet away before it suddenly turned itself off. Oh, the joys of being stuck on a bus!
I eventually got so frustrated that I started screaming at my wheelchair, which was probably a bit dramatic. After all, it wasn't the fault of my poor wheelchair that it was showing a "charger inhibit" error. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and started tinkering with the back of my chair, trying to figure out what was wrong. It was a bit of a struggle, and I had to get down on the ground to do it. Then I thought, why not call the authorities? I mean, if I can't get my wheelchair fixed, how am I supposed to get home? But, alas, I guess the authorities don't do after-hours wheelchair repairs. So I guess I was on my own. Nevertheless, I kept at it, and eventually, all my hard work paid off, and I got the darn thing to start moving again. Phew!
In the end, I figured out that two completely separate parts were no longer connected, and when I reconnected them, my chair was up and running! The wonderful police officer assisted me in getting the protective covering back on my chair, and - more importantly - he made sure I got safely back in. I thought, 'what the heck' I skipped the workshop, went home, gave myself a shower to get rid of all the yucky street dirt, and had a few drinks to celebrate.
Oh, so that Entitled Mother thought she was too important to take a single second to fold her stroller? BOY, did she have it coming! I mean, she totally deserved to get her comeuppance after I asked her to stop multiple times, and she just kept going. And yes, my wheelchair is indeed a whopping $55,000! I know, I know - it sounds like a lot, but when you consider that the joystick cover alone costs $85, it doesn't seem so outrageous. It's got three different awesome tilt and adjustment settings that drive the price up. And you know what's even better? Shouting at people that my wheelchair is more expensive than their CAR! HAHAHAHA, it's so satisfying!
85. Gloves come off
At my most recent family reunion, my aunt, who is a classic Karen, had the misfortune of crossing paths with my mom. After my mom had apparently had enough of her wretched behavior, they got into a heated argument, the details of which I can no longer recall. When I arrived on the scene to break it up, my mom delivered the final blow: "You're the most repugnant human being I've ever met," she said before socking her right in the face. I couldn't help but stifle a chuckle as my aunt burst into tears while my mom simply walked away.
86. Welcome to Karenville
I'm not married to a Karen, thank the Lord! No offense to any Karens out there, but my wife is a far cry from one. If I'm being honest, there are times when I wish she had a bit more of that classic Karen-esque attitude where she stands up for herself more, but I'm here to do that for her so that works too. I have the misfortune of living in a suburb full of Karens - if you don't believe me, go ahead and Google Westchase, Florida; it's a seriously fancy part of a dumpster fire of a city.
Ah, the Karens. Every woman here is a textbook case. They're middle-aged, and they're stay-at-home moms with husbands who've got more money than they know what to do with. These Karens get up in the morning and spend the entire day running errands with their spoiled kids, like going to the gym. But not just any gym - it's a women-only gym, so they can all hang out with other Karens and show off their $200 workout ensembles. After that, they'll head to Starbucks and spend an hour sipping lattes and talking about their kids' latest achievements.
At Starbucks, the Karens, decked out in their designer leggings and stilettos, come in and congregate with their fellow Karens, who are pushing their beloved children in $1,000 strollers as if their kids were the crown jewels. Then, as if their presence alone weren't enough, these Karens march into my natural and organic grocery store and start to complain about the quality of our fruit and vegetables. Like clockwork, they make special orders and expect us to call them the moment their order arrives. It's almost as if their special orders are the only thing that matters in the world!
This is all because Karen is apparently convinced she's superior to literally everyone else on Earth. I absolutely detest being in her presence; it's like having a permanently grumpy monarch hovering around! She must think she's the Queen of the Universe. I'm pretty sure that if she had her way, she'd be holding court and ordering us all around like servants. I really don't want to be her subject; living here has become an absolute nightmare!
87. Back of the line
Ah, how I wish I could say that this was me, or at least one of my relatives, so I could brag that my genes are full of such genius! But alas, it was not. It was a bouncer at a club in the middle of nowhere, and when he made a comment, not even the typical cinematic reaction of 'OOOOOHHH' or 'WHAAAAT' ensued. Just an eerie silence filled the room, with about 40 onlookers staring in disbelief.
So, this mother and daughter duo was attempting to enter the club at the unfashionable hour of late evening. The daughter was a petite lass, quite the looker, dressed in the finest of threads. The mother, on the other hand, was not exactly suiting the description of 'svelte,' having squeezed herself into an outfit consisting of hot pants and a tank top - if a supermodel had worn this, it might have been considered 'trendy', however, this lady was not a supermodel, she was an overweight mother.
The scene was a sight to behold; two scruffy-looking characters, wearing their finest trailer-trash fashion, attempting to get their way to the front of the line. One was sporting a bad dye job, with hair so stringy it made it look like a rat's nest, and the other was wearing some seriously cheap and bulky jewelry. To top it all off, they both had spray-on orange skin, as they had just taken a dip in a huge vat of Cheetos. I couldn't hear how it all started, but it was pretty clear they were desperate to skip ahead, and the bouncer, a huge, muscular, Black man with a strangely childlike face and the patience of a saint, had rejected their efforts. It was hilarious.
The daughter threw a few zingers, but she was only slightly more perturbed than a caterpillar. However, the mother was a different story! She was screaming obscenities that would make a sailor blush and pretty much every swear word you could ever think of. To top it off, she demanded to know who she was and that the owner should be summoned. It was a show that would have been worthy of a ticket price!
The bouncer was just standing there, a pillar of calm and politeness in the midst of what can only be described as a 'vile screeching' situation. The daughter was embarrassed beyond words, desperately trying to drag her mother away from the scene as it had become a public spectacle. But the bouncer was a true hero, still remaining polite and kindly saying, "Hey now, ma'am, you'll have to go to the back of the line, just like everyone else." After all the chaos and commotion, the bouncer still managed to keep his cool - now that's downright heroic.
At this point, the woman had completely given up on any coherent argument and had resorted to just screeching out the same old, tiresome insults. She then had the audacity to proclaim that the bouncer was incompetent and would be out of a job by the end of the night. Before she knew it, she had taken a wild swing at the bouncer and missed by a country mile! The bouncer, unamused by her feeble attempt, took one step forward, which caused the woman to let out an ear-piercing shriek as she lost her balance and fell backward!
He then bellowed in a booming voice: “Ma’am, have I EVER said anything about how to shimmy off of portly, rotund old men in a back alley?” At this, she literally gasped in astonishment. He went on, “No, Ma’am, I ain’t never said nothin’ like that. Not ever. I don’t come to you and tell you how to dance your jig, so don’t come to me and tell me how to dance mine.” It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop - there must have been, like, forty people in the street, but you couldn’t hear a peep. She shouted a few more things, then scampered away with her daughter tugging her arm. It’s been more than ten years now, but I still wanna go find that bouncer and buy him a round of drinks.
88. Karen sufferer hits the jackpot
Ah, my exes. If I'm being honest, they were both the epitome of Karens. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking! They just couldn't accept any form of culpability or ownership. I still remember one of them throwing a fit at me for not picking up her calls. The best part? My workplace had no signal, so how was I supposed to answer her call in the first place? What a Karen!
I had another one of those folks who thought that I was completely daft. I'd often drive for miles to meet up with her, but then when my vehicle had a breakdown, she'd come over to see me and always make a big deal about me reimbursing her for the gas money. I used to challenge her at first since I usually paid for everything and never asked her to pay me back. I eventually concluded that giving her the gas money was really just another way of giving her money to stop her incessant nagging.
She would throw a temper tantrum if anything didn't go her way. I still recall her berating her dad about something which was truly trivial; it was utterly mortifying to witness! How could an adult act so arrogantly? Nevertheless, I still ended up proposing to her – and I am still baffled by this decision today – and then to make matters worse, an ex of mine, who I hadn't heard from in ages, asked if she could attend the grand shindig we had organized. Ridiculous, I tell you!
I told my then-girlfriend about this bizarre email and she totally exploded like a volcano—she accused me of being unfaithful to her with my ex. She squealed, “You must be getting cozy with each other if she’s sending you emails!!!” Then she ran off to tell my parents that I was having an extra-marital affair. As if I didn't have enough trouble already!
That was a massive, horrifying, and utterly disgusting mess that needed to be cleared up! The break-ups were, let's just say, quite unique. I decided to give it a shot and break up with the first one whilst I was driving her home after experiencing the 500th argument of our week. And it was only Monday, of all days! She bawled her eyes out in the car, refusing to budge from her seat. To top it all off, she was coughing up a storm and had snot dripping out of her nose like a leaky tap. What a sight to behold!
Oh boy, I thought it couldn't get any worse. But boy, was I wrong! After enduring an eternity of awkward silence, she finally decided to make her exit. To add insult to injury, she had the audacity to go around telling my pals that I used her for my own benefit. Talk about a sticky situation! I had no choice but to take the matter up with the authorities. What a wild ride that was. I guess that's what I get for being so darn quiet.
The second gal thought she could take it better, but she still made it her life goal to give me a piece of her mind every time we were out with our mates. Fortunately, we had some pals in the same circle, but each time I was out with the group, she would make sure to be there too. It makes me feel so thankful for the amazing wife I have right now. I don't know what the positive equivalent of a Karen is, but she is definitely it! She's accommodating, incredibly giving, pleasant, attentive, compassionate, charming, thoughtful, and deferential. I've gotten so lucky and boy do I know it!
89. Giving new meaning to “ Food Fight “
At last, I can express my unrestrained fury about the night my marriage proposal was completely ruined by my conceited mother-in-law-to-be, Ellen. So, my sweetheart and I had basically decided we wanted to get married, but I hadn't popped the question yet since we wanted to familiarize ourselves with each other's families since neither of us was from the same city. And then Ellen had to go and ruin it all!
Ah, I remember the days when I was young, foolish, and naive. I thought the idea of meeting the in-laws always being a huge disaster was nothing but a myth, especially since my parents are such wonderful people. So when my girlfriend and I were sitting down to dinner with my folks, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to express the plans I had for our relationship. That's when my mom, bless her heart, asked in all seriousness, "Does she have any kids already?" Talk about a curveball! I can honestly say I was NOT expecting that question at all!
My dad and my soon-to-be in-laws were both eager to get to know me - and they had plenty of questions. Dad wanted to know if my beloved had a "good and solid" job, while her parents wanted to know if I really loved her. I figured that as long as I was honest and respectful, they'd be happy. Boy, was I wrong! It turns out they wanted to know if I had a job, how many hours I worked, my salary, and if I had any pets! Thankfully, I was able to answer all of their questions - and in the end, I got their blessing for our marriage. Phew!
Well, I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when my girlfriend and I made the trip up to her parents' city to meet them for dinner at a fancy steak house, and they showed up with a wild card - their "do-over daughter" who was only six years old! Apparently, her parents had her by surprise when they were teenagers and decided to give it another go. I was totally taken aback, but thankfully, the dinner went off without a hitch - apart from the occasional "hey, can I have a milkshake?" interruption!
When I met everyone, it was a bit awkward at first, but after we all sat down, the conversation was going great! Then, all of a sudden, the six-year-old piped up and said she was thirsty. No big deal, right? Wrong! My girlfriend's mom, Ellen, totally lost it! She started screaming, "Water? WATER?! WATER?!" and making a huge fuss. A poor waiter came running over to see what all the fuss was about, and Ellen just barked at him, "We've been here forever, and no one's even gotten us any water! My daughter's been asking for it, but no one's paying attention!" Talk about embarrassing!
After about 15 or 20 minutes of sitting there with no service, it was clear as day that we were in for a long night. And yet, I was still too naive to understand what was in store for us. The waiters were obviously struggling to keep up, and yet, there I was, raising my voice and creating a scene like I was some kind of hotshot! Looking around the table, I observed that everyone else seemed unperturbed by the wait, which should have been a dead giveaway that I should have just relaxed and prepared myself for a looooong night. Oh boy, did I get an eyeful of what was to come!
The waiter came dashing over with the water, profusely apologizing for being late and trying to explain that a bunch of gigantic groups had come in at the same time. I thought this guy was quite genuine and friendly, so I reckoned the water would be the only issue with the evening. Then, Ellen made sure to add in her two cents, loudly declaring, "We need a kid's menu!" to the waiter. I guess the night was just getting started!
Ellen shrieked in disbelief when the waiter said that they didn't have a kid's menu, as if he had declared that the restaurant didn't have any fire exits! "How do you expect me to feed my child?!" she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in exasperation. The waiter calmly replied that there were rarely any child visitors and that the plain foods on the menu were enough for anyone, even the pickiest of kids. "Well, that's a relief!" Ellen responded, relieved that the chef could simplify most dishes for her little one.
Ellen heaved a tremendous sigh as if she had just had the weight of the world thrust upon her shoulders and then waved her hand with a sweeping gesture to shoo him away. I couldn't help but feel awful for the poor chap, as he was very clearly aware of the awkwardness that had been cast over the table. He didn't even look back at us as he made his way out of the room, and I was so glad he didn't have to endure any more of Ellen's drama. Unfortunately, my relief was short-lived, as she then turned her attention to me. If I'm being honest, I almost wished the guy had come back, so I wouldn't have to be subjected to her theatrics.
At least he was getting paid to be here, which was more than he could say for his screenwriting career! She was like, “So you’re a screenwriter?” And I explained, “Well, yes and no. I want to be, but it’s not like I can just snap my fingers and instantly have an amazing career in the industry. It’s hard to get a job in that field that you can support yourself in, so I’m working at a non-profit right now. But hey, there’s a screenwriting component to the job, and I get to wear fancy business clothes, so I’m really happy there!”
Ellen spun around to her six-year-old and said, in a jovial tone, "You hear that? You gotta make sure you catch a man who works for a living. That's a lesson for you. It's never too early to start". I couldn't tell if Ellen was being serious or just trying to be funny, so I silently glanced over to my girlfriend to check if she was planning on sticking up for me. But it was clear that she wasn't. Just then, our waiter reappeared, looking absolutely terrified.
That really stung because he had been so calm and friendly at the beginning of the dinner. He asked if we wanted to hear the daily specials before ordering, and Ellen said why not. This is how the conversation went. Waiter: Alright, we have a lightly seared strip steak— Ellen: NEXT! Waiter: Ouch, ok then. How about a broiled leg of grass-fed— Ellen: NEXT! Waiter: Ouch again. Uh, we have a pasta primavera mixed with— Ellen: NEXT! Waiter: Uh, so, uh, you want to order something?
Ellen was off to a great start, reciting the specials like a pro! She went on and on, like a broken record, rattling off the list of specials with enthusiasm and gusto. After what seemed like an eternity, she finally settled on a plain ribeye; well done. Of course, her daughter wasn't as adventurous and asked for plain mashed potatoes. But Ellen wouldn't be denied, so she let her daughter have her way and ordered the plain mashed potatoes.
And then, in the act of defiance, she sent the poor waiter away without taking the rest of our orders! We were left sitting there dumbfounded, unable to order dinner until Ellen finally gave us the go-ahead. Boy, what a night!
I just sat there, dumbfounded, staring at the family as if I had just witnessed a ritualistic sacrifice. Everyone seemed to be so calm and composed, while I was confused and embarrassed not to be aware of the customary practice. I wanted to get away from the situation as soon as possible, so I nervously asked, "So, is that one steak and potatoes enough for the entire table, or...?”
My girlfriend, who was obviously used to this kind of behavior, gave me an exasperated look and explained, “My mom always has the waiter put the kid’s food in first, so it can get started right away. We’ll order once the kitchen has hers.” I mean, I felt like I was in the twilight zone or something, where strange customs and practices were accepted without question.
I thought I had heard wrong when Ellen asked me if I found something funny. I mean, she had just ordered both her kid's food and her own dinner - that was certainly a novel experience for me, and I couldn't help but let out a little chuckle. But Ellen didn't seem to find it amusing and asked me why I was laughing. I quickly realized that what was normal for her family wasn't necessarily normal for me and so I shut my mouth. Thankfully, her dad noticed the awkwardness and quickly changed the subject to something else, saving me from any further embarrassment.
Ellen was no longer content with just being a mild-mannered diner. No, not even ten minutes had passed since she and her daughter had ordered, and already, Ellen had transformed into a raving lunatic! All because another table at the restaurant had received a side order of mashed potatoes with their meal. She began to sputter and spew inaudible gibberish, which made it quite difficult for the rest of us to understand what was wrong. Finally, after some time, she managed to flag down a busboy who spoke broken English and proceeded to give him an earful - as he had just gone and plowed her car on the highway!
He kept desperately trying to explain to her that he was not a server and that he could go and fetch one, but she kept talking without allowing him to take a breath, let alone find someone who could actually help. The whole time, I was searching my girlfriend's face to see if she was feeling embarrassed or even slightly annoyed, but it was impossible to tell if she was even listening to a word of it.
Our waiter, still miraculously managing to keep a smile plastered on his face, came over and asked Ellen what was wrong. Little did he know that he was about to be hit with a storm of unreasonable expectations. Ellen then, with a straight face, asked why the other table had mashed potatoes while they hadn't gotten theirs yet. The waiter, in the sweetest and most polite way, explained that the other table had ordered their potatoes before they had. To this, Ellen simply glared at him and said, "It doesn't matter when they ordered theirs. My daughter is the youngest here, so her food should come out first". Ah, the power of motherly love - no matter how ridiculous the request.
The waiter was doing his best to stay calm and composed, despite the fact that we had only just placed our order a few minutes ago. He tried to explain to us that the policy was 'first come, first served' and that age had nothing to do with it. But it was clear that our elderly customer, Ellen, was not satisfied with the answer. She sternly declared, "Yah, you better!" and the poor waiter went scurrying off to check on the potatoes. I mean, it was only a few minutes since we had ordered - he could have at least pretended to be a bit more accommodating!
It felt like an eternity had passed, but I'm sure it was only three or five more minutes, during which all of us at the table could only talk about how terrible this restaurant was, how our poor little baby was starving (despite the fact that she hadn't said anything about being hungry the whole time and was happily playing her loud iPad game, without headphones, irritating all the other customers around us), and how nowadays in America motherhood is so disrespected because it's all about being "me, me, me." I mean, whatever happened to be thankful for the basics in life?
I thought I was being hilarious when I chimed in with, "I'm with you on that last part!" But to my surprise, my girlfriend didn't find it as amusing as I did and instead looked a bit peeved! A few minutes later, the waiter came back with the news that the potatoes would be out soon. Then, to my shock and awe, Ellen pulled out three singles and a five from her wallet and placed them on the table in full view of the waiter, like something out of a fairytale! I mean, I thought it was something only legends did!
Then she snatched away a single potato and exclaimed, “For every table that gets potatoes before us, a bill is slipping away!” I was absolutely horrified. But the waiter, bless his soul, simply took a deep breath and said, “I can’t control the order of the kitchen tickets, but I guarantee your potatoes will be out in a jiffy!” And he left without a single insult!
I had been biting my tongue all evening, trying to stay in my girlfriend's good books, but when that measly $8 tip hit the table, I figured it was time to speak up! After all, if she was the amazing woman I thought she was, she'd be backing me up here! So I pushed my chair back a little and prepared to give my two cents worth - I mean, it was only fair, considering we'd already been charged an arm and a leg for our meal!
Then I said, "Hold on a second, buddy! I'm well aware of what you're tryin' to do with that wad of cash on the table, but it's really makin' me feel a bit awkward. Can we put the money away and just meet up some other time?"
My girlfriend's dad spat back in disbelief, "Whaaat?! Are you seriously that stingy that you don't believe in giving service workers a few bucks for their hard work?!" I mean, sure, it was a bit of a rude response, but I guess that's the way of the world, eh?
Before I had the chance to figure out if he was being serious or just pulling my leg, Ellen dropped the bombshell: "No, you're right; this isn't necessary." Little did I know that the shock was only just beginning. I still can't believe what happened next. She slipped the bills back into her wallet, then calmly waited for the waiter to bring us our mashed potatoes, but when it didn't arrive, she just marched up to a complete stranger's table and snagged it from their plate! Who does that?!
She was practically babbling on about her daughter being starved, and as she walked away with the food, it was quite clear that the old lady she had taken it from was not convinced. Before I could even put on my coat to make a quick exit, I heard a scuffle and turned back to see that Ellen was now in a wrestling match with an elderly woman armed with a walker topped with a tennis ball. It seemed that the night was just getting more and more exciting, and I wouldn't be able to miss out on the show now!
The poor little girl was trying her best to console her mom, Ellen, but alas, it was all for naught. The elderly woman, with a stern expression on her face, yelled out, "Give me back my potatoes!! Who are you??", as if she had an ironclad claim on them. Shocked, Ellen retorted, "How could you sit there and eat these when my daughter hasn't even been served yet? She's sitting here, just a little girl with a rumbling tummy, and you're over there stuffing your face? Come on; other potatoes will be out any minute!" But, it seemed the old lady had potatoes in her ears because she just kept on munching away.
And the elderly lady, bless her soul, was like, "Fantastic! If they're gonna be out any second, then what on earth is the [darn] issue?!" To which Ellen still stood on her high horse and holier-than-thou attitude, exclaiming in shock, "Language, if you please!" Finally, the waiter and, praise the Lord, even the manager, came over to break up their argument as they had started to raise their voices and make a scene.
Now, staff had already asked Ellen to turn down her daughter's iPad multiple times without her paying any attention, and I'm guessing the waiter informed management about the 'generous tip' she left on the table because this was their final straw. They told us we were going to have to leave the restaurant, much to Ellen's shock and dismay. "But we don't even have our food yet!" she squawked at the guy, displaying her signature lack of manners. Needless to say, it was time for us to leave the restaurant, and it was no surprise that the waiter was relieved to see us gone.
This was obviously not the manager's first rodeo. He boomed, "You can take the food that's already been served, free of charge, no questions asked! Everything else is canceled, and you must leave immediately!" The old lady, determined to get her money's worth, made sure to knock the potatoes right onto the floor so we couldn't even attempt to take them with us. Nothing else had been served yet, so sadly, we were left with no food. But it only got worse from there.
When my sweetheart and I were finally cooped up in the car, she looked at me with a bewildered expression and said, "Can you believe that?!". I shook my head in disbelief and replied, "No way! I really can't believe you didn't give me a heads-up about this!". She was just as gobsmacked as I was and asked, "Wait, how was I supposed to know about any of that?!". I paused for a moment, totally perplexed, and asked, "Is she usually like that?". She looked even more confused than I did and said, "Who? What's my mom got to do with the horrendous service at that place?". I was taken aback and said, "Um, your mom? I thought you were talking about her!".
That evening was the start of the termination of our relationship. It was too much for me to handle that she couldn't see anything wrong with her mother's outrageous behavior and that I would be marrying into that chaos. In retrospect, we were not suitable for each other, no matter who her family was. Her mum did us both a huge favor by making me aware of that in one night, which would've taken us years to realize otherwise. In only a month, we were in different homes and had gone on a 'break' that ended up never coming to an end. It's not that I'm pleased that I won't be seeing you again, Ellen, but I am sorry for any waiters and waitresses who have to have the misfortune of seeing you.
90. Snow white becomes evil Karen
When I first clapped my eyes on my beloved wife, I was taken aback by her sheer gorgeousness. I recall gazing at her as she conversed with the ducks at the lake, and thinking to myself, "Gee whiz, I must've done something right in a past life to deserve a gal as gorgeous as Snow White here!" She had a real affinity for animals, and you could tell they were just as smitten with her. Her aura was just so pure, and she had a regal air about her no matter what she wore - whether it be jeans, a sundress, or even a potato sack. She was never the typical princess-type woman - no, she was always destined to be my queen!
It's almost like she's been slowly and methodically transforming into a monster right before my very eyes! She's a master of psychological warfare, constantly putting me down, disregarding my opinions, and squandering my hard-earned money. But the one thing that really gets me is how she has carefully and calculatingly planned out our pregnancies in order to keep herself out of the workforce for as long as humanly possible. She's confessed to this herself! So why don't I just run away and never look back? Well, they say you should never leave the frying pan for fear of jumping into the fire, so I guess I'll just stick around and take my lumps.
91. “ Karenasaurus “ Rex
I was married to a Karen. She was like a walking, talking argument machine with a nasty attitude. She was a real bully, both mentally and physically. But the absolute worst thing she would do to me was as if she thought I was about to leave; she'd corner me and yell in my face for hours. She'd try to get me to touch her so she could "call 9-1-1 and tell them I was attacking her". Yeah, she was a real peach.
She crashed her Geo Tracker—the poor woman's Karenmobile. The only thing damaged was her grille. So I went to a few Pick 'n Pulls to see if I could find a new grille. There were no Geo Tracker grilles - but I found a Chevy Tracker grille. I bought it - but I had to get permission to spend a dime, so I told her I got a Tracker grille. Let's just say I'm lucky I didn't get caught telling Karen fibs!
Alas, she saw the grille before I had a chance to prank it and stick it on her Tracker with the Geo logo. That resulted in two weeks of me having to listen to her nagging. I told her I’d return it and get a Geo Tracker one…and I did take it back…but I still had my mischievous plan in my head. I went and grabbed the badge I’d spotted the other day (that wasn’t bleached by the sun like hers), stuck it on the Chevy Tracker grille, and put it in place.
She had no clue about my deception. She did, however, go on for days about how silly I was to buy a Chevy grille, which was completely and totally not the same vehicle, and how she had to wait a whole extra day to be able to drive it to work. She also went on to complain that I should have used the original badge, so it wasn’t obvious, even though that's exactly what I did. But hey, I guess it's a good thing she wasn't able to spot the difference!
It was totally my fault she rear-ended that guy! Clearly, I was the one to blame for her brakes not being up to par. It's my fault she took the speedy route I found to her work. Of course, it was all me that she still worked there - and I should have made her move to San Diego! If only I had the power to create a new child for her! It's all my fault - when she couldn't win a fight, I guess I just took it for her. Haha, just kidding...sort of.
If that didn’t work, she would get downright sassy until I gave in. After I left her--which was a colossal struggle and an even longer tale-- I discovered that she was two-timing me with all the male staff she worked with on “business trips.” And yes, it was like a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation. Until the wedding, she appeared to be a lovely individual. But the wedding turned her into Karenasaurus Rex!
92. Karenism explained
My girlfriend had this wild dream to become a Karen when we were younger, but it all came crumbling down when she started pushing away all of her friends. And then, like a virus, it spread to all of my friends! We had a good, long chat about how being rude and mean isn't a good look, and yet in her head, she figured if she was unkind, she'd finally be heard. Talk about misguided logic!
Well, let me tell y'all, my gal and I just had it out! We had been having a tough time with communication, and it came to a head. I decided to be more mindful of my words while she vowed to reign in her temper. Now, we both understand that disagreements are best solved through rational thought and not by impulse. The issue was that whereas I like to assess, contemplate and weigh out my options, my sweetheart tends to act on her emotions, no matter how irrational they may be. So we both worked on that, and we're much better now. And I must say, I'm feeling pretty darn proud of us for it!
The problem is that timid and meek women are often taken advantage of, particularly in situations where they aren't getting what they want. You can practically envision the New York deli guy saying, "Look here, miss..." (shudder). So, you start to Karen-up, and voila! You get instantaneous results!
93. Boss bride
As a kid, I would often hang out at my dad's work - he was an off-premise caterer and event planner and was often hired for over-the-top wedding shindigs. Think mountains of food, 40-foot-long cheese and fruit tables, lots of drinks, and sometimes MULTIPLE pigs for an afternoon and evening roast. All these fancy folks expecting the world to bow down to them while they were paying a fortune. It was pretty wild, let me tell ya!
One event, in particular, was quite a spectacle! When the bride-to-be and her mother came in to discuss the details, they had a spat over some really, really silly stuff. My dad was like a silent observer, not taking sides, just sitting there waiting for them to sort out their differences. But they eventually came to a hilarious conclusion!
The mother of the bride was having a royal meltdown over the perfect shade of ribbons and icing trim for the cake. Talk about a case of OCD! She had been bossing everyone around, from the menu to the plate garnishes and even the time the meal was to start. It was like she had a monopoly on all decisions - she wanted her way and her way only! What a control freak!
The daughter was gritting her teeth and just grinding through it, but when her mother started to fuss about the exact shade of off-light-green-no-that’s-too-light-no-that’s-too-dark, the bride had had enough. She loudly and firmly declared, “Mom, if you don't stop your shenanigans right this instant, I'm going to have to un-invite you to the wedding. This is my day, and while I appreciate your input, the decisions will be mine!”
She then turned to my dad, gazed into his eyes, and exclaimed, “I'm signing the check; you answer to me! Nothing's finalized until I say so. If my mother tries to take the reins, you gotta give me a ringy-dingy pronto! I'm sure you ain't gonna have no troubles with that, right?” My dad simply replied, “No worries,” and they went back to organizing the wedding.
94. When a Karen snaps
Ah, yes, Karens. Let me tell you; it's been a real hoot having them as parents. When I was diagnosed with cancer, I got some lovely gift vouchers. So, I decided to treat myself to some fancy headphones. Little did I know, they were made of the most brittle material imaginable. Of course, one day, I committed the heinous crime of attempting to place them on my head, and they snapped! To make matters worse, my sister was there to witness the entire thing. What a time to be alive.
My dad was furious, and the following day, he grabbed my wheelchair and took me back to the shops as if he was playing wheelchair charades. He made me remove my chemo cap, and plonked me in my wheelchair, then wheeled me into the shop. That's when he completely erupted. He ended up screaming and yelling, like a wild animal, and insisting they call a manager and a supervisor. He pointed at me and shouted, “Look at her!” My sisters, who were with us, couldn't bear to stay and watch the fiasco, so they quickly left the shop and just watched from the outside, with expressions of absolute embarrassment on their faces.
My dad was fuming. You could see the steam coming out of his ears as he argued with the clerks. He was determined to get a refund for my broken headphones, and nothing was going to stop him. Despite the fact that I was beet red and had my head in my hands, he wouldn't let me leave or wheel myself out. In the end, when it became clear that the clerks weren't going to help him, he took matters into his own hands and, in a fit of rage, launched the broken headphones into the metal trash can for receipts. I remember hearing it rattle as it hit bottom. He then stormed out of the store, calling them terrible names. As I was being wheeled out, I looked up guiltily and mouthed an apology - "I'm so sorry" - for the trouble my dad had caused.
95. Facebook is Karen’s kingdom
One of my beloved cousins is chained to a Karen. He spends his days and nights in his office, desperately trying to evade her presence. We also think that he might not be the most loyal husband in the world. It was a very delayed transformation, but when he finally married Karen, and their first child came along, she fully blossomed into her ultimate Karen form. We can only imagine what horrors my poor cousin must be enduring; it's like he's been locked up in a spaceship with a Xenomorph, and he doesn't even know it!
I absolutely refuse to be seen in public with that friend of mine because she is the queen of complaining! Her throne is Facebook, and her subjects are the other Karens who constantly support all her negative posts. Her favorite hobby is whining about how hard it is to be a full-time mom, even though her children are in school and she has a housekeeper to do all the chores. It's enough to drive me around the bend!
96. Some assembly required
This happened several years ago when I was the nighttime charge nurse in the ICU. I had just finished a 12-hour shift that felt like a 14-hour shift - and boy, was I exhausted! I had to return for a fourth shift in nine hours, and all I wanted was something to chuck in the slow cooker so I’d have something to eat when I got up later that night - but honestly, I could barely keep my eyes open!
I stopped at a well-known big box store that sells groceries, clothes, electronics.. the works. I’m wearing royal blue scrubs and a name badge with a big RN under it, and I forgot to take my stethoscope off, so it’s hanging around my neck. The employees there were definitely giving me some side-eye. As I’m walking towards the store, I see an elderly couple struggling to load a large box in their SUV parked at the front of the store. I thought to myself, 'Oh boy, I'm gonna look like a superhero if I help them out!' So I ran over and gave them a hand. The look on their faces was priceless! I'm sure the employees thought I was some kind of super nurse!
I scurried over to the old couple, who had to be 90+! Their hands were shakin', and they were barely able to move. I was scared their hips would break if I asked them to lift the TV, so I quickly offered to help. Fortunately, the TV wasn't too heavy, just a bit cumbersome. But thank goodness, I managed to get it loaded with no problems! Phew.
I'm chatting with the woman who is telling me their son's getting a gift, and her husband was too impatient to wait for help. I'm like, "Why isn't anyone helping them?" That's when it happened. This lady in her 50s, wearing her tacky beige pantsuit and her hair all frazzled, suddenly shouts, "HEY! HEY!" I was so taken aback that I and the nice lady stopped our conversation and looked around. There she was, with her hand on her hip, looking like she was about to demand to see the manager. It was quite a sight!
She says, “IF you are ABOUT done, I need help over here!” She then points to her cart with two boxes of bookshelves... some assembly is required. I realize she thinks I'm her personal handyman and start to say, “Oh, sorry. I don’t work...” but she cuts me off, yelling: “You are already making me late! Just get it done! ...and DON’T put any dents in my paint job!”. I guess I should’ve worn my tool belt today!
The elderly lady and I exchange looks of shock; then I try again. “I don’t work here—” but before I can finish my sentence, she interrupts me with a demanding “Just get it done!” She steps away from her cart to get her purse, muttering something about “stupid idiots” and frantically searching for her keys. Suddenly, catastrophe strikes! Her cart rolls away further, and one of the wheels goes off the curb. Oh no!
I was just innocently trying to go on my merry way when suddenly, this horribly uneven load on the cart decided it wanted to play a game of Jenga! I rushed forward to save the day, but alas, I was unable to prevent the inevitable. The poor, unsuspecting woman, who was just minding her own business, suddenly had her particle board bookshelves scattered all over the ground. Some of the boxes were completely smashed and one was even ripped open! It was a tragedy, and I was the only one who could have saved the day…
The atrocious woman totally loses her noodle and starts going ballistic. She’s cussing at me and screaming: “You dingbat! Pick them up! GRRR. I’m going to have you canned! You owe me fresh bookcases! And I’m late!” At this point, I’m fed up. I shout: “Pick them up yourself! I’M NOT ON THE PAYROLL!” I then turn to go inside when I feel her snatch my sleeve and try to tug me around.
I whip my arm away from her clutches and spin around to confront her face, which is now a bright and furious shade of scarlet. She's about to unleash a tirade of profanities, but I interrupt her quickly by holding up my finger and shouting, "Nope! Don't touch me! Zip it! I don't work here, and even if I did, I wouldn't stay long enough to help you tidy up this mess you've created!" She just stands there, too stunned to even speak.
Like a scavenging carp, her jaw was flapping up and down in disbelief that I had the temerity to RAISE MY NOSTRILS at HER. That's when the supervisor and a worker appeared. As this dreadful woman spied the manager suddenly regained her tongue. I was utterly astounded by her next move. She blustered: "Are you the head honcho? This ruffian smashed my bookcases and is flat-out refusing to foot the bill!
My eyes were wide with surprise. Goodness gracious, she's finally realized that the chap in the fluorescent blue scrubs with the stethoscope and oversized 'RN' badge isn't actually a member of staff. Instead of apologizing for her mistake, she opted to go down the absurd route and accuse me of destroying her stuff. I was about to defend myself when the elderly gentleman I had assisted earlier stepped in and outlined the situation to the manager. I thought to myself, 'this is going to be a long day.'
The wretched woman was still going on and on about her grievances, but the manager was wise enough to recognize the truth of the matter and offer me and the couple an apology. I was still there, fuming with rage, as the manager tried to placate her and went over to inspect the bookshelves. As it turned out, there was no damage, so he offered her two brand new boxes to make amends - but she had had enough of the whole fiasco and rejected his offer. Can you believe it?!
The elderly lady I had so gallantly assisted just a moment before had the audacity to give me an exasperated glare, and then turned to the manager and exclaimed in an agitated fashion, “Just load them! I’m already late enough, thanks to this guy!” I could only stand there in disbelief as the manager and employee loaded the boxes into the woman’s car. I was left shaking my head, on the verge of bursting into laughter, as I attempted to enter the store. Little did I know that the elderly woman would stop me in my tracks, and I had a hunch that she wanted to thank me for my previously rendered assistance!
She says: "Oh my gosh, Sir. I am so, SO grateful for you helping us with that darn TV! I mean, can you believe some people can be so rude?!" She then reaches for my hand, her tiny, dainty hands folding around mine. I can feel something in her palm, and she softly whispers, "Don't peek until she leaves!" I discretely slide the package into my pocket, and the sweet lady scurries away. I can only imagine what kind of surprise she gave me!
The terrible woman then gets in her car and, without so much as a 'sorry' or a 'thank you,' zooms away. I finally trudged into the store, ready to grab my grub. When I stuck my hand in my pocket and pull out the thing she'd given me, I was absolutely flabbergasted. It was a plastic bag filled with a bunch of screws and hardware. I suddenly realized that the cute little old granny had taken advantage of the chaos to steal the hardware from the terrible woman's ripped-up box. I couldn't believe it! I was wearing the biggest smile on my face as I did my shopping, and I now have a new petty revenge role model to look up to!
97. Having your chocolate and eating it too
It was quite a sight to behold- a furious woman demanding to speak to the manager at an independent chocolate shop, all because we lacked an 'impossible' option. "Dairy-free, nut-free, sugar-free, vegan?" she shrieked incredulously. The owner, bless their soul, just laughed and replied, "We do have one, it's called water." I personally thought that was the most hilarious thing I had ever heard- it was like something out of a comedy sketch! But the joke was lost on the woman, who responded with an indignant rage that I had never seen before!
98. Room service
For a whopping twelve months, my college roommate managed to keep her dastardly escapades with my boyfriend a secret. You see, I was a diligent student, often taking more classes than necessary and spending every morning in math and science classes or study groups. But it all came to an end one fateful day. I had returned from a canceled class early, and, much to my horror; I walked in to find the two of them in the middle of their naughty, clandestine deed. I had been played for a fool!
After I moved out of the shared apartment, I was more displeased than devastated. As a result of the split, I ended up losing a lot of my buddies who decided to remain allies with my ex. Five years later, they had a grandiose engagement shindig at the groom's parents' beach house - which was apparently a huge success, considering the number of people who were there, some of whom were still mutual friends of both of us. Of course, they couldn't resist telling me the details of the event.
At the party, she stumbled upon him snoozing away with one of the waitresses from the catering company in the restroom. Despite the fact that he had obviously been caught red-handed, they still managed to tie the knot! I can't help but feel a little sorry for her, even though I know that what goes around comes around. She must feel like she can't do any better than being with a two-timing scoundrel.
99. Greasing the parts
Ah, yes - the good old days when I was the front desk receptionist at a car dealership. It was an absolute blast in there - or at least it was until this one customer came in. He arrived at a whopping 7 pm, an hour after the poor souls in the service and parts department had already called it a day. I mean, talk about bad timing! But of course, I was a professional, so I had to carry on like nothing unusual was happening. Little did I know that this particular customer was about to leave me totally speechless!
I was minding my own business, lost in thought when suddenly all my daydreams vanished in a millisecond! I was rudely awakened by what can only be described as a thunderous clap, followed by a loud, crashing noise. I quickly realized that the source of this commotion was a 19-liter jug of motor oil that had been slammed down on my desk - by a woman! Talk about a heart-stopping moment!
She then proceeded to demand that I sell her the oil, with a look that could have melted steel. I was so taken aback by her sudden appearance and the fact that I was literally in the wrong department for that kind of request that I just kind of...stared at her for a few seconds. I mean, what else was I supposed to do? I don't think she expected me to whip out a cash register and start ringing her up right then and there!
Oh boy, she was something else! I could hardly believe my eyes when she marched up to me and demanded I give her some oil from the parts department. I mean, I'm no detective, but I'm pretty sure the parts department was closed, and the window into the storeroom was locked with a fold-down metal cage! That's when I had to break the news to her that I was unable to sell her anything. I expected her to be a little disappointed, but oh no – she blew her top and started throwing her arms around like a wild animal, demanding I give her the oil. I'm telling you, it was one of the funniest things I had ever seen!
I suggested to her that she take a jaunt to the other shop that was nearby and still open until nine o'clock. I thought that would be a great place for her to get her oil. However, she didn't think much of my suggestion and basically rolled her eyes at me. She then proceeded to announce, "I need Kia brand oil for my Kia brand car," in a manner that left no room for argument. She looked at me like I was the village idiot, which got me a bit flustered. I guess I wasn't expecting that!
I had pretty horrendous anxiety, so I was still completely stunned and in a state of shock after she abruptly slammed the bottle down. My mind wasn't quite able to put together a cohesive thought. I desperately tried to explain that any type of oil would work just fine and that I would happily assist her in finding the best option so she could purchase it from the store...but she just kept shaking her head at me like a bobblehead. Talk about a buzzkill!
Finally, after realizing that I had been completely and utterly useless, she roared out that she was going to come back the next day and made a dramatic exit, dragging her kid with her. What a fabulous role model she was being - I'm sure her children learned a lot that day! I did eventually figure out that she had taken the oil jug off a display shelf in the service department, which only added to the hilarity of the situation - I mean, she was so angry that she had taken something off a shelf that clearly wasn't for sale!
100. A look of absolute horror
My mum was a total 'Karen' in every sense of the word - demanding, picky, and a stickler for the rules. Then one day, my poor dad suffered the most horrific heart attack - it was so bad that the doctors weren't sure if he'd survive, and if he did, they weren't sure if his brain would still be functioning. He was hooked up to all sorts of machines and had to be put into a coma for days. My adorable little nephew - Dad's special buddy - even visited him in the hospital; bless him!
My poor dad, who had been so gravely ill, suddenly exhibited a miraculous recovery and decided to bestow a few words of wisdom upon my beloved nephew. However, when my mother attempted to get some attention for herself, she did something that was downright deplorable; she struck him— with a great deal of force—right in the chest! All because he wasn't giving her the time of day. Can you believe it? A grown woman battering a man that was in the ICU! The nurse’s expression said it all—one of sheer shock and disbelief. I mean, how could someone be so jealous of a toddler that they would resort to such a heinous act? It was truly a sight to behold.
101. Putting your foot in your mouth
My mother had a strict no-shoes policy in our house, but one day, it came back to haunt her. My brother's friend, who had prosthetic legs, decided to visit one day and my mom flipped out! She yelled at him, "Why do you think you're so special that you don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else and take your shoes off?! What makes you so special?!" Talk about an awkward moment! I think my mom learned her lesson that day: no matter the circumstance, always respect others and be kind!
He responded by raising his pant legs up to his knees, revealing his flashy Air Jordans nestled between two prosthetic legs, and said jokingly, “I’m sorry, ma’am. If I take these off, I’ll have to break out the screwdriver to take my legs off, too”. My mom, trying to hide her surprise, mumbled a half-hearted apology and scampered away to the safety of the upstairs. She never brought it up again, but I know she thinks about it every time she looks at me.
102. Dog day afternoon
The vet was really nagging me to take my pooch to have his teeth cleaned, so I decided to book an appointment online and got a confirmation email with a 9 o'clock appointment time. A couple of days before the appointment, I got another reminder email at the same time - just in case I hadn't noticed the first one! So, bright and early on the day of the appointment, I arrived at the clinic at 8:45 am and went to talk to the receptionist. When I told them I was there to drop off my dog for his dental cleaning, they asked me to take a seat and said they'd be back for him soon. I guess they thought I'd forget about my little buddy if I didn't see him for a few minutes!
After waiting around for a good half hour, with no one showing up, I decided to ask the receptionist what the delay was. She then said to me with a smug look on her face, "Well, if you had been here at 7 in the morning you wouldn't be having this issue, so since you're late, it's taking longer." I replied that I had received and confirmed an appointment time of 9 am, but she just laughed and said it didn't matter what I had been told - it was 7 am, end of story!
I was so mad that I wanted to take the receptionist and throw them out the window, but instead, I did the polite thing and proceeded to sit back down and wait. Shortly after, the vet tech came to take my dog back to clean his teeth. I asked the vet tech why I was told to come at 7 am and not 9 am, as the email said. They said it was for the blood work, however, it wasn't a big deal and they could still get it done. I then decided to take a look at the email on my phone, and, of course, it said 9 am. I decided to try and show the email to the receptionist, but they wouldn't even look at it and instead, they simply said, “I don’t have control over the emails sent. That’s corporate”. I wanted to scream and shout, but I knew that it wouldn't do any good, so I just bit my tongue and walked away.
I responded to her with a sarcastic smile, telling her that she may not have sent the emails but she works for the company that did, so surely she can provide me with some feedback. She returned the gesture with an even bigger smirk and continued to tell me that it wasn't her problem and that I was to blame for not knowing about the early arrival. I thought to myself, "Ooh, now she's smirkin' at me? That's it; the smirk is what sent me over the edge!" She even started to act as if she was ready to throw down, which was totally fine by me. However, before I could really get into it, the lead tech came out to de-escalate the situation. Phew! That was a close one.
At long last, I finally dragged myself away from the vet's office to run a few errands - and then the real waiting game began! I anxiously checked the clock every few minutes, and it was already 3 pm, and I still hadn't heard anything from the vet. I tried calling, but all I got was radio silence - until finally, after the fourth call, someone actually answered! I asked about my pup and all they said was, "He's doing fine. He's been out to pee, and they should be calling you soon." Well, that sounded nice and all, but 4:30 pm came, and still nothing. I was getting more and more worried by the second - what on earth was going on?!
I tried calling and despite numerous attempts, I was unable to get through. So I decided to call the corporate office, and even they were having trouble connecting. Corporate said the only way to make sure I could talk to someone was to go to the office in person. I told the guy on the phone that he better hope he could get a hold of them before I arrived because it wouldn't be a pleasant experience. I drove 30 minutes with corporate still trying to reach them, and I was determined to let them know I was coming. I'm sure they all had their fingers crossed that I wouldn't show up, but I'm here to tell you that I did!
I park my car, jump out, and head to the front desk with a huge smile, hoping to get some assistance. I'm on a call with corporate, and they tell me they still can't get a hold of anyone. I laugh, telling the guy on the phone, "It's okay, I'm right here, and I can see them ignore your calls right in front of me. It's really quite funny!" After that phone call, I head to the vet to ask some questions about my pup. But guess what? They HADN'T EVEN STARTED THE TEETH CLEANING PROCESS. My poor pup had been kenneled up for 8 hours for nothing! I can't help but chuckle at the thought of it.
At the moment, I'm talking super loud, and I'm not holding anything back. The same lead vet tech comes out to chat with me, and I'm telling them how earlier that day the receptionist (who wasn't there any longer) had an argument with me about me having to be there at 7 am FOR NO REASON. I'm telling them that it didn't matter if I had arrived at 7 am or set up a tent in the parking lot; they still wouldn't have finished cleaning my dog's teeth. I'm sure the vet tech was thinking, "Geez, Louise, this person is going off!
I was already pretty peeved that NO ONE had the decency to inform me that they couldn't get to my pup. And then, to add insult to injury, this vet tech had the audacity to smirk at me! I was beyond livid! I mean, the same exact thing happened with the morning receptionist, and that's what sent me over the edge. So I decided to give the tech a verbal thrashing about smirking and how it was totally unacceptable. All I can say is she got an earful.
She was definitely smirking - I could tell! - but she kept denying it and offered her meek apologies. But it was too late - I had already made up my mind. I told her if the vet clinic didn't bring me my dog, I'd go back there myself and get him. At that moment, an employee from the pet store (the vet clinic is inside the pet store, don'tcha know!) was walking out but stopped in his tracks when he heard our altercation. He just stood there, like a statue, holding an empty water jug and watching us from about 15-20 feet away. A bit creepy if you ask me! But I guess he was just trying to make sure things didn't get out of hand.
After I finished giving the vet tech a rather lengthy sermon, I whipped around to the employee and sternly said, “What can I do for you? Kindly get a move on. This isn't a show, you know!” His response? Well, he simply spun around and strutted back into the grooming salon right next to the vet, and proceeded to start pointing, and gossiping with his coworkers - all about me! I, of course, greeted him with a friendly wave and yelled, “Where's your manager?!” He came back out with a sheepish look on his face and informed me that he was, in fact, the manager. Turns out he was concerned about the vet tech’s safety. Ha, if only he knew the truth!
I turned to the vet tech and asked her if she felt threatened and she replied no. In a joking manner, I then said to the vet, "Well, if you were soooo worried about her safety, you should have been much closer than 20 feet away for so long, and you shouldn't have run back to your grooming salon until I called you out for your gossiping!" Just as I was finishing my sentence, a woman randomly entered the scene and questioned us all about the commotion. Things had certainly gotten interesting!
Boy, oh boy, was I in for a surprise! I tell the manager - who I had no idea was actually the manager - that my pal wanted to be a nosy bystander and then go and blab about it to the other employees. But she tells me he wouldn't do that! At this point, all I want to do is get outta there as soon as possible. All I wanted was my pup, and I was outta there! Well, they bring my four-legged friend out while the manager, the groomer, and the lead vet tech were all standing there. And then, guess what that nosy homeboy does? He tries to pet my pup! I mean, honestly, what nerve!
As I'm trying to sneak away from the vet clinic, the lady who runs the place comes out and says she wants to have a chat. I'm like, "Umm, no, I'm done talking. You guys have lost my pup as a patient!" But she keeps trying to get me to talk, so finally, I couldn't be rude to an elderly woman and gave in.
So I start telling her what an awful experience I'd had - the wrong time on the email, the receptionist with an attitude, my pup being contained for 8 hours for no reason, the lead vet tech looking all smug, the employee who just couldn't keep his nose out of my business.
And then she tells me that when I dropped my pup off, she knew they wouldn't be able to get to him because of an emergency. I was like, "Seriously?! That's it? That's all you've got to say?" I mean, did they not think to let me know?
SAY WHAT?! She tells me they're having a lot of issues with the employees at the clinic, and she's incensed at my experience and wants the chance to do better. She offers to brush my dog's teeth if I brought him back, to which I responded an emphatic "no way." I've got problems with at least two of your workers, and you expect me to trust your team to take proper care of my pup?
You must be bonkers! I promptly left and promised myself I would never shop at the pet store nor use the clinic or grooming salon ever again. Goodbye and good riddance to that place!
103. Comeuppance bought and paid for
My mum and I were in a quaint little shop a few years ago while I was getting my wedding dress, and we were witnesses to a full-blown Bridezilla meltdown! This other mother-daughter duo walked in, and the attendant who had been helping us went to greet them. The mother informed the attendant that they were there to pick up her daughter's dress, so the attendant looks up her name on the computer and, to our amazement, had a horrified look on her face and says, “Ma'am, you never actually bought the dress!” Well, that was it! The Bridezilla mother started screaming and going mad, causing quite a commotion. It was a sight to behold!
What in the world are you talking about?" The attendant showed the lady the notes on her computer screen with a look of confusion. "You said you wanted to take a moment to think about it and requested us to hold the dress. We held it for a total of two weeks, but since we heard nothing else from you, we thought you weren't interested anymore." "But we want it now!" the woman exclaimed. "It's been over eight months," the attendant sighed, "We sold the dress a while ago. However, I can order another one for you and have it here in a few weeks - if you're still interested in it.
The mother's eruption was like Mt. St. Helens of entitlement. She screamed, "This is UNACCEPTABLE!" She was furious as her daughter's dress had been sold, and the alterations were two hours away, and the wedding was a week away. The bride was slumped against the desk, with tears streaming down her face, looking like someone had just kicked her beloved pup. My mother and I were just standing there with our mouths wide open, completely astonished at the situation. What a disaster!
The attendant was trying her best to keep her composure, but it was clear that she was just as perplexed as the rest of us. “Ma'am, we had no clue that you wanted the dress; you didn't call us, and you didn't even put down a deposit! Until you pay for it, the dress isn't yours!" After some more dramatic yelling from the mother and sobbing from the bride, they eventually left. I looked at the shop attendant and asked, “Do these kinds of things happen often?” To which she replied with a chuckle, “Let's just say that I've seen worse!”
The poor unfortunate soul just had the wind taken right out of her sails! “All the time!” It still boggles my mind to this day - how can you arrange for changes to be made to a dress that you never actually bought?! What kind of craziness is this?! Why would you wait until a week before the big day to finally get your gown? How is it possible to reach adulthood without having a clue about the fundamentals of purchasing and sales?! It's a mystery that I'll never be able to solve!
104. Tell the truth
I was strolling around a beauty store that had a hair salon in the back. I was checking out a display that just so happened to be conveniently located next to the salon, and I heard a woman getting her hair done by the stylist. I was eavesdropping for a good few minutes, so I heard a good portion of their conversation. A short while later, I realized that the woman I was standing in line to pay for was the same one I heard getting her hair done in the salon! I guess you could say I had a unique shopping experience!
The woman strutted up to the counter, her items jangling like she was a one-person maraca band. She handed the cashier a coupon, and the cashier politely informed her that it couldn't be used for the items she was purchasing. The Salon Lady's face dropped faster than a roller coaster, and she asked with a voice full of confusion, "What do you mean?" The cashier, feeling sorry for her, tried to explain with a smirk, "Let's just say your coupon is not applicable to the occasion.
C: “Unfortunately, it looks like there are a few rules and regulations that come along with this coupon. It's all written down here at the bottom,” and she pointed to the small print. SL: “That's just preposterous! I've never seen something like this before. I mean, I buy these items all the time!” C: “I know, ma'am, and I'm sorry, but this particular coupon has some very specific fine print. It even mentions this particular brand here in the restrictions.”
SL then started to furiously berate the cashier with a tirade of complaints about the shoddy customer service she had received and the fact that last month they had failed to provide her a free birthday gift even though she'd been a rewards member for a whopping ten years, just because she had attempted to claim it two months after her birthday. Her voice was escalating with every word, and she was adamant that the cashier scribble down the contact information for the corporate office as well as her own name. The cashier, now thoroughly intimidated, nervously began to write down the number.
SL: "No way, I'm calling to make sure you're not trying to pull a fast one on me!" She whipped out her phone, and the cashier reluctantly gave her the corporate number and her name. SL proceeded to dial and stayed put at the register. C: "Ma'am, if you could just step aside so I can help the other customers..." SL: "NOPE! I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE! I'M GONNA CALL CORPORATE AND TELL THEM EXACTLY HOW YOU'RE TREATING ME. THEN THEY'LL FORCE YOU TO HONOR MY COUPON AND GIVE ME MY BIRTHDAY GIFT!
The poor cashier, desperately trying to flag down another employee, was met with an uproar of screams from SL, who seemed to think the cashier was ''trying to escape''! By this point, the manager had heard the loud shouting and had come over, but SL wasn't having any of it - she wouldn't talk to the manager, wouldn't let the cashier open another register, and would not budge from her spot. All the while, SL was fake crying on the phone to the rep, which was a truly pitiful sight to behold. What a drama queen!
It was a gigantic story, a wild tale of how she ventured to the hairdresser to get her locks trimmed, and it went horribly wrong! The hairdresser wouldn't even attempt to make amends, and then to add insult to injury, her dear old mother was in the hospital, and she just wanted to visit her one last time, only now she looks abysmal! The staff in the store were treating her terribly, like she was a stranger, despite her being a faithful customer, and they were giving her a hard time "just because she wanted a free presentation on her birthday!" What a joke!
The poor manager, with no other options, begrudgingly opened another register to try and tackle the monstrous line that had accumulated and called me over. After I was done with my transaction, I said with a sly smirk, "Thanks! Oh, by the way, I'd also like the number for corporate, your name, and the name of the employee you were dealing with, so I can tell them how gracefully you managed the irrational woman's outburst. I was here for the entire ordeal, including when she complimented the stylist's hair and then shared the news that her mother had been discharged from the hospital last week. Hopefully, I can counter her malicious words and deeds, whatever they may be.
The manager gave me a big ol' hug and handed me a slip of paper with their contact information and the names of the two employees written on it. So I hopped in my car, dialed their number, and told the person on the line this entire saga. I made sure to emphasize that the cashier and manager had done nothing wrong and that the woman was just trying to scam her way through it. She thanked me and said she'd make sure the right people got my message. Well, I sure hope my message got where it was supposed to because that'd be a bummer if it didn't.
105. Winner winner chicken dinner
I was working at a fried chicken joint when I got a call from a lady whose daughter wanted to place an order. Now, this daughter sounded about five years old and requested an order of five hundred pieces of chicken. I couldn't help but chuckle at the absurdity of her request before I confirmed her order. Then the mom got on the line and asked how long it would take to get the order. I was completely shocked when I realized that her five-year-old daughter had just ordered a thousand dollars worth of food! I had to ask her, "Does she really want that much chicken?!" I guess it just goes to show you that you should never underestimate the appetite of a five-year-old!
The lady went ballistic, yelling at me and inquiring if I thought her daughter was stupid. Me: “So, you want 500 pieces of chicken”? Her: “My daughter wants what she wants; prepare it and quit poking fun at her.” Me: “It will be at least an hour and a thousand bucks.” She went off about not making fun of her and her daughter and asked why I believed I was superior to them. Me: “Well, I do have a Ph.D. in Chickenology, Madam, so that might be a factor.”
She commanded me to put in the request. Ten minutes later, she materialized, frantically searching for her poultry. I enlightened the boss about the telephone call, and her eyes nearly popped out of her head when the cashier announced it was more than one thousand dollars. The woman kept her lips sealed regarding the quantity of chicken she actually desired, while the small girl kept screeching that she wanted five hundred chickens.
106. A taste of her own medicine
When my beloved beau was just fourteen, he and his lovely mother and sister resided in a housing estate. During the sun-filled summer months, he wanted to let some of that glorious, golden light into his bedroom, so he left his curtains open at all times - even when he was getting changed and after a shower! So if you were really, really curious and stood there, staring up at his window, you could catch a glimpse of him from the waist up - and (and only the waist up, mind you)! Fortunately, there weren't too many people outside with a penchant for peeping, so no harm was done.
Their outraged neighbor came storming over to my mother-in-law's house, banging on the door and screaming about how her son was an embarrassment for being constantly au naturel and flaunting himself in front of her daughter! My mother-in-law coolly responded that he had the freedom to do whatever he wanted in his own bedroom and that if they wanted to avoid the eye-popping sight then they should simply not look. Clearly, this advice did not go down well with their neighbor!
After a couple of days, you could hear a knock at the neighbor's door. And who would appear but the authorities? It turned out that the neighbor had been up to no good; she had been snapping photos and shooting videos of my poor boyfriend, planning to use it as evidence of his supposed misbehavior to try and get him evicted. Little did she know that the housing office had other ideas and reported her for taking pictures and videos of an underage minor. As a result, she and her family were forced to move out! Whoops!
107. Leave it well enough alone
For the last few months, I've had itchy suspicions that my upstairs neighbor has been committing the age-old crime of mail thievery. You see, I'm a devoted online shopper, so I'm constantly ordering books and craft supplies; however, every so often, I notice that important parcels that were expected to arrive on a certain day, just never show up.
One day, I saw her poking around my front door, so I asked her what she was doing. She replied with a suspiciously unaware "Oh, I was just looking for something. I think I dropped into your yard". I highly doubt that she dropped something into my yard, so I'm now convinced that she was casing out my mail for her next heist.
I put in some hard work and effort to make sure I could keep an eye on my neighborhood without anyone being the wiser. I got surveillance cameras installed a while ago, and they were so stealthy that even my nosy neighbors couldn't spot them! The camera I set up in front of my door was totally hidden from view from the driveway, so I was basically untouchable and untraceable. Of course, I had to make sure my surveillance was effective and so I decided to set a trap for my nosiest neighbor. I ordered a few postage boxes, the first one being a glitter bomb. I set it up in such a way that as soon as that nosy neighbor opened it, she'd get a face full of glitter!
I took all my glitter and some wrapping paper and created the most magnificent parcel of all - a glitter bomb! I placed it on the doormat at my front door and waited with bated breath. After a seemingly endless twenty minutes, I saw her approaching my doorstep. She looked around suspiciously, then grabbed the box and made a break for it. I was disappointed not to see her face when she opened the package and was met with a shower of sparkling glitter, but I'm sure she won't be making the same mistake twice! I haven't seen any other mail going missing after that, but if she does, she'll really be sorry.
108. She took matters into her own hands
My days as a server at the hottest restaurant in town were full of surprises, but none more baffling than the time I encountered a customer who had waited an entire ten minutes before she completely lost her cool. After being informed of our standard thirty to forty-minute wait time, the woman marched into the restaurant, and made her way to a table of four people. With a stern look on her face, she literally asked them, "Hey, are you guys done yet? We've been waiting out there for ages and would really like to have this table if all you're doing is chitchatting!" Needless to say, everyone was left speechless. I think they were so taken aback they probably forgot to finish their meals. I mean, come on, ten minutes? That's the equivalent of a few sips of coffee!
109. She got a doggone sweet surprise
I used to have the honor of cleaning a gymnastics center on the weekends. It was the perfect job for a party animal such as myself! The place was often rented out for birthday parties, and there was usually a coach on hand to keep an eye on things. One particular weekend, I was just finishing up cleaning the lobby when I noticed a car pull up. It was about an hour before the party was due to start, and there was no power in the building at the time - our lights were in the process of being replaced. I was so surprised that someone was brave enough to come to a gymnastics facility without any lights!
This hysterical harridan had just burst into my office like a tornado, screaming at the top of her lungs, "Why isn't there any electricity?! I need to get ready for this shindig, but how can I do that when I can't SEE?!", her face mere millimeters away from mine. After I'd recovered from the initial shock, I calmly explained to her that, per the owner's rules, she wasn't allowed to be in the building until the coach arrived. I'm sure if she'd just been a bit more patient, she would have seen the light.
Her face became a striking shade of purple, and with a bellowing voice, she exclaimed, "HOW DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T DO! THE OWNER SAID I COULD BE HERE WHENEVER I WANTED. I WON'T TAKE THIS INSUFFERABLE TREATMENT FROM SOME LITTLE BRAT!" I replied, "Alrighty then, but the electricity won't be turned on for another 45 minutes. You may as well sit in your car until the coach shows up.
She stomped off, slammed the door so hard the door knob flew off and flew across the room, and then proceeded to call the owner to inform them of the issue. When the coach finally arrived, I told her what had happened and how she reacted towards me with her extra-dramatic display of anger. I even left a note for the owner and called her to make sure she knew what had happened. I took my leave and went home for the night. The next day, I returned to the gym to get paid. The owner pulled me aside and praised me for my handling of the situation, and then I found out what had caused all the drama.
Well, would you look at that! It turns out that not only did that lady have a nasty attitude towards the coach, but she also didn't pay for the party, and she had the audacity to stay a full hour longer than the time slot she had rented! I thought things couldn't get any worse, but then I heard the BEST news of all - when all the parents were busy inside, her beloved pooch had gotten into the cake that she had left in her car and devoured about half of it! Her reaction was, quite frankly, hilarious - she was completely deranged!
She then exclaimed, "Oh, that's not a problem! We can just cut around the parts that the dog ate like a jigsaw puzzle!" Forty minutes later, she came sprinting back into the gym with a wild look in her eyes and a stack of paper towels in her hands. Little did she know, in the time between her leaving her car to get the cake and her return, her dog had wreaked havoc! There was poo and puke everywhere in her car! The seats, the floors, the armrests, and even the dashboard were absolutely COVERED in a disgusting mess. She had a feeling that her car was in for some serious deep cleaning.